Welcome to Gaia! :: The Demon Within

This is my first novel. I am curious as to know another's opinion on it. My grammer is deffinetly not up to speed, however please keep in mind that this is my rough draft. I have written plenty more to the story and would be happy to post it, however it needs tweaks here and there so it might take awhile. Please enjoy the reading and ALL comments are welcome no matter how harsh. smile

One other note, the story gets somewhat graphic towards the end of chapter one depending on the reader's imagination.


The Demon Within
Prologue
Dark and soft like velvet, the night air cushioned the haunted city. A city in which should have lights, fights, and prostitutes on every corner, held only silence. No drunks rambling off a curse of wanting more alcohol nor the damning hoot of an owl swooping in for a midnight snack, simple serenity and solitude.
Cobble stones scratching under heavy feet disturbed the sleeping structure. A diamond of black mass walked down the street, ever vigilant, circling a form of color and light with their golden wedged eyes and shinning swords. The flimsy cloth of cloaks hid their true forms of blood and torture.
Surrounded and bound by this malicious company was yet another creature from hell. String white hair flowed to the waist if only it were released from the tight ribbon that held it in an elegant horse tail. Twitching ears nestled along the white scalp, contrasting black to the stunning white. Ominous wings rested on her sharp shoulder blades, visible in the night only for the chains that bound them together. On her hips rested intricate sheaths of, no doubt beautiful swords, looped through the belt loops of her torn jeans. Dark leather of a corset clung to her chest, red bow crisscrossing in and out down the front of the leather. Tense shoulders gave way to a slender neck and stubborn jaw, and just above the slim nose rested a pair of eyes that would frighten the devil himself. Eyes of blood, eyes of defiance, a pair of red eyes that hid the memory of a desecration a girl of 17 never should have witnessed.

Chapter 1
Desecration
Ally breathed in the cool midnight air, crisp-light, yet tinged with pungent moss. Her pitch black hair tangled itself with mist rushing to meet her from behind the waterfall. This cave of firm chilled stone always forced the restless 16 year old into tranquility. Closing her darkest of blue eyes she let her slim body take another step forward, jean shorts and hunter green tank top now damp. Searching toes found the tuff of moss marking the limit of her approach. She reached out a long arm and her fingers met the downpour of the water. Twisting and turning, the streaming liquid forced a smile on her face until a cautious whinny tore her back to reality.
Opening her eyes she retreated sighing. I’ll have to go home soon…. Why can’t I go to the city? Why must I be forced to become a hermit like my parents?
Exasperated she plopped down beside one of the only two creatures she considered a friend. Baily was soft and warm, protecting and loving, Ally’s sergeant mother. Reaching up Ally ran her fingers through her paints oreo mane. Baily was every bit as firry as Ally, and as beautiful as she was jealous, a white and sorrel tobiano blend. Her tail as black as Ally’s hair, but her eyes a much softer brown, full of wisdom and compassion.
“I have to go back; they’ll be worried soon…” Ally mumble into the velvet of Baily’s neck.
Blinking softly her horse nudged Ally onto her back and carefully stood, making sure not to spill her package. Feeling at ease Ally arched over Baily nuzzling her nose into the silky mane, breathing the comforting scent in, she started to drift asleep, the soft clicking of hooves her lullaby and the night her only blanket.

Sweat streaked down the white war horse’s side. The riders blue-black eyes could see the tiny farm through the many trees. He drove his spurs further into the side of his horse drawing blood. His cloak swirled around them as if a black mist were shrouding them in darkness.
He must finish it quickly and clean; no witnesses to hunt down this time. Behind the cover of meshed pine needles he slowed his horse to an irritated walk. The small cottage was now clearly visible and he had to decide the best method of approach. He pulled his heaving horse to the center of the dreary dirt road; observing the cottage he noticed a flicker of light as someone moved inside and heard the creak of a small door.
Dismounting in a whirl of black he faced the man emerging from the cottage, hand resting on the hilt of his sword waiting for the moment to strike.


“Almost there?” Ally asked groggily without lifting her head from her horse‘s mane. Baily had moved through the trees silently, almost cautiously, not even daring to swat the annoying fly from her back. Tree by tree she had made it to the dirt drive and had paused.
It was her dad’s husky voice that forced Ally’s eyes to open. “Leave now!” her father was demanding of a cloaked man, an eerie edge stinging the words, “I will not tell you twice!”
Ally slid off Baily who had tried to turn back. She was surprised the mysterious man had only stood head down waiting for something in reply to her father’s tone. Jane, Ally’s mom, came from the house to stand by her husband’s side, red hair flowing and blue eyes cautious, “What is it that you want?”
His head shot up to the woman’s light voice, “Only to fulfill my orders.”
And with that he swiftly stepped forward drawing a shining black sword and slammed the hilt easily into the top of Dan’s head and following through seamlessly cutting the woman’s throat before her husband hit the ground.
Ally screamed as her parents fell but when the cloaked man turned to her she froze. She couldn’t speak nor move she only watched as he approached her, bloodied sword still in hand, promptly arriving to stand before her and her pony. Cold eyes searched her from her black hair to her dirty toes and he smiled reaching for her throat with his free hand. Oddly Ally ignored the murder written through the man’s body and stared into those eyes. As blue as hers, yet swirling with black flecks almost as if within those pupils a sea and storm wagged war.
A furious whiney and a mass of pure wrath forced those eyes to side step a hoof, pulling Ally enough to herself to understand fear, however the jolt failed to give movement to her limbs. Baily was at the war horse now; fighting, rearing, pawing, kicking, and biting determined to find the killers head. From where Ally stood it seemed that her horse, which was about three times smaller than the stud’s size, was going to win. “Kick the crap out of him Baily!”
The yell surprised him but only just. He grabbed the young child and hurled her at her own horse. They collided, a bloody mess melding with the side of the cottage. His horse trotted after the forms to further bruise the mangled bodies, anger at the mare still evident in the beats eyes.
Draxon allowed him a few minutes while he whipped his sword clean revealing the beautiful steal beyond the grit. It was a simple design: a single silver rose etched on the hilt, with red blood engraved streaming down the blade.
His canines emerged from his wicked smile as he caught his steed from pawing the already half dead further into the dirt and ruble of the dented cottage.
He looked upon the horse and child. The girl’s hair was now matted with blood and her limbs seemed to have no structure, as if collapsed within the flesh. The slight rise and fall of the girl’s broken ribs seemed to be the only effort the pitiful body could emit. The horse was bleeding and bruised as well, but in much worse shape than the girl. Broken bones in her limbs and tattered skin racked the body and blood came from the nose of the animal.
I should finish them both… but no if they some how live- which was very unlikely with the creatures around here- than these two pathetic souls could come find him. After all who wouldn’t want revenge for what I have done?
He turned away mounting his steed and looked at the moon his canines glinting beneath his grin. The pair stood there like a menacing statue of death until he spurred his horse on, not giving the bodies another look back.