The Unicorn Guardian (Chapter Four posted! C&C wanted!)

[Klabautermann]

Wow. Who would know a story can be that good and mature with unicorns. When I think unicorns, I usually remember "My Little Pony". rofl

Well, Candyde pretty much said everything. biggrin

I liked the most how realistic those two hunters are. No smart arses who think they can take on a big scary animal. XD
I really loved it and can't wait for more.

[SilverRinehart66]

Candyde

Quote:

Gathered close to the water was a heard of at least two dozen unicorns of all different colors.

Herd.

Oopies, thanks for catching that. sweatdrop *fixed*

Candyde

Quote:

Alec whispered excitedly, his initial wariness all but forgotten.

What? That's like saying that his fear isn't forgotten. But I could be wrong. Ask someone else's opinion. wink

Yeah, that's pretty much what the phrase means. Like, his fear is still kinda there, but he's too excited to care. I could change it if it doesn't quite fit.

Candyde

Interesting. Reminds me of The Last Unicorn, for some reason, since there are hunters and stuff. Except this unicorn isn't white and the hunters here aren't leaving them alone.

I'll wait for the rest of the chapter. :3

I don't remember much of that book... it's been forever since I've read it. xd

Psychotic Maniacal Sanity

Candyde actually took the words right out of my mouth. =3

I'd like to read more. It's well-written and with very few mistakes. Also, it's nice to find somebody who can format a story correctly, including things like punctuation in dialogue. X3

Candyde

Hoyeah. biggrin No infuriating periods instead of commas or huge blocks of text. C:

Klabautermann

Wow. Who would know a story can be that good and mature with unicorns. When I think unicorns, I usually remember "My Little Pony". rofl

Well, Candyde pretty much said everything. biggrin

I liked the most how realistic those two hunters are. No smart arses who think they can take on a big scary animal. XD
I really loved it and can't wait for more.

Squeee! Thank you! You guys are making me feel all warm and bubbly inside. blaugh

I know how you feel. Badly formatted stories is quickly becoming my biggest pet-peeve after hanging around on this forum.

Heehee... I wuv My Little Pony. whee

I'm so, so glad everyone is liking it so far. I promise to get more up as soon as possible! heart

[rae-chan-sensei]

I really like it so far. I like reading fantasy stories, and it's nice to have something about unicorns that's not just fluff and sparkles. whee Your writing style is pretty good: no major errors that I could see, and the minor stuff has already been picked up by others. Not much else to say, so sorry that the comment is kind of short. Good luck working on it, I'll definitely be back to read more.

[SilverRinehart66]

rae-chan-sensei

I really like it so far. I like reading fantasy stories, and it's nice to have something about unicorns that's not just fluff and sparkles. whee Your writing style is pretty good: no major errors that I could see, and the minor stuff has already been picked up by others. Not much else to say, so sorry that the comment is kind of short. Good luck working on it, I'll definitely be back to read more.

Thanks a lot! I don't mind short comments, 'specially if they make me smile. mrgreen

[Fritzwick]

Read what you have on the first chapter. You amused be by stopping it before it says whether the men are trampled, nice. It definately is the perfect temptation to continue. Got to know what occurs next. :]

Oh, have you read more into my story, Rineheart?

[Jackie-Lane]

I just subscribed to this thread. Your story is very well written. I love how much details you put, and it's nice to read a serious and mature story about unicorns. It reminds me of how obsessed with unicorns I was when I was little, and prooves that I can still enjoy unicorns. Thank you! ^^You have a nice take on the subject. I'll be happy to read more.

[UmWhat]

I liked your Prologue. I got through a little bit of chapter 1 part 1, not bad ... got the suspense going.

I'll come back later and see if I can catch anything to critique. Glad to see a non-Vampire story lol wink

[SilverRinehart66]

heart Thanks for the comments, guys! 4laugh I'm still workin' on the second half of the first chapter. Hopefully I'll get it done soon. XD Sorry it's taking so long.

[SilverRinehart66]

Sorry for the wait, folks. Here's the second half of chapter one. Let me know if I need to add more details or anything. Mmyup... 3nodding

~Chapter One, continued~

They poured on the speed, weaving through the trees, but there was no escape.

Alec was a few paces ahead of his companion, and only looked back when he suddenly heard Joseph cry out in pain. What he saw made him falter and lose his footing altogether. He fell hard and quickly rolled onto his back, eyes wide with terror.

The unicorn’s horn had speared Joseph through his chest. His legs kicked uselessly as blood trickled out of his mouth. A horrible gargling noise escaped him just as the unicorn tossed her mighty head, throwing the man like a rag doll. He landed with a sickening thud several feet away and did not get back up. Then, the beast set her sights on Alec and came at him again.

He barely managed to roll out of the way of her crushing hooves and quickly yanked a small dagger out of his belt. The unicorn was on top of him again within seconds, slamming her hooves down over and over. Try as he might, Alec failed to dodge all the blows, and one landed squarely on his chest. All the air rushed from his body as bones crunched. Alec gasped, but was unable to breathe. With his last bit of strength, he gripped his dagger and swung his arm up. The sharp blade sliced into the unicorn’s lower shoulder, leaving a deep gash. She screamed in pain and jumped backwards, hopping on three legs.

For a few moments, all he could do was lay still until his wind returned enough to allow him to move. He rolled onto his hands and knees, moving painfully slow. If he could just reach his horse…

The all-too-familiar staccato of fast-approaching hooves reached his ears, making his blood run cold. The last thing he felt was a pair of sledge hammers smashing into his side, sending him flying into the trunk of a tree. He landed on his stomach, a pathetic groan taking the last bit of air from his lungs. With his slowly-fading vision, he could just make out the form of the unicorn coming toward him. As he watched, it suddenly started to shrink and distort, taking on an almost human appearance, but his mind was too muddled to even question what was happening. All too soon, darkness swallowed him completely.


Shamira knelt down next to the unconscious man and pressed her fingers to his neck, checking for a pulse. It was there, but just barely, and fading fast. No matter, she didn’t need him alive.

A gentle wind blew across her face, stirring a few strands of her bluish-black hair. She smiled a bit, whispering her thanks to the wind spirits for sending the warning. Turning her attention back to the human, she reached down and rolled him over, wincing a bit as the action caused the gash on her arm to throb painfully. Muttering curses at the man, she tore open the front of his shirt and couldn’t help but smile.

Just as she’d wanted, a large bruise in the shape of a near-perfect horse shoe had formed on his chest, as well as his side. The humans were much too stubborn for their own good, forcing her to take more drastic measures to protect her family.

Ignoring the pain in her arm, Shamira took hold of the man’s wrists and dragged him toward the horse tied up nearby. She untied the reins and coaxed the animal into a kneeling position so she could load the human into the saddle. She draped him over it on his stomach, making sure to secure him to it so he would stay on. Once she was satisfied he wouldn’t slide off, she brought the second horse over and attached its reins to the other horse’s saddle as well. She went back to the first horse, laying her hand on its forehead, and instructing it to return to the town they had come from, knowing it would at least somewhat understand.

To be sure, she spoke again to the wind spirits, asking them to guide the horses to their destination. She’d been too merciful on hunters in the past, letting them live and return home with only stories to tell of what they'd seen. But now her patience was gone, and mercy was something she would no longer give. Unfortunately, she could only hope this was a warning the hunters would finally heed.

[SilverRinehart66]

dramallama NARF! dramallama

[Ciarlare]

Quote:

What he saw made him falter and loose his footing altogether.

Lose.

Quote:

She'd been too merciful on the hunters until now, letting them live and return home with only stories to tell of what they'd seen.

I thought Joseph died? So only Alec would return and stuff.

I love this. <3

[SilverRinehart66]

Candyde

Quote:

What he saw made him falter and loose his footing altogether.

Lose.

Quote:

She'd been too merciful on the hunters until now, letting them live and return home with only stories to tell of what they'd seen.

I thought Joseph died? So only Alec would return and stuff.

I love this. <3

Gosh darn it I hate type-o's gonk I get those mixed up all the time...

He did die. That just meant in the past she'd let hunters live, which is how the stories and "superstitions" got started, but now she's getting more serious because they keep coming back. Does that make sense? I guess I should have worded it differently... ^_^

[Ciarlare]

Ohh. o___o

Now I get it. sweatdrop

[SilverRinehart66]

Candyde

Ohh. o___o

Now I get it. sweatdrop

Okay, good. ^_^ I can never tell if I'm being clear when I explain things. =P