Serenity Reed
Okay, CHAPTA FAHVE
A kingdom? Or a city...?
Oooh, so they're a COUPLE already?
"She thought of home the whole way." *proceeds to think of home*
It's what I do when I'm far away. ;_; Once I spent a year and half in Austin, and Chicago was all I could think about. : O
Serenity Reed
Suddenly Chousa dismounted. The movement was sudden, surprising her. Eh?
More telling here; it's really heavy starting with 'Chousa remembered'.
The descriptions seem a little weird; not sure why, but it seems like they haven't yet been put through the Elle filter. Ya see, there's a difference between how YOU would write and how Elle would.
Yeah, I should probably decide right now if this is going to be limited or omniscient...hence why I haven't gone forward yet. XD Elle filter, Elle filter, Elle filter. Gah, why am I having such a hard time with this?
Serenity Reed
"from with inside" 8O
The answering summon thing made me giggle.
"It's been ten years!" OLD MAN
The jumping suddenly from Elle to 'Chousa thought this' is way too sudden. =/ It would be nice to get Chousa's reactions in the narrative, instead of as an afterthought.
Hmm, gotcha. Hopefully I'll have more of that as the story progresses.
Serenity Reed
Every time you say something like 'Ellenore noted' I'm remind that this is a story. Remember, the Elle filter shouldn't need to have anyone note anything unless it is strictly verbal.
...Uh-oh, be prepared for chapter 6! XD
Serenity Reed
...The /mirror?/ I think I read this manga once. It was called MeruPuri.
Hmm, never heard of it. To be honest, I actually got one of the ideas from the old chinese legends that revolve around three talismans: A sword, a mirror, and an orb.
Serenity Reed
Telling, telling. Airi learned that her necklace was a mirror to another world when the prince went through it. Their surprise was on their faces, not "searching for words and trying to understand how that could be possible."
"Retica lowered the pendant and looked at Elle, his eyes were twinkling with astonishment." Comma splice.
Lol, mage fail. I am going 'ah' with the meteor, though.
He Who Must Not Be Named?
Aww, Elle. *Awkward pat*
Distraught is a noun...?
Aww, Elle. Fighting parents...
Yeah, fighting parents - I think it's something a lot of people can relate to, which is why I decided to incorporate it. It's especially important to me, because I remember just feeling so awkward/sad/morose when I heard my parents fighting downstairs.
Serenity Reed
Dude, she freaked out like, moments ago. We don't need a recap.
"I hope he doesn’t put me on a giant pile of rock and hurl me into space…" Greatest. Line. Yet.
lololololololol
Serenity Reed
"The intruders seemingly disregarded Retica’s banter. They took books from the shelves and plopped them to the ground, curiously looking around and shuffling through drawers, making a general mess of things. The books and items landed on the floor with vibrating clunks and thumps; each noise was grinding on Elle’s nerves."
I presume the Elle filter would probably not be able to see this...?
Or the death of Retica...?
That was going through my mind the ENTIRE time, and I wasn't sure whether or not to write it this way or not. I was like, well technically, if this is through Elle's POV, then she wouldn't really be able to see Retica's death, but at the same time, it was something I really wanted the reader to know, so I was totally confused as to what to do. The only thing I knew I wanted to do was to make the sounds as vivid as possible - that lingering feeling knowing something dangerous is near and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Serenity Reed
I imagined Chousa as a sort of short, smallish person, for some reason, so the image is... surreal.
OH GOD YOU DIDN'T
HER SLENDER PALE LEGS
I WAS JUST JOKING
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
HAHAHAHA I KNOW. As SOON as you were writing about that in the other review, I thought.........LOLOL I cannot wait until she reads the end of chapter 5.
Serenity Reed
Your style is really growing on me, actually. There's not much purple prose; that can make or break something for me, since I love stuff like Hemingway. Simplify just a tiny bit, and this will be awesome.
Simplify it in terms of...? Maybe not making the actions so complicated, or...?