The Unicorn Guardian (Chapter Four posted! C&C wanted!)

[SilverRinehart66]

Sheluligans

It's quite the piece.
For once I'm actually interested in something that involves unicorns. Even though the title does kind of give it away partially, this was surprisingly...gruesome?
she is pretty brutal in killing the men, and strangely creative
overall, I could see this turning into a full flown story, i would read it.

Teehee, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for reading. mrgreen

I'm still working it, so hopefully I'll have more chapters up soon. 3nodding

[Sheluligans]

SilverRinehart66

Sheluligans

It's quite the piece.
For once I'm actually interested in something that involves unicorns. Even though the title does kind of give it away partially, this was surprisingly...gruesome?
she is pretty brutal in killing the men, and strangely creative
overall, I could see this turning into a full flown story, i would read it.

Teehee, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for reading. mrgreen

I'm still working it, so hopefully I'll have more chapters up soon. 3nodding

looking forward to it
meanwhile i can re-sync all the clips i lost when my browser crashed :[

[SilverRinehart66]

ninja *ninjanudge* ninja

[SilverRinehart66]

Last bump for a while... I'm 'bout to give up. razz

[SilverRinehart66]

hipchick34

very good!!!!

Thank you. Glad you liked it. biggrin

[SilverRinehart66]

I don't know why I'm poking this... but, oh well. razz

[MythicStar]

this is really good

[SilverRinehart66]

Agito65

this is really good

Thanks. I appreciate it. smile

[Acheeko]

Just read the the prologue and woot! You've got some skills there! Great work... will keep reading VERY SOONN... Sorry I'm late to the party heart

[Dave C Scott]

Ok. You just wrote a story beginning with the birth of a unicorn. It was from the perspective of the colt. And it was believable. That is talent.

You might want to make a reference to a hoof or something else horse-ish early in the first paragraph. There's nothing that sounds horse-like until you flat out say you're a unicorn. Also, a unicorn birth should sound... soothing? Use positive adjectives so we know it's a good thing happening and not a horrible life-threatening crisis. As is written, I had this imagery of a woman sliding down the gullet of a giant anaconda.

.... I will now always associate my fear of snakes with my fear of birth.

[SilverRinehart66]

Acheeko

Just read the the prologue and woot! You've got some skills there! Great work... will keep reading VERY SOONN... Sorry I'm late to the party heart

Hey, better late than never! Lol. Glad you like it and thanks for reading.

Dave C Scott

Ok. You just wrote a story beginning with the birth of a unicorn. It was from the perspective of the colt. And it was believable. That is talent.

You might want to make a reference to a hoof or something else horse-ish early in the first paragraph. There's nothing that sounds horse-like until you flat out say you're a unicorn. Also, a unicorn birth should sound... soothing? Use positive adjectives so we know it's a good thing happening and not a horrible life-threatening crisis. As is written, I had this imagery of a woman sliding down the gullet of a giant anaconda.

.... I will now always associate my fear of snakes with my fear of birth.

Good to know, thank you.

I'll consider that. I was actually trying to figure out how to do that when I was first writing this Just couldn't quite figure out how/when/where to work it in, but I'll probably try again. The birth wasn't mean to sound life-threatening, just intense. xd I don't know what it's like to be born, so I just kind of guessed what it would be like if the baby was as aware of it as she was. But, I understand what you're saying and I'll give it some thought. Thanks so much for reading. ^_^

[technologii]

As always I enjoyed what I read... however, chapter four left something to be desired with me. Shamira is merciless, as described by Daniel, from what he's heard from survivors, and yet he was not injured in the slightest.

And I didn't like how open Shamira was to showing him that she was in fact the unicorn slaughtering all of the hunters. It showed weakness to me; because she's revealed herself to this human that she's just met?

I do like this story, so keep it up :]

[SilverRinehart66]

sessqueen

As always I enjoyed what I read... however, chapter four left something to be desired with me. Shamira is merciless, as described by Daniel, from what he's heard from survivors, and yet he was not injured in the slightest.

And I didn't like how open Shamira was to showing him that she was in fact the unicorn slaughtering all of the hunters. It showed weakness to me; because she's revealed herself to this human that she's just met?

I do like this story, so keep it up :]

Yeah, I understand completely. Someone else pointed that out, as well. No worries, though, I've got a plan in mind about how to rework the chapter to make it more... believable, I guess is the appropriate term? I really shouldn't have rushed it so much in the first place... razz A mistake I shall try to correct as soon as possible! ^__^

[Man Chest]

Dammit, you were generous enough to post on my story, but I forgot to post on yours.

Well, I've read through all of the chapters so far and think it's very good. There's really not much I can elaborate on it. Most people have touched upon corrections, so I can't help there. I'll just go ahead and say that it's way better than what I've written.