Nadia's Story (To be retitled)

[Jaymis]

She sat at a table, a paper coffee cup in front of her, half empty. her long brown hair was pulled up in a high pony tail so she could show off her new silver hoop earrings that she had bought earlier that day for this get together. she also put on makeup before heading to the coffee shop to meet up with an old friend she hadn't seen in many years. She wanted to look her best to see him, and she was very nervous. She had dressed up in her best clothes, a low cut light blue t-shirt and a pair of black flared jeans. She wore her high heeled boots out as well remembering that he liked those boots on her. She was supposed to meet an old friend here tonight, she was looking forward to seeing him again it had been going on five years since she saw him last. She never even got to say good bye, he had been in a horrific accident with her, and he had been knocked out and so had she been. When she woke up she was in a different hospital then him and they wouldn’t give her any details on how he was doing. She never saw him after that day his parents banned her from seeing him while he recovered and wouldn’t give him any of her messages when she called to talk to him.

[IXXiceXXI]

u need to add space between the paragraphs and dialogues and some of your sentences are broken to briefly, so the imagery is choppy and fragmented. make your sentences run smooth you and do this by using commas, hyphens colons etc.

[Jaymis]

IXXiceXXI

u need to add space between the paragraphs and dialogues and some of your sentences are broken to briefly, so the imagery is choppy and fragmented. make your sentences run smooth you and do this by using commas, hyphens colons etc.

thanks for the tips this is just me typing and not really paying attention to my writing lol

[IXXiceXXI]

Jaymis

IXXiceXXI

u need to add space between the paragraphs and dialogues and some of your sentences are broken to briefly, so the imagery is choppy and fragmented. make your sentences run smooth you and do this by using commas, hyphens colons etc.

thanks for the tips this is just me typing and not really paying attention to my writing lol

K want to help me out a little?

[Jaymis]

IXXiceXXI

Jaymis

IXXiceXXI

u need to add space between the paragraphs and dialogues and some of your sentences are broken to briefly, so the imagery is choppy and fragmented. make your sentences run smooth you and do this by using commas, hyphens colons etc.

thanks for the tips this is just me typing and not really paying attention to my writing lol

K want to help me out a little?

love the help thanks for the offer

[Clemence Amorette]

Ice already stated this, but I'll regurgitate what was said.

You need to hit that enter key when you paragraph. Also, if you're typing as you go, why aren't you just putting this in a word document? Or at the most, save it in some sort of writing software to have and figure out when sections will be updated. I, for one, refuse to read a wall of text. It's not exactly flattering, nor is it good on the eyes. If I have to strain my own eyes to see where one sentence ends and the other begins, I'm not gonna bother to read it. Fix it, ASAP.

I glanced at the message machine playing section. You do realize that you could break that with a sentence, stating that the machine beeped to go to the next message. Another thing that I saw while glancing over was you use numbers. I mean 3 instead of three. You're suppose to spell anything under 100 out, that's a given rule. Last thing I'll say is you and the shift key need to make up, stat. Capitalize the words correct, and don't abuse the ellipses because you feel like it works best.

It may sound harsh, but I'm blunt when it comes to these things. Nothing against you personally; a critique is a critique, and I'm only doing it to help you improve your writing. Many of luck to you in writing, and when you do fix the spacing issue I'll be back to give my thoughts on the story itself.

Have a pleasant day/eve/morning.

[Jaymis]

Clemence Amorette

Ice already stated this, but I'll regurgitate what was said.

You need to hit that enter key when you paragraph. Also, if you're typing as you go, why aren't you just putting this in a word document? Or at the most, save it in some sort of writing software to have and figure out when sections will be updated. I, for one, refuse to read a wall of text. It's not exactly flattering, nor is it good on the eyes. If I have to strain my own eyes to see where one sentence ends and the other begins, I'm not gonna bother to read it. Fix it, ASAP.

I glanced at the message machine playing section. You do realize that you could break that with a sentence, stating that the machine beeped to go to the next message. Another thing that I saw while glancing over was you use numbers. I mean 3 instead of three. You're suppose to spell anything under 100 out, that's a given rule. Last thing I'll say is you and the shift key need to make up, stat. Capitalize the words correct, and don't abuse the ellipses because you feel like it works best.

It may sound harsh, but I'm blunt when it comes to these things. Nothing against you personally; a critique is a critique, and I'm only doing it to help you improve your writing. Many of luck to you in writing, and when you do fix the spacing issue I'll be back to give my thoughts on the story itself.

Have a pleasant day/eve/morning.

thanks for the critique ill fix it soon when i get the time to

[Usurper Of Thrones]

I've only read the intro but I already found something wrong with the plot. If you bumped into an old friend that you haven't spoken to in five years, why would you decide to go to a club to get reacquainted? The music's too loud.

Also, they don't serve coffee in nightclubs.