Schizophrenia

[Pink Genocide]

(( I wrote this for my ENG 207 class recently and I'm looking for more feedback on my work. Please help me?
This is a short story, so hopefully it's not too horrendous. ; n; ))

Schizophrenia

“Well, it’s doesn’t seem that bad,” I tell Daddy. He’s sitting on the couch, watching television. Foxtail is crouched on an armchair nearby, staring at me with his strange black eyes. “Does it seem so bad, Daddy?”

“Of course not,” Daddy answers, “Seeing things is perfectly alright, Luis.”

I crawl onto the sofa and sit cross-legged next to my father. He smiles at me, leans over to kiss my forehead in a way that makes me giggle. You know, I haven’t seen him in a while. He’s sometimes around, but most of the time, he’s gone. Only Foxtail is always there for me to play with, and sometimes, Foxtail is no fun to be around, because he’s always bad.

“I don’t like this channel,” Foxtail says, fluttering his butterfly wings irritably, “Throw the remote at the television.”

So I do it, because Foxtail always insists that he knows what he’s talking about. The remote control smacks off the TV screen and falls to the floor with a clatter. That makes Mommy dart out from the kitchen, glaring at me like I’ve done something wrong again.

“Don’t you start up, Luis,” Mommy warns. She doesn’t look at Daddy, who is still watching TV. “You can’t do those things when Mrs. Smith comes to visit. You’d better behave yourself.”

I start to cry, because Foxtail is laughing so hard. Daddy puts his arm around me, rubs the back of head.

“You’re alright, Luis,” he soothes, “You’ll be fine, sugar.” He kisses my forehead, like always, because it makes me feel better. I may not see Daddy all of the time, but I love him and I know he loves me.

I figure I must have been thinking aloud, because Foxtail says, “He doesn’t love you. Only I love you. You know why?”

“Why?” I ask. Foxtail’s black eyes glitter.

“Because I tell you how to have fun. Kick the coffee table over.”

“No!” I protest, but Foxtail insists. With a yell, I shove the coffee table over with both feet, sending the wooden coasters sliding across the floor. It’s so loud that I start crying again, and Daddy starts saying, “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re alright” over and over. But Foxtail doesn’t want me to listen to Daddy.

“Make Mommy come back here!” Foxtail orders, standing on the armchair in his bare feet, “She won’t listen unless you make her listen!”

At the top of my lungs, I scream and jump on the overturned coffee table. I pick up the remote control and fling it at the wall and I go to rip the books from their shelves over the fireplace. All of my noise has Mommy stomping out of the kitchen.

“Go to your goddamned room, Luis!”

“No!” Foxtail and I shout at the same time. Daddy is still chanting his “it’s okays”, and the colors are starting to swirl on the ceiling again. I can’t make sense of anything. This always happens when Foxtail is bad, and the Doctor often says I should count to five, but the numbers are playing tag now and I can’t catch them.

Bumblebees flood from the yellow carpet, the couch is soaked with a waterfall, my clothes become stones and I’m screaming, screaming, screaming. It’s okay. It’s alright, sugar. Daddy loves you. Kick the walls. Punch Mommy. It’s okay. You’re fine, sugar. I love you. I love you. Ding-dong! It’s okay! Ding-dong!

When Mommy goes to answer the door, I’m quiet again, watching television with Daddy. Foxtail crouches on the armchair, stares at me.

It’s Mommy’s friend, Mrs. Smith, at the door. I don’t look at her, but I hear her come in and give a little gasp when she sees the mess I’ve made.

“This is Luis,” Mommy is saying, “He’s just had a little tantrum, but he takes his Risperdal at eight.”

“I’m seven,” I say informatively. Daddy smiles at me, kisses my forehead to make me giggle. “Stop it, Daddy!”

Mrs. Smith speaks softly to Mommy. “Who’s he talking to?”

Mommy sighs shortly. “My late husband. He’s just one of Luis’s hallucinations, don’t be bothered.”

They talk about me for a few minutes by the door, pretending that I’m not listening. I draw my knees to my chest and stare at the television hard enough to hurt my eyes. Eventually, Mommy wants Mrs. Smith to try her pie, and she leads her into the kitchen.

“Hey, Luis,” Foxtail says, watching Mommy and Mrs. Smith go, “Choke yourself.”

“It’s okay,” Daddy whispers, “It’s alright, sugar.”

End.

(( Luis's Mommy is a little abusive. >: Bad Mommy.
Please tell me what you think? ))

[I BE THE WAFFLE]

amazing..well i guess the moms not as abusive as the one in this book i read called "The child called it" it really touched my heart i wanted to cry well i did but this stories not bad, well it could also use a bit more vocab but who am i to say that i have a hard time with my writing as it is...e~O....anyway nice!!!

[haaskiis_girl]

Wow im a writer as well Im currently working on getting my stuff published your awesome keep writing hun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[[x] Bob-IT [x]]

I'm rather impressed. I loved your usage of 'again' when talking about the colors on the ceiling. It helps add more of a history to the characters, make them more realistic. I also really liked how the numbers were playing tag. Fantastic. :3

The only real problem I have with this is that if not for his name, I would imagine Luis as a female. The picture you paint of the child is very much more feminine than masculine (even for a child).

Oh, and it seemed like Mrs. Smith was someone of high importance, like a CPS agent or someone Mommy needed to impress, for whatever reason, beyond that of just a friend.


Other than that, this was really good. I'd like to see more.

[Pink Genocide]

Thank you, everyone!

@[x] Bob-IT [x]: I tend to write more gender-neutral, albeit sensitive/emotional characters. It's probably because I'm a girl (I'm my own downfall, haha). Was it the interaction between Foxtail and Luis that caused it?

Also, Mrs. Smith's character is ambiguous. I originally intended for her to be a new babysitter, but then it seemed unreasonable that Luis's mother was leaving someone alone with her schizophrenic child, even if she was a little neglectful. I just thought that anyone would want their consistently-misbehaving child to be on their best behavior when someone came to visit. I'm glad you pointed this out to me, though. Thank you.

And thank you again for the useful critique. It's easy for a short story like this one to completely run off its tracks, so I'm glad there are improvements I can make.

[SortaAsian]

Wow, that story actually kind of gave me chills. That was really well done o_o

[[x] Bob-IT [x]]

Pink Genocide

Thank you, everyone!

@[x] Bob-IT [x]: I tend to write more gender-neutral, albeit sensitive/emotional characters. It's probably because I'm a girl (I'm my own downfall, haha). Was it the interaction between Foxtail and Luis that caused it?

Also, Mrs. Smith's character is ambiguous. I originally intended for her to be a new babysitter, but then it seemed unreasonable that Luis's mother was leaving someone alone with her schizophrenic child, even if she was a little neglectful. I just thought that anyone would want their consistently-misbehaving child to be on their best behavior when someone came to visit. I'm glad you pointed this out to me, though. Thank you.

And thank you again for the useful critique. It's easy for a short story like this one to completely run off its tracks, so I'm glad there are improvements I can make.

Actually, it was the relationship between him and his father. I totally get the gender neutral thing, I'm gay and when I write a short story that involves a couple, I try to not put any gender roles/identities on the either (if I can avoid gender, that is) so anyone reading it could imagine it any way. Boyboy, boygirl, girlgirl, whatever.

And I think a babysitter is an okay thing for a mom to do. I mean, she can't take him EVERYWHERE, and a personal baby sitter is a much better idea than a day care.

One more thing, actually. I think the story would be much improved with a different title. 'Schizophrenia' gives too much away, we're expecting it, looking for the clues. Maybe a little more ambiguity in the title will make the impact of the story much harder.

[Pink Genocide]

[x] Bob-IT [x]

Actually, it was the relationship between him and his father. I totally get the gender neutral thing, I'm gay and when I write a short story that involves a couple, I try to not put any gender roles/identities on the either (if I can avoid gender, that is) so anyone reading it could imagine it any way. Boyboy, boygirl, girlgirl, whatever.

And I think a babysitter is an okay thing for a mom to do. I mean, she can't take him EVERYWHERE, and a personal baby sitter is a much better idea than a day care.

One more thing, actually. I think the story would be much improved with a different title. 'Schizophrenia' gives too much away, we're expecting it, looking for the clues. Maybe a little more ambiguity in the title will make the impact of the story much harder.

I suck at titles. ): I had no clue what to name it, other than "Untitled".

I actually had Mrs. Smith be a new babysitter originally, but my professor thought that someone leaving their severely schizophrenic child with a stranger wasn't a good idea, so I changed it up. However, everyone in class had different opinions about it. Personally, I preferred the babysitter idea.

Oh, I based the father off my own dad, who calls my younger brother "sugar" even though my brother's about fifteen. Most of their interactions mirror Luis and his father's, although that might seem strange to readers, so I can understand.

And now I'm interested in what you write, haha. I'd love to read some of your work.

[[x] Bob-IT [x]]

Well, if you're really interested, I just posted something here last night called 'Inside'. It more of a Sci-Fi (which I've strangely been favoring as of late), although not extremely. There's no romance in this one, either. Let me see if I can find something for you.

[wonderfuel]

That was really interesting. I liked it.

[terradi]

Wow. I clicked on the story with some apprehension. Schizophrenia is so often referred to in fiction by beginning writers who don't do their homework and just write about DID like it's fun to have multiple personalities. I expected something like that. Not something where the author had actually done their homework. Nice!

I'd agree on the comment on Mrs. Smith sounding quite important. Also that you may want to change the title. It caught my attention, but for bad reasons.