Looking for a Critique Please?

[Ura Omote Lover]

Hello, I posted in this forum once before with the same part of a story that I am about to post now. After receiving some tips on how to fix it up a bit I rewrote it and am now coming back to you all to see if I have improved at all, or if what I've written is okay. So um... yeah, here it is: (next post please~)

[Ura Omote Lover]

The young woman was in a hurry; her boss wanted 17 in his office immediately. But since secrecy was held at such a high standard in the company, the young woman found herself lost in the maze of hallways… once again. Occasionally she would trip over a box or two, since most of the main company was just starting to move into this new building. Most weren't unpacked yet, or just didn't know what to do with the boxes that were leftover from the move, so they just left them stranded in the middle of the hallway. Which made navigation for her no easier.

Making a sharp right, she found that she had reached yet another dead-end. The boss liked the building for this; it's many dead ends made finding any one person's office much more complicated. But at this point, she was quite fed up with them. How is anyone, the young woman thought angrily, Supposed to be able to find anyone when there are all these completely random dead ends every which way you turn? Spinning on her heels to try and locate another possible hallway, she ran straight into a tall figure with broad shoulders. The darkness of the hallway made it difficult for her to identify whom it was but she could tell that the person was male. She could vaguely see the person smile. "Alona! Why are you wandering around the hallways all by yourself? In darkness?" the man's voice was deep, yet oddly smooth, like rich dark chocolate. His hand felt for a light switch and after locating one his hand flicked it on. In the now dimly lit hallway she could make out the distinct features of the man she was looking for. "17!" She cried, greatly relieved that... well... he found her so she could stop making the boss wait. "Honey," she said, calling him by his "pet" name. "The boss wants to see you in his office, straight away." She pushed a stray hair back from her face. "And no dawdling. He’ll have a fit; you’re already late enough as it is. Plus, he's in one of his moods." Alona's voice was all too similar to a mother's - shooing off her child to his first day of school. But 17 took no heed to her words, merely chuckling, that sweet yet somewhat mysterious chuckle of his. "Oh Alona, you worry much too much." he said evenly, flashing a smile. "You know that he'll never punish me for being a minute or two late." Though she wanted to scold him for being so laid back, that smile almost seemed to force her to smile back. She could never stay mad at him for over a few minutes, it just wasn't possible. Besides, he did have a point. The boss never punished 17. He was his most obedient spy.

Just as she was about to reply, a pathway opened in the left wall and another woman stepped out. Her hair was as black as midnight with many multiple colored streaks. She stood only a bit taller than Alona, but that was mainly because of her 3 inch heels that made an annoying click clack as she strutted over to the pair. "16." Alona said with her teeth slightly clenched. It was all she could do to keep from becoming angry; she wasn't too fond of 16. She annoyed her to put it mildly. "Hello 17. And look, Alona’s with you too, darling" she smiled smugly and batted her eyelashes flirtatiously in 17’s direction. Her voice was sugary, dripping with a fake sweetness that only Alona seemed to catch. 17 didn't seem to notice and if he did, he didn't let on that he did. "The boss was wondering where you were, babe, though he won’t mad at little Alona for holding you up." 16 sent a glare in Alona's direction, who returned the glare gladly. It was silent for a couple of seconds before 16 spoke again. "Anyway, as much as I'd love to stay, today's my day for griffin training. And sadly, the little beasts can't train themselves. Get to the boss hon, or else we’re all in big trouble." Walking up to 17 she kissed his cheek, then sent a smirk in Alona's direction before disappearing into the wall, opposite from which she came.

Feeling the smile plastered onto her face twitch in irritation, Alona turned her attention back to 17 whose hands were in his pockets. He seemed to take no thought to that kiss on the cheek which almost made her blood boil. Almost. "Well... I guess I'll see you later 17." she mumbled. She began walked around him but he caught her wrist which stopped her in her tracks. "That's Honey to you." he smiled, tweaking her nose playfully then walking down the hallway, leaving Alona a bit stunned. But within a few seconds she was smiling. 17 could take her worries away so easily. She walked down the hallway after him, but turned left instead of following him to the right. She still had work to do.

~~~

17 walked down the hall at a leisurely pace, not really concerned with getting to the boss's office. He had waited this long, surely he could wait a bit longer right?

When he finally made it to the large doors that lead to the boss's study, he could feel his shoulders tense up a bit. But he forced himself to relax. Running his slender fingers through his blond hair only to smooth it back down, 17 pushed the door open. The first push didn't move the heavy doors, but with another push they swung slowly, but surely, on it's rusted hinges. It resided with a bang onto the wall, leaving more than enough room for 17 to slip into the next hallway. Putting his hands in his pockets once more, he glanced at the door absently and it picked itself up from the wall and closed itself with a soft bang. If you looked closely at his honey-colored eyes you could see a faint green light slowly residing within his irises. Turning his head, he walked straight ahead to the awaiting curtain that separated the boss's office from the hallway that lead to it.

Inside the office were many precious stones and jewels that were apart of an immense collection that the boss had. Only the rarest of the rare showed up in his office. Another curtain separated the boss from the rest of the office and whether he ever got from behind it, no one ever knows. But, even with the curtain illuminating most off the details about the man, you could still tell that he was rather portly. Sitting up and breathing heavily the man known as "the boss" seemed to study 17, as if collecting his thoughts. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke. "You do realize that the search for the Aquarius's Creed has gone nowhere in the last 3 months?" That was it. No greeting, no questioning of where 17 had been. Only straight to the point; to the problem at hand.

"Yes, I know." 17 sounded bored. Had the boss really called him all the way down to his office to tell him something he already knew? Wandering over to one of the many windows, 17 picked up a skull with rubies for eyes. It fit snugly into the palm of his hand. "Sir... I'm starting to wonder--"
"17. What have I told you about wondering?" the boss asked. His voice was stern but 17 paid no mind. "I know, I know, but I was just thinking... what if we're going about this whole search in the wrong way?" The boss snorted, earning the hidden man a glare from 17. "It's not funny, I'm serious. What if we need to start looking for Evening Star herself, instead of the Aquarius Creed." The skull that was in his hand slowly disintegrated down to ashes in his palm. Though it seemed random, you could tell that it was 17's doing. His eyes were glowing green once again, just as they did at the door. But the light died down leaving his eyes once again at their mysterious honey color. "The only way I would believe you is if you had a lead." This comment made 17 smirk. This was the remark he had been waiting for. "I do have a lead. But... I'm not going to tell you.” he added with a mysterious smirk, stopping the boss from asking a question. "This way, if I'm wrong, you won't be… let down." He added the last few words as if that was the last thing that would happen, making the boss sigh. "Very well then 17. I'll give you 4 to use. Do not fail me." As he said this, a young girl with angel-like wings ran into the room and hugged 17. Since 17 was quite tall, the girl could only reach up to his legs but this made her happy. Her wings fluttered a bit and then she flew up and landed on 17's now outstretched arm. With a mysterious chuckle, 17 turned to leave. "I'm not promising anything." And with that remark, he left, the young girl whom one could guess as 4 perched on his arm like a bird. When the pair reached the door, they vanished into thin air.

With a sigh, the boss laid back down again. Though he was breathing heavily from sitting up for so long he was hoping that 17 did have a lead.

[Maltese_Falcon91]

It's pretty easy to follow, and I didn't notice any obvious grammatical errors. I think the biggest problem is that there's just not a whole lot to attract the reader's attention. The first section, about the young woman really isn't necessarily, all the important exposition could have been condensed into a single paragraph.

If this is supposed to be some sort of Paranormal Spy Thriller, then you could always try to find a more dynamic way to introduce these characters. It doesn't have to be an action packed scene or anything, but you could set up some tension, and give the reader a glimpse of what's at stake.

[krotius]

I'm not going to try and tell you how to write, but it's almost painfully obvious that when you're describing objects, features, and events, some of your choices in adjectives and adverbs--by which I mean that your use of "rather," "quite," "portly," etc. sound a bit contrived and stilted. I know that sounds harsh, and I sympathize if you're looking for your own devices to express your voice uniquely, but trust me, they're unnecessary, and it comes off like you're trying too hard. Also, the excerpt is actually riddled with grammatical errors, from misused prepositional phrases to neglected modes of active person. I'm not going to go over them all with you, but I'd highly recommend two books for that will change how you write for the better:
Torn Wings and Faux Pas is entirely apt for the majority of young writers uncertain when navigating a lot of the murkier parts of the english language, and
The Elements of Style should become your bible. As you grow as a writer, don't be afraid to ignore some of its more prescriptivist rules, but it will drastically aid you in any areas of grammar, syntax, and uncommon speech that you may encounter or struggle with.
Aside from that, for a few paragraphs, your content is intriguing. Personally it doesn't quite sound like a story I'd be very interested in to read entirely, but I'm assuming you're drawing on a lot of elements from fanfics, manga, or video games--sorry if I'm assuming wrong.
Anyway, best of luck and I hope this didn't come off too abrasively; but to be entirely honest and blunt, if you want to write for others as well as yourself, there's just a few things to improve upon--like any writer!