[Legends of E t e r r a] :: CH. 16 HAS ARRIVED.

[Jellybean Disaster]

LOLNO Read chapter 6 and allll will be clearrrrrr.

I don't want to write chapter 7 yet until I've heard what you have to say about 6, both plot/stylistically wise. At least THAT way I can write a chapter and get the hang of doing telling, not showing, limiting inner-Elle monologue and eliminating unnecessary crap.

SO THANKS BB. : D

[Serenity Reed]

Is this like the time that I assumed Fen exploded dragonflies because of the sound effect 'bzzt'? #EarthfireReference

Okay~ I started it (three hours ago), so it should be like, 7 HOURS FROM NOW.

8D

[Jellybean Disaster]

Gaha~

Once I start on something it's hard for me to get distracted...I think mostly because I hate being interrupted when I'm working on a project, or something. XD

[Serenity Reed]

MY BRAIN is succinct and easily distracted. I'm pretty sure it shows.

[Jellybean Disaster]

Alright~

I shall let you work on the review! : O !

[Jellybean Disaster]

doop-pa-doop

*does a jig*

[Jellybean Disaster]

Oooh my gooood. The bottom of your foot is the WORST PLACE to get a mosquito bite ;__;

[Serenity Reed]

Those first three sentences are pretty much the exact same thoughts rehashed. That's what I mean by keep it simple; only say what is necessary. Don't try to make it better or longer, or you'll repeat yourself.

"which was she turned" Which way.
Oh man. I'm really starting to feel sorry for Elle. =( I am sadface.

What? She has no real reason to care for Chousa in the slightest! He barely talks to her! He barely does anything! I've no real reason to even care about Chousa, with exception to his plot importance. In fact, he's rude and mean!
JERK CHOUSA. >B/

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. Get OVER yourselves! You're like Ser and Ian, without the actual 'I know you really well' part! UGH
You know what I think? Elle should have run, and found the root herself. She has no reason to trust Chousa. He killed people; he agreed to send the meteor. Elle should have high tailed it out of there, and then they could have explored actual trust and understanding. =/ Just, right now, it doesn't work for me.

So the tree that killed my parents says 'no u'?
This could be much more dramatic.
NAKED CHOUSA WATCH ftw or wtf? What a cliche.
Checkin' out Chousa. Elle, you perv.

HOW OLD IS HE
HIS AGE IS KILLING ME
His height is also a mystery.

I fixed it for you

The unsightly scar that Elle had discovered on his back was also present on his front. It was a huge scar that spanned across his right pectoral, almost identical to the one on his back. Elle’s voice failed her mid-sentence at the sight of Chousa’s chest. Slowly, her eyes trailed down his side. Chousa waded through the water towards Elle’s unmoving form.

Elle, however, was not focused on Chousa’s apology. Because she was focused on his anatomy, amirite?
Anyway, it's a bit too much of a jump. Elle doesn't know enough to come to this conclusion. And since we know only what she does, this is way too far of a jump. I'd never have guessed, and I'd never know WHICH prince. As far as Elle knows, the story of the prince is only a story. There's no way she would have guessed that connection. She knows NOTHING. And how would she guess that the murderous prince had a brother...? *Had to look at the glossary for that*

Possessive 'it' is 'its'. 'It's' means 'it is', no exceptions.

Oh God, the cliches. Red eyes take warning? Evil albino? White Haired pretty boy?
'smarmy' You did not really just use that word. XD
'The man raised his eyes in surprised.' I take it back. This is the best line.

"Furiously, the king rose to his feet, outraged by Orion’s last sentence." Listen, I'm pretty sure throwing wine glasses and stuff is enough to tell me he's outraged. =/ Take some advice from Stephen King: Remove all adverbs. Don't describe how people did things; it weakens their actions. Things like 'boredly' and 'angrily'.
Lol Orion
Ashurei = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WADWeHJFzFw

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Okay. There's a lot more jumping around than usual here--or jumping too far on too little. I feel like there's not enough build for what should be important revelations. =/ The potential is squandered.

An idea: What if it started with Elle going into the crater to explore with Max, and Max finds the mirror? It would be a lot more interesting, I think.

[Jellybean Disaster]

Serenity Reed

Those first three sentences are pretty much the exact same thoughts rehashed. That's what I mean by keep it simple; only say what is necessary. Don't try to make it better or longer, or you'll repeat yourself.

"which was she turned" Which way.
Oh man. I'm really starting to feel sorry for Elle. =( I am sadface.

Yeah, getting swept up in a new world where no one knows you kinda sucks. : (

Serenity Reed

What? She has no real reason to care for Chousa in the slightest! He barely talks to her! He barely does anything! I've no real reason to even care about Chousa, with exception to his plot importance. In fact, he's rude and mean!
JERK CHOUSA. >B/

He is, but I guess that's what happens when your brother murders your entire family and then tries to kill you? D8 Yeah, he still has 0 personality.

Serenity Reed

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. Get OVER yourselves! You're like Ser and Ian, without the actual 'I know you really well' part! UGH
You know what I think? Elle should have run, and found the root herself. She has no reason to trust Chousa. He killed people; he agreed to send the meteor. Elle should have high tailed it out of there, and then they could have explored actual trust and understanding. =/ Just, right now, it doesn't work for me.

Yeah, unrealistic, I know. : ( But Chousa seemed to be the one who knew everything and was going to get her back home. I think one of my fears is being alone in a place I know nothing about, so I think Elle feels the same, regardless things that happened by proxy to Albion.

Serenity Reed

So the tree that killed my parents says 'no u'?
This could be much more dramatic.

Which part? Nekkid Chousa or..?

Serenity Reed

NAKED CHOUSA WATCH ftw or wtf? What a cliche.
Checkin' out Chousa. Elle, you perv.

HOW OLD IS HE
HIS AGE IS KILLING ME
His height is also a mystery.

Probably should work on describing him more other than his awesome silver hair. ;_;

Serenity Reed

I fixed it for you

The unsightly scar that Elle had discovered on his back was also present on his front. It was a huge scar that spanned across his right pectoral, almost identical to the one on his back. Elle’s voice failed her mid-sentence at the sight of Chousa’s chest. Slowly, her eyes trailed down his side. Chousa waded through the water towards Elle’s unmoving form.

Elle, however, was not focused on Chousa’s apology. Because she was focused on his anatomy, amirite?
Anyway, it's a bit too much of a jump. Elle doesn't know enough to come to this conclusion. And since we know only what she does, this is way too far of a jump. I'd never have guessed, and I'd never know WHICH prince. As far as Elle knows, the story of the prince is only a story. There's no way she would have guessed that connection. She knows NOTHING. And how would she guess that the murderous prince had a brother...? *Had to look at the glossary for that*

Yeah, I thought on this for a while, and I wasn't sure whether or not to reveal it, but I figured that if I kept beating around the bush like this, the reader would just get frustrated and think OUT WITH IT ALREADY >: ( so I figured I would reveal it now. I thought maybe Chousa and Elle have a "heart to heart" which establishes OMG BONDING TIEMS but I have no clue. And I thinkkkkk Leni said something about it in chapter 4?

“Vientiallans. There was an uprising. The king was mercilessly overthrown. The rumor goes that the oldest prince killed his entire family in a violent rage, and as the only blood heir left to the throne, was made the king at only 16 years old. He has the blood of his mother, his father, and his younger brother on his hands. They were all brutally murdered. According to some of the stories, it was a gruesome execution. They believed it had something to do with the treasure that the royal family of Vientialla keeps.”

So I thought with this tidbit in conjunction with the several "WTF are you still doing alive!?" comments was enough for Elle to totally stop acting like a "brat" (if I'm even allowed to call her that?) and realize that his brother killed his entire family.

And I guess should make some stuff clear, since I know there's a line in chapter 5 that's a little misleading - no one actually died in the meteor crash. It just ruined a ton of lives and made it harder to live. When I said "lives that we lost..." was pretty much referring to the losing of lives that they should have lived, that is, without any fighting over financial woe, etc. I'll have to just omit that line completely.

Chousa had his entire life essentially taken from him...I don't know, if I was him, I'd act like a jerk to a girl who was being a complete sissy about mounting a horse. He didn't have a choice - they didn't mean to hit Earth, they just wanted to get it away from Eterra. So I think by knowing all of this, Elle sort of feels bad?

There is however the issue of her not knowing which prince. Maybe Yggdrisil gave her a divine vision! @_@ /lame

Serenity Reed

Oh God, the cliches. Red eyes take warning? Evil albino? White Haired pretty boy?
'smarmy' You did not really just use that word. XD

I like my cliches ;_;
BAAAAAAAAAAAW

Serenity Reed

'The man raised his eyes in surprised.' I take it back. This is the best line.

"Furiously, the king rose to his feet, outraged by Orion’s last sentence." Listen, I'm pretty sure throwing wine glasses and stuff is enough to tell me he's outraged. =/ Take some advice from Stephen King: Remove all adverbs. Don't describe how people did things; it weakens their actions. Things like 'boredly' and 'angrily'.

Yeah I think I was just getting caught up in movement, there.

Serenity Reed

Lol Orion
Ashurei = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WADWeHJFzFw

Orion is awesome. He's like the frustrated babysitter with a child throwing a tantrum.
Ashurei: http://pics.livejournal.com/e_f_i_n_i/pic/00001bdx

Serenity Reed

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Okay. There's a lot more jumping around than usual here--or jumping too far on too little. I feel like there's not enough build for what should be important revelations. =/ The potential is squandered.

An idea: What if it started with Elle going into the crater to explore with Max, and Max finds the mirror? It would be a lot more interesting, I think.

Damn, that IS a good idea. I think I'll take that, actually! : O !

And goddamn, I know, no build. ;_; I was totally fighting over whether or not to reveal it and I figured I would just get it out of the way. : I had such a good scene and I figured it would lead me to a srs bzns Chousa to Elle talk, but I have no clue.

SO PLOT WISE:
There is a new character I want to introduce, and I have no clue how to do it. Here is the run down:

Alexander Rinaldi is one of the "arbiters" with a witty, sarcastic, temper, but at some point or another he turns on the arbiters and joins up with Elle and Chousa. NO CLUE how to play this out.

[Serenity Reed]

Oh. Actually, I understand. Chousa is like Aria.
My problem is that Chousa's responses are blatantly uncaring, from the start. Never, at any point, does it really seem that he cares about anything aside from himself. Not even Leni. There isn't enough here, honestly, for me to think, oh, that makes sense that he would act that way. It just needs to be established that Chousa acts how he does for a reason. Until the point that any says 'Oh it's you', there is no inkling that Chousa is something special, or that he's depressed or anything. It makes me sad that we've discovered the reason before getting the symptoms. =( See? I am sadface.

I never got the feeling that Chousa could do it. He was just like a random kid. You need to show that Chousa understands, and that Elle can trust him. I don't see why she should. I understand what you're trying to do, but, like with Aria, simply establishing that she has a tragic past isn't enough.
I've got an idea. How about showing two conversations between Chousa and Elle? Expand the first conversation they have right after she wakes up, to clearly state that Chousa undertands what's going on and he'll help her. Show him running off with Elle wanting an explanation, and her annoyance as she speaks to Leni. Second, take the story of the prince and put it through Chousa's lips. His version will probably be a lot more sure than Leni's. Have him explain this while they ride. he could go into lots of detail. Lastly, have Chousa be a little more urgent about all of it. It's been ten years, and finally he's doing something, right? He should be way too excited to take Elle's crap.

The whole thing, but mostly the root part. Before he was shown nekkid, I kept wondering, 'Where'd Chousa go?' Which is why I'd prefer Elle to be at best untrusting, maybe even hostile, toward him. There's also little sense of danger--it's be nice if someone was in danger for once. =/

That's why hostility toward the king on Chousa's part would help connect him with that story. =3 Though Elle probably wouldn't notice at first, once others started noticing, she could piece it together that hostility=important guy.
And how is Elle a brat? She jumped up on the horse, didn't she? I mean, she's nothing compared to me and heights. I'll stall for half an hour before I go somewhere high, and then sit and sob because it was too high. You think SHE'S not 'brave' or something? I won't even stand on a chair! I would laugh at you if you told me to get on a horse.
Oh, I meant all of the random evil guys he's killed with great prejudice. =/ You stated before that the crater was in the middle of nowhere ish. But that line was confusing, yeah. =3

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Choh-sah is kind of hard for me to say. It keeps coming out 'Chow-sah'. XD

For SIGHT GAGS ONLY

You could just mention Alexander at some point, maybe being sarcastic toward Orion. 8U
And I don't really know what's next, so I can't really plan out appearances...

[Jellybean Disaster]

Yeah, I was thinking about assigning him on a mission of some sort from Orion, so that way we *gasp* meet Alexander.

Also, I was actually planning to do those conversations AFTER the big blow up smack-joo-in-the-face fight they had, so I'll see if maybe that salvages the situation a little bit. If not, then I'll just have to keep it in the back of my mind to go back through the chapters and change some stuff. YAY first drafts.

So, maybe I can have Elle just see the scar and then...not have Elle say anything? So all we're left with is the description of nekkid chousa + the scar? And if that's the case, then later the big reveal can come in a distant part of the story where Elle is kidnapped/meets Ashurei/Ashurei gives the devious deets on his plans for WORLD DOMINATION.

BUHHHH okay, thanks for the tips, as usua! <3 I will focus on showing, and Chousa being more realistic/not such a jerk/etc.

And um....hmm, danger? The part where one of the arbiters came in and murdered Retica wasn't urgent enough? D8 Here's a better question, and answer honestly:

What gets you to turn the page in excitement? What is something urgent to you?

[Jellybean Disaster]

I wish my other beta reader would come online, I have so much to ask her. ;_;

[Serenity Reed]

Hmm. It depends. I would attempt to use Ian as an example, because he has multiple reveals, but it doesn't really fit... As for Chousa, it really does depend. What would like? An on-going mystery? Or a bit more understanding for Chousa? I feel like sooner would be better, in order for Elle to understand a bit more. However, maybe she could see the scar, wonder, and then eventually realize that he's the prince--and go a while without confirmation of this. She does seem like the type to not say anything about it. And eventually it could be confirmed. I mean, I would like them to bond without the use of a plot device, even though going through certain situations can bond characters, ala Harry Potter. I'd say that's up to you, as is most of this.

Then again, it should be a shocking development, so you can't wait too long. It should be 'A ha!' not 'okay'. Like that Twilight review--it shouldn't have the little importance of telling where someone is from, it should be dramatic. So you can't wait too long, and chapter six seems like a good place to reveal it. But I don't know your plot, so I can't really help.

MUAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA WORLD DOMINATION!

I mean urgency all around. Before Retica, there was no real urgency behind Chousa. He just said 'we've gotta go'. So they went. ???

Elle and Chousa need to bond. They need to do it quickly. But they have to have a dramatic base rather than just... being there.

As for what makes me read, let's take the Glass Maker's Daughter into account again. Why did I hate the first 60 pages? Well, it hadn't gotten to the plot yet. They were just hanging around and being stupid, with little to no consequence or dramatic situation. So, what made me read 100 pages at once right after that? Risa was revealed not to be chosen, and freaks out. Her whole life is turned upside down, and she shows her true colors. I could relate to her spats with her father, and her attempts to create. It was the in trouble side of Risa that made me love the book. The complete rendering of her comfort zone made me actually care. Then, when she encounters the beggar and just lets him go without helping, I felt Risa was three dimensional. When she starts crying, hating herself, I loved her even more, and then even more when she proceeded to save the beggar. It was the development of her character, which developed because of her situation, that made me read for so many hours straight. =3 I didn't even care about the plot. I wanted to see Risa fight through it.

[Jellybean Disaster]

Hmm, alright. I think I have a sliiiight idea as to what to do now.

*type type type*

Where is Char? O.o;

[Serenity Reed]

Um, I think she has a life. Also, she's been hanging out in a different thread, mostly, probably because we've gone through 100 posts since she last posted. XD