Welcome to Gaia! ::

So what do you think?

Great 0.28308823529412 28.3% [ 77 ]
Good 0.22794117647059 22.8% [ 62 ]
Okay 0.18382352941176 18.4% [ 50 ]
Needs work. 0.21691176470588 21.7% [ 59 ]
Bad 0.088235294117647 8.8% [ 24 ]
Total Votes:[ 272 ]
< 1 2 ... 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... 45 46 47 > >>
shyguy22o
May i ask was that from a personal experience? I mean, is this you venting out at your teacher? lol. Joking. Anyway, its nice to read, though the time will be hard to change, since if you change that, you will have to add more stuff and then you'll lose the flow, which is good already. I suggest take the time out altogether. The swearing is nice, but the story is like parental 13, i want it published, but will it have a chance with those words?

Un lang...Tagalog for "that's all." biggrin


Lol, wow. Oh and thank you!
How old is this waiter (your answer will influence my next question)?

Good addition. Poor waiter. Maybe next time he'll stun with a cattle prod to make her stay still. It worked in Casino.
Marshall Turner
How old is this waiter (your answer will influence my next question)?

Good addition. Poor waiter. Maybe next time he'll stun with a cattle prod to make her stay still. It worked in Casino.


In the next part of the chapter you'll find out that he's in high school. Lol, wow.
As always I liked it lol smile . I'm waiting 2 see how the story's going 2 turn out. Keep writing because it's really good so far. biggrin
It's good, but I seriously expected the waiter to be in her room when she came home. ^-^ Please continue! I'm seeing a very steady decrease in grammatical errors. Nice!
wow poor waiter..... but that would be creepy if someone said "dont u remember me?" lol
mattmagician's avatar

Lonely Nerd

9,200 Points
  • Friendly 100
  • Forum Sophomore 300
  • Dressed Up 200
Awesome story! Cant wait to read more!
hmm i wonder what was in the bag... and geez 3 bux is a huge tip for somethin thats only 6.50! wow geez i hope i read that right...
*looks over at Green Tai Chi* *gives a "thumbs up"* smile
*reads end of chapter 2*

*looks up and Green Tea Chi*

*sniffles*

crying

Me Korean!

----------


But then again. This story is awsome, I want to know what happens~!! Keep at it! ^^
Thanks angebabe18, yeah I'll try and post more of it soon... try to anyway. It's not that I'm lazy it's just that I'm too busy.

Thanks cherry144, oh wow lol. That would be creepy if that waiter was in her room. ^^

Thanks Akarui, yeah poor waiter... oh well lol! However don't worry he has a part in this story then just being a waiter she meet at the resturant.

Thanks mattmagician! Lol.

Thanks Godzilla8tokyo, you'll find out in another upcoming chapter. Really, oh well.... it really isn't her money anyways. It's her mom's.

Thanks Daulcipher, lol.

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry qx Ang3l xp! Please don't take it personal... I'm writing this in Maria's point of view. Really, thanks! ^^
In chapter one I noticed with this sentence:

I wanted so bad to say shut the hell up but I couldn’t everybody was staring at me after all.

It seems too rushed, something like:

I wanted so badly to tell her to shut the hell up but obviously I couldn't, everybody was staring at me after all.

seems like a better alternative imo.
Another thing~ [I like this story btw, don't like Maria though, the evil a**s]

'I quickly walked to the table where Emily was sitting at. I sat down in front of her, taking a bite of my sandwich and took a bite of it, savoring the food.'

This is a typing error, thought I'd point it out. She takes a bite of her sandwich and then takes a bite of it...lolwut? Also, I think it should say 'where Emily was sitting', not 'sitting at'.

'I putted down my sandwich and interrupted her.'

put*
More corrections desu~

I closed my eyes and surprising fell asleep.

surprisingly*

“Mom, what the hell are you doing in my room? And why are you here, aren’t you suppose to be at work?”

supposed*

:]
HmmI think you shouldn't be so...oh, I don't know how to say it...boring with you sentences.

For instance:

I looked at the clock. I frowned. I was hungry. There was one minutle left.

Maybe you could combine sentences to for long, interesting ones, like:

I frowned as I looked at the clock; there was one minute left and I was starving.

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games