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Arc One: After That War

It had been two years since Kara had returned to her clan,all she could see were burning buildings and her dead commrades.

Kara noticed something out of her eye, to her thoughts it was probably just another dead citizen, but she had to check it out. She walked over to where the dead body layed, it had been crushed by a beam of a house. She rolled over the beam, to her suprise she knew the woman lieing there, it was Siera, the woman who had raised her in place of her parents.

Kara found tears running down her face, this was certainly an unhappy, unexpected welcome back into the clan.
No one can read that. Just looking at it burns eyes. White backgrounds demand dark fonts. Best to use black. smile
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Arc Two: The Spirit Clans, The Begining Of A War(Prolouge)

Away from where humans live, deeply embedded in a forest, live the spirit clans. Each has a leader who has the power of an animal spirit.

Kara of the cat clan, Soto of the wolf clan, Naki of the rabbit clan, Tachi of the bird clan, Natsuka of the bear clan and Sutachi of the dear clan.

Each has a mark, supressing their powers. Each has a unique power to fight off enemies.

"The war began because they all meddled. It was there faults, hence why we ignore them. Humans are ignorant." Two years ago a clan showed the humans everything, little did that clan know the humans would turn on us, and kill nearly everyone in the spirit clans.
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Otaku_Keeii
Arc Two: The Spirit Clans, The Begining Of A War(Prolouge)

Away from where humans live, deeply embedded in a forest, live the spirit clans. Each has a leader who has the power of an animal spirit.

Kara of the cat clan, Soto of the wolf clan, Naki of the rabbit clan, Tachi of the bird clan, Natsuka of the bear clan and Sutachi of the dear clan.

Each has a mark, supressing their powers. Each has a unique power to fight off enemies.

"The war began because they all meddled. It was there faults, hence why we ignore them. Humans are ignorant." Two years ago a clan showed the humans everything, little did that clan know the humans would turn on us, and kill nearly everyone in the spirit clans.

1) Why are they clans? Why are the clans named after animals when clans aren't usually named after animals?
2) How do the marks suppress powers?
3) Why are the powers suppressed?
4) Where does this take place?
5) When does this take place?
6) History and common sense that's it's not wise to ignore warmongers. That's how WW2 started. These people don't make sense; are they the bad guys because of this bad logic?
7)You need to proofread before you show your work to others.
cool you need to read the rules and look at a forum before you post in it.
Cielcillia_Phantomhive's avatar

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I'm killing this forum*stab stab* DIE! >.< WHY DO I SUCK AT WRITING
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Otaku_Keeii
I'm killing this forum*stab stab* DIE! >.< WHY DO I SUCK AT WRITING


You do know the questions were asked so you could use them to improve your writing right? That's what critique is.

Wasn't this posted months ago, also without reading the forum rules, and abandoned when similar questions were asked?
I'd suggest slowing down. Maybe even plan this out some so you know what each part must accomplish.

Example: "Arc 1" is barely 5 sentences or so. It flies by. There really isn't any sense of setting. It goes by so fast the discovery doesn't really have any impact on me. Slowing it down. Taking your time. This will help improve it.

Also, why arcs? Do you mean chapters?
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Sir Icehawk

Also, why arcs? Do you mean chapters?

I hope so. an arc is usually over several chapters or even books.
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I agree with the other posters here. There's no sense of setting, time or place. When and where does this take place? You need to establish certain things early on in the story. What powers do these characters have, and why are they suppressed? What's the point of giving the characters powers if they only have marks that suppress them? You imply that these characters aren't human, but do they resemble humans?
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marshmallowcreampie
You imply that these characters aren't human, but do they resemble humans?

Clans are made up of people that are considered related, like a large, extended family and they are named after said family. If these characters' clans are named after animals, are they, in fact, those animals?

How did these people/animals get this power? is it clan-related? Do the clans teach them about these powers? When? How? Is there a philosophy or other belief connected to it?
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I_Write_Ivre

Clans are made up of people that are considered related, like a large, extended family and they are named after said family. If these characters' clans are named after animals, are they, in fact, those animals?

How did these people/animals get this power? is it clan-related? Do the clans teach them about these powers? When? How? Is there a philosophy or other belief connected to it?


I dunno. OP doesn't make it clear. She says each clan has the power of an animal spirit, so it makes it sound like the clan members are not animals. After all, a wolf with the power of a wolf?
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This isn't really much of a story... more like a summary of one. As the others have mentioned, you need to slow down and give us more details. Who are these characters and why should we care about them? Where are they? What's the world like? What do these people/animal things even look like? Stuff like that would be nice to know.

Also, watch your grammar. You've got some odd run-ons and sentences that just don't make much sense.

I recommend reading more books. Use them to learn more about how to write stories and such. Keep practicing, too. That's the only way you'll get better. wink
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marshmallowcreampie
I_Write_Ivre

Clans are made up of people that are considered related, like a large, extended family and they are named after said family. If these characters' clans are named after animals, are they, in fact, those animals?

How did these people/animals get this power? is it clan-related? Do the clans teach them about these powers? When? How? Is there a philosophy or other belief connected to it?


I dunno. OP doesn't make it clear. She says each clan has the power of an animal spirit, so it makes it sound like the clan members are not animals. After all, a wolf with the power of a wolf?

I thought she meant 'of the wolf clan', given her typing.
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Otaku_Keeii
I'm killing this forum*stab stab* DIE! >.< WHY DO I SUCK AT WRITING


I don't mean to sound rude, but why are you so angry at people who are trying to help you? They aren't doing this out of meanness or spitefulness. Your idea behind your story seems fine, but you're writing it as if the reader KNOWS what's going on.

I have the same problem. You have to remember that what you can see in your head must be put down in specific details. What does the surrounding area look like? What does the main character look like? Without detail and meaning, those are just words.

Also, I don't mean to be a grammar N***, but your spelling and grammar needs checking also. It's for the reader's benefit, too.

Don't become devastated. Revise and listen to your audience, taking in every thing they have to offer and thanking them. It's the only way to improve.

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