The Journey in Aven: Finding Home- Currently being Rewritten

[Kitsuko Chii]

The title is a temporary one until I figure out something more suitable. Sorry if it sounds lame or cheesy. x.x Also chapter one will be in the second post.

Okay, so I normally don't post stories in here as I've gotten into this awful habit of starting a story and scraping it when I began to believe that it is a terrible idea. So recently I've become determined to write no matter what horror I may produce to get over this.

I figured that posting what I'm writing might either help me gain more confidence in myself or at least improve my writing in some way. So yes, I will be in dire need of critiques and opinions as they will be much appreciated.

Also if you see any grammatical errors that I've made I would be very grateful to have them pointed out to me. Sometimes while editing I overlook mistakes even when I go over it many times.

So yeah! This story is my "test story" as this is one that I've had alternate ideas for. I went with this idea more for the character development part as I figured that having the character Moira starting off as an already skilled warrior would be a bit boring. Yet at the same time I've battled with myself trying to decide on a setting for it. I decided that it would start on Earth and go to another universe/world where as the other setting would have been a futuristic Earth with genetically altered humans. I will probably do that idea still with other characters and what-not, but for now I'm sticking with this one.

Story Description:

Moira Culpepper finds that she is given a second chance at life after being the victim of a mugger. She wakes up in the middle of no where only to later find that she has somehow been transported to a strange world known as Aven. The only chance of her being sent home is to seek out the help of a powerful witch or wizard while she receives help from three wrongly convicted murderers. Along with getting home, she is determined to find out how she got there. Yet many things seem to be getting in the way of finding answers and getting home and she must quickly learn to adapt to the strange place whether she wants to or not.

Also the name Moira is kind of an ode to the video game Bioshock along with her last name which is Culpepper. << I'm tempted to also add a character named Patrick, but I'm not sure if that would be too much. xD

[Kitsuko Chii]

Okay I'm so nervous to post this, but here it is. I would post Chapter two already, but it still needs a lot of editing before it's presentable.

Chapter One

It had been a long and exhausting day for Moira who was covered in so much sweat that it was dripping into her light blue eyes. Her short dark hair was sticking to her forehead and neck which simply added to her feeling gross. She just wanted to clean up, get home, collapse on her bed, and pass out. Yet there she was finishing up her track practice where the coach, known as Darius Dimmerly, was forcing her and a few other girls to run another five minutes before they were allowed to leave. He was being especially stern with the team today as the biggest track meet of the year was coming up and he was determined for them to win.

Moira was working on another lap, but felt too worn out and could not build up speed. As she stumbled over three jumps due to her lack of momentum, the coach blew his whistle to call everyone to him. He did not seem happy, but he realized that he had over worked everyone.

She slowly headed over to the coach, afraid that he was going to give them a harsh lecture. To her, Coach Dimmerly resembled a dwarf from some sort of fantasy story as he was very short and stout. Though, she never expressed the observation out loud to her fellow teammates since she was paranoid that the coach would overhear. The thought of how he would react frightened her greatly.

“Okay, I know it’s been over two hours so we’re gonna call it a day, m’kay?” He had a strong southern accent, which was pretty uncommon in the city of Clifton where they lived. His large face, like the rest of his team, was red and covered in sweat and everyone knew he must have been ready to go home as well.

Finally, Dimmerly dismissed them with the wave of his hand as he usually did and the others were able to shower, dress, and head home. As usual, Moira took to walking home while her teammates usually got picked up or had their own cars. Most of the time she did not mind this, but today she really wished she had close friends on the team who would be willing to give her a ride home as her legs felt like they would give way any moment.

The way she walked was about a three to four mile walk, but there was a short cut she could take if she were desperate enough. The problem with taking the shortcut is it was in the very bad part of the city known as East Clifton and most people tried to avoid it if they could. Moira’s parents always made a point to warn her about it in an attempt to keep her from traveling through saying that a lot of bad things happen there. Perhaps they were both exaggerating, Moira did not know, but she always listened to her parents about it and took the more cautious route to and from school each day.

Today, however, was different. It was almost dark and Moira did not think she could last going the long way. She hated defying one of the few rules that her parents gave her, but today she was going to take a risk and take the shortcut. So when she got to the point as to whether she should go the long way and go straight, she turned right toward the alleged shady part of the city.

Every step she took past that felt wrong, especially when she could see East Clifton in the distance; she felt overly nauseous and something in her mind kept telling her that she needed to go back. To get over this feeling she began to think of happier things like how in just a month she would be graduating from high school and would be on her way to a new part of her life. The happy thought quickly turned into a sad one as she remembered she did not have plans after high school. She did not know what career she wished to pursue or where she wanted to live. She always thought that she would have everything figured out by the time she was a senior in high school.

Her parents had tried to get her to look into colleges, but without knowing what she wanted to be made it difficult to choose. So while her friends Hayden, Rachael, and Kaylie were busy getting prepared for their future college lives, Moira was still trying to get a clue. She felt so stupid for not knowing what she wanted to do in the future and time was not slowing down for her like she wished it would.

“Why don’t you try to do something with science? You’re good at that.” suggested Kaylie one day. She was always trying to be supportive and helpful to her friends.

“Ah, maybe… Science is just so broad; I would not know what to choose from first.” Moira had said. That response made Kaylie frown, but she did not push any further suggestions
.
No, Moira had to stop thinking about the future for now before she increased her chances of getting an ulcer. She just wanted to get home and sleep. She would deal with those worries another day, but for now her quest was to get home.

The sun was already down when she made it into the bad part of the city. She had passed through it in the car with her parents, but never really had time to observe it. It did not look as bad as she had pictured, some of the windows of buildings were boarded up and vulgar graffiti seemed to be more common, but otherwise it seemed like any other part of the Clifton. Not many people were outside and the ones that were seemed to be walking in a hurry.

Moira just kept walking at a fairly slow pace as it hurt to go too fast. Besides, she could tell she was only a few blocks away from her apartment. She decided to cut down an alley as it seemed the fasted way to get to the next block. To her, crimes in dark alleyways were some sort of stereotype that they put into books and movies. She never really thought about how likely it could have been that someone could have been waiting for her like a vicious coyote determined to catch some prey.

As she neared the end of the alleyway, her heart jumped when she heard a raspy voice behind her.

“Give me your money,” said the man behind her. “And don’t make any sudden moves or this knife will go through your back.”

She could tell he was about an arm’s reach away from her. She wanted to turn around to face her attacker, to possibly reason with him, but she was terrified. She stood there as stiff as a statue, not allowing herself to even breathe too deeply in fear of getting stabbed.

“I-I don’t have any money, sir.” Replied Moira, her voice was shaking and she desperately wanted to scream for help. “I’m just a jobless high school student; I don’t have anything to give you.”

“Oh? Some high school students I’ve stopped have had money, quite a bit in fact.” The raspy voice seemed to be even closer than before and Moira could feel his wreaking breath on her neck. “How unfortunate for you, but there are always other things you could give me, heheh.”
A chill went down Moira’s spine hearing those words. Her heart was racing and she was now having trouble breathing. This seemed like some sort of scene from a movie, so where was her hero?

“No!” cried Moira using the last bit of courage she had, she whirled around to face the man and took a swing at him, hitting his face. He backed away from her a bit, taken slightly aback. He looked very skinny and sickly with very dark bags under his eyes. His skin was so tight on his face that you could see his cheek bones clearly.

Moira’s sudden reaction seemed to startle the man for a moment, but not for too long. He pushed her up against the side of one of the buildings in an attempt to overwhelm her. She struggled with all of the energy she could muster; knife or not she was not going to allow herself to give up without trying to protect herself.

“Just stop!” She yelled. She was hoping that someone might hear, but knew that was unlikely. She was kicking and trying to throw punches, but the man managed to pin both of her hands above her with just one of his large, filthy hands. The other hand held the knife and when one of Moira’s legs hit a tender spot between his legs, he had, had enough.

He dug the knife deep into her abdomen and twisted it for good measure to which she let out a shriek of pain. “Stupid b***h, if you had just co-operated you could have lived.” He let go of her, letting her sink to the ground and spat on her. Then he grabbed her backpack and left her for dead.

She sat propped against the building in pain letting out silent sobs for if she cried any harder, it would cause her even more pain. She began to lose her vision and knew that there was no way she would be able to get to a hospital in time. She was bleeding out way too much and was surprised it was taking her this long to die.

She could feel herself weakening and was not far from passing out when she heard footsteps in the alley. At that moment she could see a faint light and a warm sensation overcame her. This was quickly followed by her black out; perhaps this is what death was like.

[Kitsuko Chii]

I just posted a story description in the first post. I'm not good with descriptions, but please tell me what you think! I tried to not give away too much though at the same time I am paranoid that it may sound horribly cliche or boring. Feedback would be very much appreciated and I hope someone reads this soon. heart

Also chapter 2 will hopefully be posted soon. I'm having some trouble editing it though so I don't know how much longer it will take me and tomorrow I won't have much time to work on it as I'm attending a Zombie Walk event. xD

[kamawesome]

Wow that is so cool! Cannot wait till' chapter two. Also, I would like for u to check out my book. Autumn. It is sorta like yours. Only a lil' bit. I think you will like it 3nodding

[Kitsuko Chii]

Finally done editing Chapter Two-- for now. I'm pretty sure there will be future edits for it. xD

Chapter Two

Moira’s eyes opened to unfamiliar sights and the sound of birds chirping all around her. It took her a few minutes to come to her senses and remember what happened, but when she did she quickly lifted up her shirt to check her stomach. There was no wound and no sign that she had ever been stabbed. The only thing she did find were a few ticks on her stomach and arms that she quickly pulled off after cringing at the sight of them. She hated ticks and normally would get her friends to pull them off of her whenever she found one latched onto her.

After that was over and she assured herself that there were no more ticks on her, she looked around at her strange surroundings. She appeared to be in a clearing full of tall grass and weeds; on one side of her was a forest that was not too far in the distance. On the other side of her were mountains which greatly confused her as there were no mountains anywhere near Clifton. So far she did not like how things were looking.

“Is anyone there?” Moira called, hoping that maybe someone was nearby that could explain the strange situation. When no one answered, she pulled herself up and began cautiously to walk through the strange and unfamiliar location towards the forest. Her muscles were not sore like they were before and she felt oddly well rested considering the circumstances. This just added to her list of strange things going on as it made her wonder how long she had been unconscious.

When she reached the forest it seemed to go on forever as she navigated through it, going in a straight line in hopes that she was getting close to finding her way to some sign of civilization. After about an hour she made it to a dirt path that seemed to cut through the forest and decided to follow that instead. Nothing looked familiar to her at all.

While Moira ventured down the newly found path many questions began to pile into her mind. She wondered how she got stranded in a forest as she did not think the guy who stabbed her would go out of his way just to do that. However, she could not think of anyone else who would leave her stranded in the woods. The stab wound being gone, the strange place she found herself in, nothing felt right to her.

Time seemed to wear on and Moira felt very tired and thirsty. She still had no clue where she could even get something to drink or where she would be able to rest. It already seemed like she had been wandering for ages even though it was probably only about four or five hours at the most.

As she was lost in thought she heard a rustling noise in the woods. She became more alert and began to look around for the source of the noise. When the noise halted suddenly, she assumed it must have been an animal of some sort and went on with wandering. Yet a feeling of paranoia lingered, she found herself constantly looking over her shoulder as she walked onward. She felt like she was being watched and perhaps she was right.

Not long after, Moira heard another noise in the forest. This time it was louder than it was before and when it stopped she found a tall man standing before her. She stopped, frozen from fright. She did not think that it was likely to find anyone in what felt like the middle of no where.

“What are you doing all the way out here?” He asked in a way that easily startled Moira. She stared up at him before replying, he was slightly tan with short, spiky light brown hair.

A sudden chill went down Moira’s spine and she finally spoke up, “I honestly have no clue what I’m doing here, I’m just trying to figure out where I am.” With the memory of the mugger still fresh in her mind, she felt a sudden sense of distrust and fear with this man.

The man seemed confused by this response, “Uhm, what?”

“Do you have any clue how far Clifton is from here?” She asked, eager to finally find out where she was. Then she realized that there were many places called Clifton in the United States, “Uhm, Clifton in Michigan.”

“I honestly have never heard of either of those places.” He relaxed a little bit. “I might be able to get a friend to help you, he’s better at geography than I am.”

“That would be great. Thank you so much!” Moira tried to be as polite as possible in hopes that it would somehow increase her chances of getting home, “My name is Moira by the way.”

“Call me Davith.”

So Moira decided to trust the man as she felt that she could not afford to deny any help. He led her into the forest a ways, squeezing past trees and pushing thorny vines out of the way, until they reached a small camp with sleeping bags laid out around a fire that had long since burnt out. There was a small blonde haired man with small eyes sitting on one of the sleeping bags and a large muscular woman who was polishing an axe. She looked like she had been through a lot because she was covered in multiple scars and dents all over her body.

“So you’re bringing young girls back here now?” The woman teased, propping her axe up against one of the trees and examining Moira.

“She needs help, she’s lost,” answered Davith quickly.

“I’m just teasing.” The woman snickered. “So aren’t you going to introduce us?”

“Oh right, the beast over there is called Kellan, but we all call her Brick.” He pointed over to the muscular woman with curly brown hair. “And the short guy over there is Marcus.”

“Pleased to meet you, I’m Moira… Moira Culpepper.” She replied, she found herself becoming nervous around these people, especially since they had weapons and looked scary.

Yet Moira’s observations seemed to backfire as the strange people who she just met seemed very intent on helping her out with her problems despite how easy it was fore her to stereotype them as thugs. She explained to them her story about the mugger and how she woke up in the middle of nowhere. She described where she was from and how she had no clue where she was.

Brick in particular seemed to be the most interested in her case. She instructed Marcus who was her husband to go through some maps to see if he could find Clifton on any of them. While he did that, Brick got Moira some water to drink and a strange grayish colored stew to eat. Despite being the most frightening appearance wise in the group, she was the most comforting and motherly. It just showed that Moira should not judge people based on appearances alone.

Yet despite them being so helpful, Marcus shook his head after going through his collection of maps and put his hand to his brow.

“What’s wrong shorty?” Darith asked.

“I have to say, I can’t find it.” Marcus shook his head again and heaved a deep sigh of frustration.

“So what you don’t have the map for it?” Brick snorted. “You’re supposed to be our little creepy master map collector. What happened?”

“No, I mean it doesn’t exist.” Marcus said gravely.

Moira stared at Marcus in disbelief. Her heart felt like it was sinking and an overwhelming sense of panic started to take over her. She wanted to believe that Marcus was joking, but she could tell that he was being dead serious.

“There has got to be a mistake, I’m not lying.” Said Moira, her voice was shaking and she found it difficult to speak.

“I’m not saying that you are, but there is no city of Clifton nor is there a North America on any of my maps.” Marcus said while shuffling through his maps again, trying to double check.

“Maybe you’re just not checking the right country map or something.” Davith asked and then added, “It’s possible she may have got dragged out of her own country somehow, we don’t know how long she was unconscious for after all.”

The thought of being dragged to another country made Moira shiver; it did not seem possible. She could not think of any reason someone would go through the trouble just to do that. Yet at that point, she would believe anything as everything was getting so bizarre.

“I didn’t think I heard of any of the places she mentioned.” Said Brick, “Yet I don’t think this girly made it up either. Or if she did she is one heck of a good liar.”

“I swear that I’m not lying.” Moira was feeling dizzy; she did not understand what was going on at all. “I don’t know what has happened, but I promise you that I am not making this up.”

The four sat in silence for a few moments, each deep in thought. It was a very uncomfortable moment for Moira as she was convinced that everyone now thought she was some sort of compulsive liar. She was surprised when Brick spoke up and broke the silence.

“I believe you. I know we barely know you, girly, but I’m willing to help ya’ anyway I can.” Brick put a rough hand on Moira’s shoulder and stroked it gently, “I don’t know about these bozos, but I’m not going to sit back and leave you stranded.”

Moira was surprised by the support and felt overjoyed, especially when Darith and Marcus also agreed to help her in any way that they could. She could not believe that total strangers would be so eager to help someone that they barely even knew. This was nothing like what she was used to in Clifton where unless you asked for help from someone you knew, hardly anyone was all that willing to help others out. She quickly thanked them over and over again as their support meant a lot to her.

The four quickly began discussing plans on what could be going on and how they could find a place that, to their knowledge, did not exist. Yet no matter how much they tried to come up with ideas on how Moira got there none of them made much sense. The ideas ranged from the possibility of kidnapping to Darith’s silly thought that she walked there and just forgot.

The three could not come up with any good theories as to how she got there and why her home could not be located on any maps. Instead they decided it would be best to ask a friend of theirs who they were on their way to see.

"She may know better than we do about what's going on. She is a witch afterall." Davith nodded, "Though she does make me very uncomfortable."

"For the last time Davith, she is not going to practice more magic on you." Brick sighed, "Though sometimes I wish I were a mage so I could. I'd find a spell to shut you up for a while!"

"A witch? Aren't those in stories and stuff?" Moira asked, she had to keep herself from giggling in case they were serious.

The three looked at her like she was crazy. She felt hot in the face from embarassment and quickly regretted asking the question.

"I guess you don't have mages where you come from, huh?" Marcus chuckled lightly. "Well that's fine, you'll meet a few soon enough."

[Kitsuko Chii]

kamawesome

Wow that is so cool! Cannot wait till' chapter two. Also, I would like for u to check out my book. Autumn. It is sorta like yours. Only a lil' bit. I think you will like it 3nodding

Thank you. biggrin And I will!

Also I just posted Chapter 2 if you're interested.

[Kitsuko Chii]

So I've tacked on a bit more to chapter 2 that was originally going to be chapter 3, but I realized that it would have dragged out some things for longer than it needs to be dragged out. I'll hopefully have chapter 3 up soon, but with exams coming up I may not be able to work on this story as much as I'd like for about a week.

[Reborn Fox]

Unless the folks of Amarin gets visitors from other worlds often, I have trouble believing that anyone would think of that so easily. Also, you seem to like to use the word 'as.' See if you can think of another way to express what you're trying to say, at least some of the time.

It is an enjoyable story though. You've got a good imagination. Can you go ahead and shoot me a PM or quote me when chapter 3 comes out?

[Kitsuko Chii]

Reborn Fox

Unless the folks of Amarin gets visitors from other worlds often, I have trouble believing that anyone would think of that so easily. Also, you seem to like to use the word 'as.' See if you can think of another way to express what you're trying to say, at least some of the time.

It is an enjoyable story though. You've got a good imagination. Can you go ahead and shoot me a PM or quote me when chapter 3 comes out?

Finally a critique! You sir, are awesome. I will certainly take those things into account as I am no where done editing it. Heck, I could probably keep rewriting everything I have written over and over if I allowed myself to.

Chapter 3 has been delayed since I just got done with exams and such, but I plan on getting back to work ASAP so I will let you know when its up. More critiques would certainly be very appreciated!

You have no idea how happy I am that I've finally gotten some advice. xD

[Kitsuko Chii]

I want to apologize to anyone who has been waiting for chapter three. I've been a bit busy with taking care of my grandma who is recovering from having a tumor removed from her lung, so I haven't had as much time on my hands as I would like.

Chapter three is close to being finished and I have a lot of the story itself planned out. Granted, knowing me, those plans for the story are likely to change while I'm writing. It may also take a while longer to edit as I'm not entirely happy with what I've written and feel that I've put in way too much dialogue.

Sorry for the delay!