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I'm posting here a lot because I like to think that I might actually be a good writer *gasp*
This is a kinda long one, but I do really need help with this one. Pleasepleaseplease bear with me.
I started writing it because I was stuck on an airplane for 8 hours, and I've worked a bunch on this one.. I have a vague idea about what the story is supposed to be but I am completely and utterly stuck.
I NEED HELP BWAH.


Untitled
The sound of the deadbolt unlocking filled the empty apartment hallway. Marisa opened the door, her eyes weary from a tough day at the office.

Marisa was a skinny, blonde woman who worked for an accounting office downtown. People would come to her if they had an issue with taxes, credit card payments, home morgages, etc.

Her eyes, although she was only 30, were getting strained. Now, by the end of the day, she could barely keep her eyes open.

She sat her briefcase and keys on the table, and then through the darkness, Marisa staggered over to her bed.

Unmarried, Marisa often spent the night in that bed curled up with a book to read. But that was before her company began overworking her, before she needed reading glasses to distinguish the difference between a 7 and a 9.

Marisa plopped into her bed, her eyes closed, the lights off. She pulled back the covers and slid into bed like she did every night. This time, though, Marisa's foot was greeted by a sticky warm liquid on the end of her bed.

Her eyes opened carefully, and she switched on the light. Taking a deep breath, she noted that her room smelled faintly of iron.

Glancing at the sheets, a stark-white, she noticed a deep red, almost wine colored, pool of blood at the foot of her bed. Her eyes widened in horror as she saw the gruesome scene that lay before her.

On the wall opposite the bed, from floor to ceiling, were bloody handprints. More like smears, because the closer they got to the ground, the more they became lines and less like five-fingered prints.

The sheets also looked like there had been a struggle, because the edge of the bed was in disarray. Marisa had made the bed before she'd left for work. Now, the sheet was bundled under the feather blanket, like it had been made by someone who knew nothing abut beds.

Marisa froze. All she could do was look, stare at the smudged handprints on her walls, the blood rings on her bed.

Her first instinct was to scream, but the most she could let out was a barely audible hiss-like should. So she just stared. She stared until her eyes blinked with fatigue.

On shaky feet, she stood, tiptoeing over to the door, the way a person with arachnophobia would walk around a 3 foot spider.

Her mind told her to keep her head forward, to not even glance at the gore-filled masterpiece that lay on her floor, drying every second.

Her head jerked to the left, involuntarily, but once she saw it, she couldn't take her eyes off.

The streaks continued from the wall onto the floor, leading to under the bed, where there were the grey-red fingertips of presumably the persn who's blood was over everything.

Marisa turned and ran into her kitchen. The wall phone by the refridgerator was blood covered and the line was cut. She struggled to remember the last time she used her cell phone, because when you're an accountant, you don't have much of a social life.

The black desk on the far end of the apartment! It was in the drawer. She'd last used it when her cousins were in town to visit, and she'd needed to contact them at the airport.

Hands shaking, she was barely able to open the drawer, but when she did, she breathed a sigh of relief.

The bulky grey flip phone felt awkward and strange in her hands.

Opening it, she heard the chirp of a text message.

Unknown number, she opened it.

"You call for help, I'll kill you. Just like the guy under your bed."

Marisa screamed, dropping her phone, which shortly thereafter broke into three pieces, leaving the cracked screen fixed on the message.

And all Marisa could do was stare.

---------

Hey. I actually have a ton more with the story, but I don't want to type it for /probably/ no feedback. So PM me if you want me to post more of the story, because its a lot more. And probably a lot more confusing.
I really just need someone to tell me where to go on this one section.

Thank you, much love, xx
If you're worried about a lack of responses then you should describe what the story is about (instead of just jumping into it) and put the piece in the right subforum.

I read it and right away I noticed you have two problems:

1) A huge info. dump.

2) All your paragraphs are about a sentence or two long.

Both of these things are bad. You don't want to throw a bunch of information at the reader. Gradually build the character through their actions. You were sort of getting the idea of it when you were describing how she couldn't read without glasses anymore because of her job. But since that was in the big info dump and you were telling not showing it lost its luster.

You need to do a better job at describing things as well. I'm a little lost about the layout of this house. It may help you if you drew a blueprint of it and put in the furniture to get a better idea of the layout. This can also help the reader visualize.

My next qualm is with the character. I can understand she'd be shocked to see such a gory scene, but I can't imagine someone to just continue staring at it for who knows how long. Also, why won't she get out of the house? If I saw a gory scene in my house I would instantly be booking it out of there (provided I didn't need to throw up first). I wouldn't be wandering around my house to look for my cell phone. I'd be going to my neighbors and asking to use their phone. She lives in an apartment, right? She shouldn't have trouble doing that.

haileyserenity
On shaky feet, she stood, tiptoeing over to the door, the way a person with arachnophobia would walk around a 3 foot spider.

This sentence took me out of the story because I lived with an arachnophobic and holy crap there is no quiet tiptoeing going on when she sees a spider. That person would run away (crying hysterically no less), especially if it was three feet big.

Also, if a cell phone breaks into three pieces, I'm guessing the screen is no longer attached or the battery popped out, in which case the message on the phone would disappear. Alternatively (and in my opinion more realistic) is that she could drop the phone, perhaps cracking the screen, but otherwise it stays intact which allows the screen to still show the message.

I can't answer you're big questions of where to go with it because you have more than this. I can tell you that to get past the 'writer's block' just force yourself to write different scenarios, or just list the different outcomes. Think of who the antagonist is and what he would want with Marissa. What makes her so special? And why kill someone and shove them under her bed? (I'm still trying to figure that last one out.)

I hope this at least helped you in some way. I think this has potential and I wish you luck in your writing. =]
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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Analyze.

Why are you stuck and can't go further?

What do you want to accomplish and why can't you get there?

Does something no longer make sense? Is something missing?
RADI0 Mouse's avatar

Shirtless Wench

I concur with the fact that your paragraphs are glorified sentences and most can be combined to create a paragraph. You separate paragraphs when you move on to a new idea, and I'll give you an example after I finish this paragraph.

I've always found that, when I've got a vague idea and that's all I've got, writing an outline and a list of characters, motivations and maybe even drawing a visual brainstorm help to cement where I want the story to go.
If it doesn't seem to write itself in the first bits, it's easier just to get a pad of paper and a pen and go wild for a bit - scratch out ideas that won't work, write in alternate situations - play around.

Writing will take some effort and some playing about. Don't be afraid to lay out your ideas and rearrange them. If it doesn't work out the first time, you can always revise and make it better.
Rockstar2511's avatar

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You seem to just give out all the information instead of trying to find a way to cleverly incorporate into the story.
Your paragraphs aren't really paragraphs at all. They're little more than 2 or 3 sentences stuck together. Try to keep your ideas together instead of breaking them all up. It makes your piece easier to read.

If you're stuck, try writing out where you want the story to go. Make a bulleted list with ALL your ideas you can always refine that list when you're sure of the direction you want to go in.
Also, remember that you don't have to write a story in order. A lot of the time I come up with a perfect ending when I'm halfway through my first paragraph. But write your ideas down! Nothing is worse than having a brilliant idea and forgetting it when you need it.

Hope it helped!

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