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Great 0.28308823529412 28.3% [ 77 ]
Good 0.22794117647059 22.8% [ 62 ]
Okay 0.18382352941176 18.4% [ 50 ]
Needs work. 0.21691176470588 21.7% [ 59 ]
Bad 0.088235294117647 8.8% [ 24 ]
Total Votes:[ 272 ]
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enchantedsleeper
Haha! The third paragraph was really funny, and clever too. I'd never dare to say that to a teacher xD

You could reduce some of the repetition caused by her constant glances at the clock by shortening some of the sentences in which she does so, for example, "I looked over at the clock. It was five more minutes to lunch time." could be shortened to just "Five more minutes to lunch time." since it's obvious she would have looked at the clock in order to know that. I like her bitchy character, but I think that her disliking her own best friend overdoes it a bit; we've already absorbed a lot of bitchiness in this short amount of text, and that just seems to be too much. If you still want to keep it in I would suggest putting it in later; maybe have Emily chastise her about talking back to the teacher and have her wonder then why they're best friends?

Do you think you could possibly comment me back? :3 This is my story.


Your right I should write more about Maria and Emily's relationship. Thanks.
The rest of chapter one.

As I was walking down the hallway to the cafeteria. Shawn came up to me and said, ”Wait Maria, you’re supposed to stay after.” Wow, he actually came up to me; I guess he’s not afraid of me. I shrugged and pushed him aside. He hit the wall and his glasses fell down. He is such a loser. I bent down and got his glasses.

“Tell Mrs. Baker about this and I will hurt you.” I threw his glasses at him and he caught them. I then continued walking down the hall to the cafeteria. When I got to it I went to Emily's table. I put my stuff down and then Emily looked up at me.

She then said, “Maria, did you even listen to me? I keep telling you to apologize to Shawn. Was it that hard to say it?” I smirked. I have never seen Emily lose her cool in the three years I have known her. “We are in tenth grade now, don’t you think we should act a little more like responsible adults.” Heh. Emily has been a honor student since we been in high school and since then she is always talking like she’s a adult.

She was about to say some more but I didn’t want to hear anymore of her bull. “Shut up and listen! Look after my stuff and we will talk when I come back.” I yelled at her. She nodded and then looked down. Good. I went to the lunch line and skip some of the people to get near the front of the line. As I was skipping a guy pushed me back. “Hey what the hell, move your a**!”

He turned and said, “Who the ******** do you think you are!” What! Who does he think he is! Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I wouldn’t whip your a**. I started to take off my earrings and my rings and put them in my pockets. Just in case. I glared at him and then all of a sudden someone touched my shoulders and pulled me back. I turned around and saw that a guy was pulling me back. I slapped his hand away.

“Don’t ******** touch me!” I pushed him and turned around to the other guy but he was gone. Heh. I smirked and took his spot. The person behind me didn’t mind, I guess because they didn’t do anything. I put back my earrings and rings. The choices were roast chicken, pizza, or a ham and cheese sandwich. With these choices you got fries, well expect for the roast chicken, you got a lousy bun with that.

“I want the ham and cheese.” The lunch lady gave it to me; I also got some green beans and an apple. I quickly walked to the table where Emily was sitting at. I sat down in front of her, taking a bite of my sandwich and took a bite of it, savoring the food.

“Maria…. are we friends?” Emily said it like she was depressed. Yeah right. Like hell. For a smart person she sure is clueless in relationships. I bet she'll still be a virgin when she’s like thirty or forty or even worse fifty. Heh. I smirked and picked up a fry. “Maria?” She said it like she was crying. I looked up and she was; tears were falling down her cheeks. I grinned and munched on my sandwich and shrugged. “Maria, I’m sorry but I just can’t deal with your stubbornness and selfishness anymore. I tried, I really tried, but now I just can’t. We are not friends any-” I laughed loudly and almost choked on my sandwich.

I putted down my sandwich and interrupted her. “Please Emily! We were never friends. Open your eyes, I was just using you. What took you so long.” I picked up another fry and chewed on that for a bit. “I don’t need you anymore. You can go and get yourself some nerdy friends now maybe you can hang out with Shawn while you’re at it!” I laughed and continued,” I heard he needs a girlfriend too.” Emily got her stuff quickly and ran out the cafeteria crying. I grinned. I don’t need her anymore. I don’t need anyone.

The end of chapter one. I'll tell more of Emily and Maria's relationship in another chapter that's into the story.
that's so sad i know how emily feels i have had people do that to me too

Eloquent Explorer

The first few paragraphs, corrected for grammar ^^:

Quote:
As I was walking down the hallway to the cafeteria, Shawn came up to me and said, ”Wait Maria, you’re supposed to stay after.” Wow, he actually came up to me; I guess he’s not afraid of me. I shrugged and pushed him aside. He hit the wall and his glasses fell down. He is such a loser. I bent down and got his glasses.

“Tell Mrs. Baker about this and I will hurt you.” I threw his glasses at him and he caught them. I then continued walking down the hall to the cafeteria. When I got to it I went to Emily's table. I put my stuff down and then Emily looked up at me.

She then said, “Maria, did you even listen to me? I keep telling you to apologize to Shawn. Was it that hard to say it?” I smirked. I have never seen Emily lose her cool in the three years I have known her. “We are in tenth grade now, don’t you think we should act a little more like responsible adults.” Heh. Emily has been a honor student since we been in high school and since then she is always talking like she’s a adult.

She was about to say some more but I didn’t want to hear anymore of her bull. “Shut up and listen! Look after my stuff and we will talk when I come back.” I yelled at her. She nodded and then looked down. Good. I went to the lunch line and skip some of the people to get near the front of the line. As I was skipping a guy pushed me back. “Hey what the hell, move your a**!”

Eloquent Explorer

Next few xD

Quote:
“Don’t ******** touch me!” I pushed him and turned around to the other guy but he was gone. Heh. I smirked and took his place. The person behind me didn’t mind, I guess because they didn’t do anything. I put back my earrings and rings. The choices were roast chicken, pizza, or a ham and cheese sandwich. With these choices you got fries, well expect for the roast chicken; you got a lousy bun with that.

“I want the ham and cheese sandwich.” The lunch lady gave it to me; I also got some green beans and an apple. I quickly walked to the table where Emily was sitting. I sat down in front of her, taking a bite of my sandwich, savoring the food.

“Maria… are we friends?” Emily said it like she was depressed. Yeah right. Like hell. For a smart person she sure is clueless in relationships. I bet she'll still be a virgin when she’s like thirty or forty or even worse fifty. Heh. I smirked and picked up a fry. “Maria?” She said it like she was crying. I looked up and she was; tears were falling down her cheeks. I grinned and munched on my sandwich and shrugged. “Maria, I’m sorry but I just can’t deal with your stubbornness and selfishness anymore. I tried, I really tried, but now I just can’t. We are not friends any-” I laughed loudly and almost choked on my sandwich.


I hope this was helpful! I would recommend taking out the 'and I got it' after 'the lunch lady gave it to me' because you don't need to say both. (I took it out in the above quotation x3) I also joined a couple of sentences together with semicolons or reworded a couple to make longer sentences, so that it reads less haltingly. They're just suggestions of course ^^

I'm enjoying this, hope you post more soon =D
Good Lord, I am trying so hard to understand Maria, but so far as I can see, she's just an immature, disrespectful, roughneck b***h. I see a lot of Holden Caulfield in this silly girl, and I'm sure as the story progresses we'll understand what's causing her unsympathetic behavior. As for now, I really can not stand Maria.

Your story is well written, with only a few grammar mistakes. The first person narrative is handled pretty well.

I'll read more when you post more, but I hope that I get to know more about Maria; she can't just be a b***h.
Maria does seem to be a lot meaner as the story goes on and if she has a good side I really don't see it but I can't wait to read more and find out more about her as the story continues.
Thanks, Marshall Turner. Lol, I was waiting for someone to say that they can't stand Maria. Thanks for the comments about my story and how it is well written and the first person being handled well. Major happy points!

Angebabe18: Thanks for commenting. Yeah well it's just the start of my story.
I think it's good, but Maria can't be evil completely with a sultry name like Maria, that's what i would think. But then you'd have to re-write the whole story and I don't want you to do that...I think there's something good in it to be revealed later on. For now, Maria is just a bad girl who does evil things and doesn't take no for a nanswer. Not the most favored--or original--combination of personalities. What has made her this way? Did something ahppen to her when she as young or is it merely the act of the author (you)?

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I feel as though your character is a Mary Sue--she is the perfect "bad girl". I may be wrong, it's happened quite a few times before, but I feel very strongly that she should be given a reason for her attitude besides you thought it was cool or something.

Despite all that negativeness, i could vividly play the story in my head thanks to imagery and attitude. I liked it. *subscribes to thread* Looking forward to what you'll do in the future chapters!
Hey Green Tea! well, I think it was pretty well done. There are some run ons though. Like when the teach tells her not to bang her head on her desk...(I thought that was funny) anyways. Ive finally read one of ur stories! YAY! Im going to have to work on mine. . . ^^

Eloquent Phantom

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Beginnings. Beginnings. Beginnings.

I’m terrible at them. My editor likes to tell me this every time she sits down to work with me on a chapter. This is the time thou really have to be on the ball to catch the attention of the reader.

Quote:
I looked up at Mrs. Baker, my reading teacher, who was looking at Shawn as he was reading out loud a story from our reading book.

Missing a comma after “teacher,” I think, mostly because “my reading teacher” is an aside that describes Mrs. Baker.

The whole “looked… looked” thing seems a more than a little repetitive. Thou might find another way to show us how the narrator is bored.

Quote:
“Maria, stop banging your head on your desk! Everyday you come to my class and bang your head on your desk and I am absolutely tired of it. Also you were terribly rude to Shawn as he was reading. Apologize to him now.” Mrs. Baker said angrily.

The “angrily” is really superfluous—as a reader I was pretty much aware she was angry.

(More “looking” going on…and again.) …and another superfluous adverb in the form of “impatiently.”

I would suggest being a lot more spare with those; adverbs really weight down prose, they’re a heavy-handed mechanic and thou should only really be using them when the style is getting to light-headed and is floating away. Right now it’s been smashed flat.

Ah, well that’s all I have time for at the moment. However, working out these issues will help thee get time at the more nitty-gritty core of actually writing the story for the readers.
Thanks Hawthorne! I'll fix it up as soon as I can.

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after that i really want to kick Maria's a** ^_^ i noticied that you had some grammar errors but i think the other people fixed them for you ^_^
elementalgods3
after that i really want to kick Maria's a** ^_^ i noticied that you had some grammar errors but i think the other people fixed them for you ^_^


Lol, thanks for commenting.

Eloquent Explorer

*waves up at Hawthorne*

How's it going? ^^ I just finished writing chapter 2 and have posted it up both here and on dA biggrin I'm looking forward to the next part of this!

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