Nadia's Story (To be retitled)

[Jaymis]

Usurper Of Thrones

I've only read the intro but I already found something wrong with the plot. If you bumped into an old friend that you haven't spoken to in five years, why would you decide to go to a club to get reacquainted? The music's too loud.

Also, they don't serve coffee in nightclubs.

good point didnt really think about that while i was typing lol

[Jaymis]

ok started writing it fresh hope its better then my last start lol heart redface

[Jaymis]

she glanced at her watch and sighed with disappointment she had been sitting there for about an hour with out him showing up, she gathered her stuff up and stood up to leave.

"Hey Nadia, fancy meeting you here" a male voice said startling her.

"Hey Deveron ya I know, just came out for coffee" Nadia said pretending to smile. "Well I gotta get home, lots of stuff to do for tomorrow you know" she laughed as she walked away from him.

[Cogent Dream]

Usurper Of Thrones

I've only read the intro but I already found something wrong with the plot. If you bumped into an old friend that you haven't spoken to in five years, why would you decide to go to a club to get reacquainted? The music's too loud.

Also, they don't serve coffee in nightclubs.

Stranger danger.

[Jaymis]

Jaymis

she glanced at her watch and sighed with disappointment she had been sitting there for about an hour with out him showing up, she gathered her stuff up and stood up to leave.

"Hey Nadia, fancy meeting you here" a male voice said startling her.

"Hey Deveron ya I know, just came out for coffee" Nadia said pretending to smile. "Well I gotta get home, lots of stuff to do for tomorrow you know" she laughed as she walked away from him.

"Your really dressed up for just coffee" Deveron said his words stopping her in her tracks.
"Maybe I wanted to dress up" she said her voice taking on an angry tone at her former friend.

[Jaymis]

"ouch what's gotten in to you Nadia I was just joking sheesh" he said

"Just leave me alone Deveron Good Night I'm going home now" Nadia said walking out of the coffee shop and to her 1986 black fire bird. She opened the driver side door and sat down in the driver seat to take off the 3 inch high heeled shoes she had put on for tonights meeting which never seemed to have taken place. She sighed in disappointment she was so looking forward to meeting up with her old friend that she hadnt seen in so many years.

[Clemence Amorette]

sweatdrop I almost forgot about reviewing this again. I've had much to do since I have finals for my a short term class in college is coming. But it's one class and no four, so I'll give it a go. I'll do whatever edits I can in red, and suggestions shall be in violet. I break the work into parts making it easier from me to critique.

Jaymis

She sat at a table, a paper coffee cup in front of her half empty. Her long brown hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, showing off her new silver hoop earrings that she had bought earlier today for this get together. She also put on makeup before heading to the coffee shop to meet up with an old friend she hadn't seen in many years.

I think I'd like to see what the coffee shop looked like while she was sitting there. Show us, the readers, what's going on while she's sitting there drinking coffee whilst she waits. Paint the scene here. wink

Quote:

She wanted to look her best when she sees him, and she was very nervous. She had dressed up in her best clothes; a low cut, light blue t-shirt, a pair of black flared jeans, and her high heeled boots as well for she remembered that he liked those boots on her. She was supposed to meet with this old friend here tonight, and was looking forward to seeing him again since it had been about five years since she last saw him.

Wait... Naida's best clothes are a low cut shirt, jeans, and some boots? o.O Understandably this is a coffee shop, and that would be considered normal wear. You'll get my meaning when we get to the dressy part.

Quote:

She never even got to say good bye. He had been in a horrific accident with her; he had been knocked out, and so was she. When she woke up, she was in a different hospital than him, and they wouldn’t give her any details on how he was doing. She never saw him after that day. His parents banned her from seeing him while he recovered from the accident, and wouldn’t give him any of her messages when she called to talk to him.

What horrific accident? I have a feeling they were still in high school from how the parents kept her away. Because if they were adults, they really can't do much since their son is the person who decides who comes into his hospital room. Then again, that varies sometimes even with adults. I think this would probably be a good time to elaborate on what sort of accident this was. Not a flash back, but have her recall it while in the coffee shop.

Quote:

She glanced at her watch, sighing with disappointment, for she had been sitting there about an hour without him showing up. Gathering her things, she stood up to leave the coffee shop since she believed he wasn't coming.

"Hey Nadia, fancy meeting you here," a male voice said startling her.

"Hey Deveron. Yeah, I know, just came out for coffee." Nadia said pretending to smile. "Well, I gotta head home. Lots of stuff to do for tomorrow you know," she laughed as she walked away from him.

"You're really dressed up for just coffee." Deveron said, his words stopping her in her tracks.

"Maybe I wanted to dress up?" Her voice taking on an angry tone at her former friend.

Is Deveron this old friend? And his comment she dressed up isn't really dressed up. Dressed up, in my opinion, would be her wearing a dress and heels. That would be dressed up. I'm sorry, but a good amount of women wear makeup, but not the low cut shirt. <.<; Varies on where they work; otherwise, those low cut shirts will get them into trouble. Perhaps giving an insight as to why he considers this like she dressed up? If she was a tomboy and never wore such things before, then I can believe that what's she got on is a bit dressed up.

Quote:

"Ouch! What's gotten in to you Nadia? I was just joking, sheesh," he shot back.

"Just leave me alone Deveron. Goodnight. I'm going home now." Nadia flatly stated, walking out of the coffee shop and to her 1986 black Firebird. She opened the driver side door, slipping into the driver seat to take off the three inch heel shoes she had put on for tonight's meeting which never seemed to have taken place. She sighed in disappointment; she was so looking forward to meeting up with her old friend that she hadn't seen in so many years.

If Deveron is the the old friend, use his name instead. Repetition can be nice, but if he's the friend use his name. I had a feeling she would be angry, so I sort of filled in her dialogue with punctuation that would sort of show that she wasn't happy and was leaving.

Sum review:
It needs a bit of work, but it's interesting. I changed quite a bit of the sentences to give them variations. You seem to like using "she" a lot. I suggest using her name, as well as varying the sentence up. I mean it could get boring if all you do is reading "She did this" or "She was doing..." could become repetitive and boring. Jazzing it up with variation in your sentence structures, and wording can help with it. Keep practicing with that, and I'm sure you'll get a hang of it. Hopefully those grammar suggestions were correct. Grammar is my weak spot, but I'm working on it.

I wanted to know more about Naida and Deveron's past with the accident. For now, she seems a bit like a nervous wreck trying to impress someone who may not be the same. I was expecting more of someone else to walk in, but that's my romance sap at work since I was hoping Deveron was some other friend. Reveal the name or nickname of this old friend of hers. Although the name Naida seems odd for now, it works for a name placement. Might wanna change it down the line varying on how others are name. Because if everyone has sort of common or specially spelled common names (i.e. Justyne instead of Justine) then it will stick out like a sore thumb. Varies on the genre of this piece and where this is all set up at.

Good job, and keep on writing hun. ^-^

Have a pleasant day/eve/morning.

[Allyhall]

Clemence Amorette has said most of what has been needed to be said, but I'll give it a go.

First of all, show, don't tell. Some things like "she bit her lip anxiously, straightening her shirt for the fiftieth time since she had sat down in an attempt to look perfect", or other things like that would be a nice replacement than just saying that she was nervous. The same could go for apearance, like saying that she brushed her long brown hair away from her face, or something along those lines. However, I do like the idea you have so far about an accident separating them, it's intriguing, good luck!

[Jaymis]

Clemence Amorette

sweatdrop I almost forgot about reviewing this again. I've had much to do since I have finals for my a short term class in college is coming. But it's one class and no four, so I'll give it a go. I'll do whatever edits I can in red, and suggestions shall be in violet. I break the work into parts making it easier from me to critique.

Jaymis

She sat at a table, a paper coffee cup in front of her half empty. Her long brown hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, showing off her new silver hoop earrings that she had bought earlier today for this get together. She also put on makeup before heading to the coffee shop to meet up with an old friend she hadn't seen in many years.

I think I'd like to see what the coffee shop looked like while she was sitting there. Show us, the readers, what's going on while she's sitting there drinking coffee whilst she waits. Paint the scene here. wink

Quote:

She wanted to look her best when she sees him, and she was very nervous. She had dressed up in her best clothes; a low cut, light blue t-shirt, a pair of black flared jeans, and her high heeled boots as well for she remembered that he liked those boots on her. She was supposed to meet with this old friend here tonight, and was looking forward to seeing him again since it had been about five years since she last saw him.

Wait... Naida's best clothes are a low cut shirt, jeans, and some boots? o.O Understandably this is a coffee shop, and that would be considered normal wear. You'll get my meaning when we get to the dressy part.

Quote:

She never even got to say good bye. He had been in a horrific accident with her; he had been knocked out, and so was she. When she woke up, she was in a different hospital than him, and they wouldn’t give her any details on how he was doing. She never saw him after that day. His parents banned her from seeing him while he recovered from the accident, and wouldn’t give him any of her messages when she called to talk to him.

What horrific accident? I have a feeling they were still in high school from how the parents kept her away. Because if they were adults, they really can't do much since their son is the person who decides who comes into his hospital room. Then again, that varies sometimes even with adults. I think this would probably be a good time to elaborate on what sort of accident this was. Not a flash back, but have her recall it while in the coffee shop.

Quote:

She glanced at her watch, sighing with disappointment, for she had been sitting there about an hour without him showing up. Gathering her things, she stood up to leave the coffee shop since she believed he wasn't coming.

"Hey Nadia, fancy meeting you here," a male voice said startling her.

"Hey Deveron. Yeah, I know, just came out for coffee." Nadia said pretending to smile. "Well, I gotta head home. Lots of stuff to do for tomorrow you know," she laughed as she walked away from him.

"You're really dressed up for just coffee." Deveron said, his words stopping her in her tracks.

"Maybe I wanted to dress up?" Her voice taking on an angry tone at her former friend.

Is Deveron this old friend? And his comment she dressed up isn't really dressed up. Dressed up, in my opinion, would be her wearing a dress and heels. That would be dressed up. I'm sorry, but a good amount of women wear makeup, but not the low cut shirt. <.<; Varies on where they work; otherwise, those low cut shirts will get them into trouble. Perhaps giving an insight as to why he considers this like she dressed up? If she was a tomboy and never wore such things before, then I can believe that what's she got on is a bit dressed up.

Quote:

"Ouch! What's gotten in to you Nadia? I was just joking, sheesh," he shot back.

"Just leave me alone Deveron. Goodnight. I'm going home now." Nadia flatly stated, walking out of the coffee shop and to her 1986 black Firebird. She opened the driver side door, slipping into the driver seat to take off the three inch heel shoes she had put on for tonight's meeting which never seemed to have taken place. She sighed in disappointment; she was so looking forward to meeting up with her old friend that she hadn't seen in so many years.

If Deveron is the the old friend, use his name instead. Repetition can be nice, but if he's the friend use his name. I had a feeling she would be angry, so I sort of filled in her dialogue with punctuation that would sort of show that she wasn't happy and was leaving.

Sum review:
It needs a bit of work, but it's interesting. I changed quite a bit of the sentences to give them variations. You seem to like using "she" a lot. I suggest using her name, as well as varying the sentence up. I mean it could get boring if all you do is reading "She did this" or "She was doing..." could become repetitive and boring. Jazzing it up with variation in your sentence structures, and wording can help with it. Keep practicing with that, and I'm sure you'll get a hang of it. Hopefully those grammar suggestions were correct. Grammar is my weak spot, but I'm working on it.

I wanted to know more about Naida and Deveron's past with the accident. For now, she seems a bit like a nervous wreck trying to impress someone who may not be the same. I was expecting more of someone else to walk in, but that's my romance sap at work since I was hoping Deveron was some other friend. Reveal the name or nickname of this old friend of hers. Although the name Naida seems odd for now, it works for a name placement. Might wanna change it down the line varying on how others are name. Because if everyone has sort of common or specially spelled common names (i.e. Justyne instead of Justine) then it will stick out like a sore thumb. Varies on the genre of this piece and where this is all set up at.

Good job, and keep on writing hun. ^-^

Have a pleasant day/eve/morning.

thanks for the tips that is amazing what u wrote for the suggestions i really do need to elaborate i seem to forget to while im typing i forget ppl cant see what i see in my head when i reread it lol

[triforcebear]

Try not to start so many phrases with "She," it can mess up the flow, and makes sentences broken apart and sloppy. Watch your grammar and try to separate into different paragraphs.

[Jaymis]

ok revamped version lets see if this is any better lol

[Jaymis]

Jaymis

ok revamped version lets see if this is any better lol

She sat at a table, a paper coffee cup in front of her, half empty. Her long brown hair was pulled up in a high pony tail so she could show off her new silver hoop earrings that she had bought earlier that day for this get together. She also put on makeup before heading to the coffee shop to meet up with an old friend she hadn't seen in many years. She wanted to look her best to see him, and she bit her lip anxiously as she picked up her cup for what seemed to be the millionth time just to put it back down without taking a sip from it. She had dressed up in her best clothes, a low cut light blue t-shirt and a pair of black flared jeans. She wore her high heeled boots out as well for she remembered that he liked those boots on her. Nadia glanced around the small shop it wasn’t that busy tonight only a few other couples sitting around a table talking about a party that was being planned. She could hear a few of the comments but not all of the conversation.
“Where in the world are you Raven” she wondered out loud.
She was supposed to meet with an old friend here tonight, and she was looking forward to seeing him again since it had been going on five years since she saw him last. Nadia never even got to say good bye. He had been in a horrific accident with her, and he had been knocked out and so had she been. When she woke up she was in a different hospital then him and they wouldn’t give her any details on how he was doing. She never saw him after that day his parents banned her from seeing him while he recovered from the accident and wouldn’t give him any of her messages when she called to talk to him. She glanced at her watch sighing with disappointment she had been sitting there for about an hour without him showing up. Gathering her things, she stood up to leave the coffee shop since she believed he wasn’t coming.

"Hey Nadia, fancy meeting you here" a male voice said startling her.

"Hey Deveron ya I know, just came out for coffee" Nadia said pretending to smile. "Well I gotta head home, lots of stuff to do for tomorrow you know" she laughed as she walked away from him.
"You’re really dressed up for just coffee" Deveron said his words stopping her in her tracks. “Normally you’re never out of your comfy baggy clothes your so fond of”
"Maybe I wanted to dress up for once" she said her voice taking on an angry tone at her former friend. She glared at Deveron she told him 5 years ago that she never wanted to see him again after the accident that had made her boyfriend and her miss the last half semester of their senior year of high school and totalling her favorite car that her father had giving her as a birthday gift for her 16th birthday. Pictures of the twisted metal and bloodied body of her boyfriend as he tried to protect her from the crash streamed through her mind.
Deveron had gotten into a jealous rage after she had turned him down when he asked her to go to prom with him. She told him that she was going with her boyfriend Raven and to stop trying to interfere with their relationship. He stormed off and jumped into his car in the school parking lot that was mostly empty. Raven had joined her at that point in time so she had looked away from Deveron and toward her boyfriend. Raven walked Nadia to her car and opened the passenger side door for her. His car was parked at her house from when he had picked Nadia up that morning. There was a roar of an engine and squeal of rubber on the concrete, both Raven and Nadia turned toward the sound and saw Deveron in his truck speeding toward them. The last thing Nadia saw was twisted metal of the passenger side door and her boyfriend’s body covered in blood unconscious laying over hers as he tried to protect her from the truck before she passed out.

"Ouch what's gotten in to you Nadia I was just joking sheesh" he said

"Just leave me alone Deveron Goodnight I'm going home now" Nadia said walking out of the coffee shop and to her 1986 black Firebird. She opened the driver side door slipping into the driver seat to take off the 3 inch high heeled shoes she had put on for tonight’s meeting which never seemed to have taken place. She sighed in disappointment; she was so looking forward to meeting up with her old friend that she hadn’t seen in so many years.

[Clemence Amorette]

Alright, I'll take a look at the re-vamp. Seems like a good start, and I'll do the same last time. Red for corrections,and violet for suggestions.

Jaymis

She sat at a table, a paper coffee cup in front of her half empty. Her long brown hair was pulled up in a high ponytail so she could show off her new silver hoop earrings that she had bought earlier that day for this get together. Nadia had put on some makeup before heading to the coffee shop to meet up with her old boyfriend she hadn't seen in many years. She wanted to look her best when she sees him, and bit her lip anxiously as she picked up her cup for what seemed like the millionth time to just to place it back down without drinking from it. She had dressed up in her best clothes: a low cut light blue t-shirt, a pair of black flared jeans, and her high heeled boots that she remembered he liked when she wore them.

Play close attention to the wording I used. You're is fine, but it's nice to build up your diction while you go. You'll catch a lot of your spelling errors if you used a word document, and if you use Microsoft Word documents (i.e. Word 2007 or 2010) and you can catch some of your grammatical errors as well. I had to re-edit the fact that Raven, whom she's meeting with I suppose, is her old boyfriend from high school. Not an old friend. Pay close attention to your usage of "she". You'll notice I delete parts that I thought weren't needed.

Quote:

Nadia glanced around the small shop; it wasn’t that busy tonight with only a few other couples sitting around a table talking about a party that was being planned. She could hear a few of the comments, but not all of the conversation.
“Where in the world are you Raven,” she wondered out loud.

Commas are difficult to place, however, one rule for them is easy to spot so long as you spot a FANBOY (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet) within the sentence. I could go into deeper details and drag out my college English book to give better examples, but for now this will help as a basic building block. Semicolons are used to separate two corresponding sentences; meaning that the semicolon separates two sentences that are related to one another. I like how you described a bit of the coffee shop. I wanted more details, as in how it looked like on the inside and the atmosphere. A late night coffee shop? My haven. I love coffee, but back review. ;D

Quote:

She was supposed to meet with Raven here tonight, and she was so looking forward to seeing him since it has been five years since she last saw him. Nadia never even got to say good bye. He had been in a horrific accident with her; he had been knocked out, and so had she been. When she woke up, she was in a different hospital than him and they wouldn’t give her any details on how he was doing. She never saw him after that day. His parents banned her from seeing him while he recovered from the accident, and wouldn’t give him any of her messages when she called to speak to him. She glanced at her watch, sighing with disappointment, she had been sitting there for about an hour without him showing up. Gathering her things, she stood up to leave the coffee shop since she believed he wasn’t coming.

I changed "old friend" to "Raven" since that's who she was meeting. He's not an old friend from what I read later on; hence you'll start confusing readers when they reach that part when you mention he's not an old friend. Consistency is key or you'll make your readers in a quizzical state of mind.

Quote:

"Hey Nadia, fancy meeting you here," a male voice said startling her.

"Hey Deveron. Yeah, I know, just came out for coffee." Nadia said pretending to smile. "Well, I gotta head home, lots of stuff to do for tomorrow, you know." She laughed as she started walked away from him, her belongings cradled firmly within her arms.

"You’re really dressed up for just coffee," Deveron stated, his words stopping her in her tracks. “Normally you’re never out of those comfy baggy clothes you're so fond of.”

"Maybe I wanted to dress up for once," she snapped, her voice taking on an angry tone at her former friend. She glared at Deveron, recalling she told him five years ago that she never wanted to see him again. Not after the accident that had made her and her boyfriend miss the last half semester of their senior year of high school. That accident also totaled her favorite car, the one her father gave to her as a birthday gift for her sixteenth birthday. Images of the crash resurfaced in her mind; the dominate memory was within the twisted metal of the totaled car, and the bloodied, battered, body of her boyfriend as he tried to protect her from the crash.

Spell out the numbers. Anything over 100 has to be spell out, it's a give rule in writing, sadly. I think the part below would work better after her snapping at Deveron. Retelling the reason why she didn't want to see him.

Quote:

Deveron had gone into a jealous rage after she had turned him down when he asked her to go to prom with him. She told him that she was going with her boyfriend, Raven, and to stop trying to interfere with their relationship. He stormed off and jumped into his car in the school parking lot, which was mostly empty. Raven had joined her at that point in time, causing her to look away from Deveron, and toward her boyfriend. Raven walked Nadia to her car and opened the passenger side door for her. His car was parked at her house from when he had picked Nadia up that morning. There was a roar of an engine, a high pitch squeal of rubber on the pavement, this caused both Raven and Nadia turned toward the sound to see Deveron in his truck barreling towards them at high speeds[/colors]. The last thing Nadia saw was twisted metal of the passenger side door and her boyfriend’s body, covered in blood, lying unconscious over hers as he tried to protect her from the truck before she passed out.

Wait a minute. I may not know law, but did Deveron serve time as a minor for causing the accident? I'd ask someone about attempt to cause vehicle manslaughter, but now this is sort of becoming not believable. I think it would be better if he tried to, I don't know, pull out a switch blade or a gun to hurt Nadia which caused Raven to get in the way to protect her. Certainly a car accident would be a bad thing, but Deveron can't be that stupid to speed in a student parking lot when there are other students that can be hit. Even when it was mostly empty, there are teachers around that would see that and call 911 or get a on campus police office to attempt to intervene the moment he started to speed his car in their general direction. Why didn't they attempt to leave the car? Why was Raven's car at her house? Wouldn't it make sense for her car to be at her house, and their in his car? You have to make this believe able, or realistic as some say. We the readers have to believe what we read is true. The moment we start questioning the rational thoughts of the characters and the believability of what is going on, you, the writer, are losing us.

Quote:

"Ouch! What's gotten in to you Nadia? I was just joking, jeez," he said.

"Just leave me alone Deveron. Goodnight. I'm going home now," Nadia said, walking out of the coffee shop and to her 1986 black Firebird. She opened the driver side door, slipping into the driver seat to take off the three inch high heeled boots she had put on for tonight’s meeting which never seemed to have taken place. She sighed in disappointment. Nadia was so looking forward to meeting up with Raven since she hadn’t seen him in so many years.

Just a few punctuation here and there. Very few suggestions of words here. Just remember that you have to spell out your numbers.

Overall sum:
This needs work. It's still a good start, but that accident part needs work. I can't see someone doing that in a parking lot. Now, if he was waiting for them on a side road that she always took with Raven in the car, then I can believe when he hits them from the side and ran off. A simple hit-and-run. The whole parking lot accident threw me off. Try finding somewhere else where he can hit them with his truck, or find other options for them getting so injured they miss out half a semester. Try to find a reasonable accident, research possible car accidents involving hit-and-runs, and what's the possibility of them happening in a parking lot.

Since she was waiting for Raven, I just replace "old friend" with his name. He's her old boyfriend, not an old friend. How old is Nadia? Is she twenty-three and in college? Perhaps since I'm seeing a beginning (or a middle) part of the story, I cannot tell other than what you're giving me. But I'm sure, in time, you'll figure out the rest. I'm glad you're re-vamp improved from the original. ^^ Keep on improving! I'm sure in time you'll have a work you can be proud of.

Have a pleasant day/eve/morning and keep on writing.

[Jaymis]

Clemence Amorette

Alright, I'll take a look at the re-vamp. Seems like a good start, and I'll do the same last time. Red for corrections,and violet for suggestions.

Jaymis

She sat at a table, a paper coffee cup in front of her half empty. Her long brown hair was pulled up in a high ponytail so she could show off her new silver hoop earrings that she had bought earlier that day for this get together. Nadia had put on some makeup before heading to the coffee shop to meet up with her old boyfriend she hadn't seen in many years. She wanted to look her best when she sees him, and bit her lip anxiously as she picked up her cup for what seemed like the millionth time to just to place it back down without drinking from it. She had dressed up in her best clothes: a low cut light blue t-shirt, a pair of black flared jeans, and her high heeled boots that she remembered he liked when she wore them.

Play close attention to the wording I used. You're is fine, but it's nice to build up your diction while you go. You'll catch a lot of your spelling errors if you used a word document, and if you use Microsoft Word documents (i.e. Word 2007 or 2010) and you can catch some of your grammatical errors as well. I had to re-edit the fact that Raven, whom she's meeting with I suppose, is her old boyfriend from high school. Not an old friend. Pay close attention to your usage of "she". You'll notice I delete parts that I thought weren't needed.

Quote:

Nadia glanced around the small shop; it wasn’t that busy tonight with only a few other couples sitting around a table talking about a party that was being planned. She could hear a few of the comments, but not all of the conversation.
“Where in the world are you Raven,” she wondered out loud.

Commas are difficult to place, however, one rule for them is easy to spot so long as you spot a FANBOY (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet) within the sentence. I could go into deeper details and drag out my college English book to give better examples, but for now this will help as a basic building block. Semicolons are used to separate two corresponding sentences; meaning that the semicolon separates two sentences that are related to one another. I like how you described a bit of the coffee shop. I wanted more details, as in how it looked like on the inside and the atmosphere. A late night coffee shop? My haven. I love coffee, but back review. ;D

Quote:

She was supposed to meet with Raven here tonight, and she was so looking forward to seeing him since it has been five years since she last saw him. Nadia never even got to say good bye. He had been in a horrific accident with her; he had been knocked out, and so had she been. When she woke up, she was in a different hospital than him and they wouldn’t give her any details on how he was doing. She never saw him after that day. His parents banned her from seeing him while he recovered from the accident, and wouldn’t give him any of her messages when she called to speak to him. She glanced at her watch, sighing with disappointment, she had been sitting there for about an hour without him showing up. Gathering her things, she stood up to leave the coffee shop since she believed he wasn’t coming.

I changed "old friend" to "Raven" since that's who she was meeting. He's not an old friend from what I read later on; hence you'll start confusing readers when they reach that part when you mention he's not an old friend. Consistency is key or you'll make your readers in a quizzical state of mind.

Quote:

"Hey Nadia, fancy meeting you here," a male voice said startling her.

"Hey Deveron. Yeah, I know, just came out for coffee." Nadia said pretending to smile. "Well, I gotta head home, lots of stuff to do for tomorrow, you know." She laughed as she started walked away from him, her belongings cradled firmly within her arms.

"You’re really dressed up for just coffee," Deveron stated, his words stopping her in her tracks. “Normally you’re never out of those comfy baggy clothes you're so fond of.”

"Maybe I wanted to dress up for once," she snapped, her voice taking on an angry tone at her former friend. She glared at Deveron, recalling she told him five years ago that she never wanted to see him again. Not after the accident that had made her and her boyfriend miss the last half semester of their senior year of high school. That accident also totaled her favorite car, the one her father gave to her as a birthday gift for her sixteenth birthday. Images of the crash resurfaced in her mind; the dominate memory was within the twisted metal of the totaled car, and the bloodied, battered, body of her boyfriend as he tried to protect her from the crash.

Spell out the numbers. Anything over 100 has to be spell out, it's a give rule in writing, sadly. I think the part below would work better after her snapping at Deveron. Retelling the reason why she didn't want to see him.

Quote:

Deveron had gone into a jealous rage after she had turned him down when he asked her to go to prom with him. She told him that she was going with her boyfriend, Raven, and to stop trying to interfere with their relationship. He stormed off and jumped into his car in the school parking lot, which was mostly empty. Raven had joined her at that point in time, causing her to look away from Deveron, and toward her boyfriend. Raven walked Nadia to her car and opened the passenger side door for her. His car was parked at her house from when he had picked Nadia up that morning. There was a roar of an engine, a high pitch squeal of rubber on the pavement, this caused both Raven and Nadia turned toward the sound to see Deveron in his truck barreling towards them at high speeds[/colors]. The last thing Nadia saw was twisted metal of the passenger side door and her boyfriend’s body, covered in blood, lying unconscious over hers as he tried to protect her from the truck before she passed out.

Wait a minute. I may not know law, but did Deveron serve time as a minor for causing the accident? I'd ask someone about attempt to cause vehicle manslaughter, but now this is sort of becoming not believable. I think it would be better if he tried to, I don't know, pull out a switch blade or a gun to hurt Nadia which caused Raven to get in the way to protect her. Certainly a car accident would be a bad thing, but Deveron can't be that stupid to speed in a student parking lot when there are other students that can be hit. Even when it was mostly empty, there are teachers around that would see that and call 911 or get a on campus police office to attempt to intervene the moment he started to speed his car in their general direction. Why didn't they attempt to leave the car? Why was Raven's car at her house? Wouldn't it make sense for her car to be at her house, and their in his car? You have to make this believe able, or realistic as some say. We the readers have to believe what we read is true. The moment we start questioning the rational thoughts of the characters and the believability of what is going on, you, the writer, are losing us.

Quote:

"Ouch! What's gotten in to you Nadia? I was just joking, jeez," he said.

"Just leave me alone Deveron. Goodnight. I'm going home now," Nadia said, walking out of the coffee shop and to her 1986 black Firebird. She opened the driver side door, slipping into the driver seat to take off the three inch high heeled boots she had put on for tonight’s meeting which never seemed to have taken place. She sighed in disappointment. Nadia was so looking forward to meeting up with Raven since she hadn’t seen him in so many years.

Just a few punctuation here and there. Very few suggestions of words here. Just remember that you have to spell out your numbers.

Overall sum:
This needs work. It's still a good start, but that accident part needs work. I can't see someone doing that in a parking lot. Now, if he was waiting for them on a side road that she always took with Raven in the car, then I can believe when he hits them from the side and ran off. A simple hit-and-run. The whole parking lot accident threw me off. Try finding somewhere else where he can hit them with his truck, or find other options for them getting so injured they miss out half a semester. Try to find a reasonable accident, research possible car accidents involving hit-and-runs, and what's the possibility of them happening in a parking lot.

Since she was waiting for Raven, I just replace "old friend" with his name. He's her old boyfriend, not an old friend. How old is Nadia? Is she twenty-three and in college? Perhaps since I'm seeing a beginning (or a middle) part of the story, I cannot tell other than what you're giving me. But I'm sure, in time, you'll figure out the rest. I'm glad you're re-vamp improved from the original. ^^ Keep on improving! I'm sure in time you'll have a work you can be proud of.

Have a pleasant day/eve/morning and keep on writing.
thank you for the suggestions i was trying to figure out how to work the accident part thats what came to mind while i was typing.
thou im having a little trouble with the next part of it with y Raven didnt show up for the meeting/date/ what ever you wanna call it. still cant come up with a reason care to help?

[Clemence Amorette]

Jaymis

thank you for the suggestions i was trying to figure out how to work the accident part thats what came to mind while i was typing.
thou im having a little trouble with the next part of it with y Raven didnt show up for the meeting/date/ what ever you wanna call it. still cant come up with a reason care to help?

No problem dear, glad the suggestions were helpful. ^.^ There can be a number of reasons since they're adults now. My examples are sort of based on what some people might say in real life if they missed meeting up with someone.

Some explanations could be:
His boss wouldn't let him leave early.
He was doing something and forgot to check the time which resulted in him completely missing the time set for the get together.
He could have been at his parent's place visiting and had to come up with a valid cover up so they didn't know it was Nadia he was meeting.
Perhaps he had an emergency with one of his friends/co-workers and had to rush them to the hospital.
Napped far too long.
His car had a flat or needed to be towed.
Got stuck with being at an event/gathering because someone couldn't make it. (More like a job thing)
Forced to go on a date even though he already had one. (Like some woman who really likes him that is pushy, and forces him to take her to the movies or out to eat. That sort of situation)

xox Man, there are multiple ways for him to not show up depending on how you have him set in the present time. So I guess depending on his occupation and his social circle will influence the reasons as to why he wasn't there. If you know what he does for a living (his job) and who he socialize with (his friends, family, co-workers, etc.) then you can factor that in for excuses for why he couldn't show up.