Welcome to Gaia! ::

Why thank you. That's what I've been trying. =3

It's an old social networking site. No one uses it anymore. XD
Oh I see - probably why I've never heard of it!

Honestly, I come to Gaia in spurts. If there's something happening, like an RP that I'm apart of, then I come back a lot, but otherwise, if it's just stagnant, I find myself not coming back to it for months and months. I almost feel like I'm too old! XD
I only come once a day to reply to Char, and another person I chat with. We're moving pretty steadily toward other places--like Facebook--by I really like the posting system for Gaia, so I mostly stick it it. =3 Plus, I like the guildies.
Yeah Gaia is really like...the ONLY RP/writing place that's active, if that makes any sense. Anywhere else/LJ is pretty much dead or doesn't have that many people. In anycase, it's a great resource for writers, despite popular belief. D8
That is so sadly true. =/ Kind of surprising.
I know, right? I look ALL over the damn place for an active writing community, even outside of LJ. None to be had, at all.

You'd think there would be more; there's tons of aspiring authors all over the place, why does no one come out of their cave? Maybe they're afraid of criticism?
*shrug* I wish we could just get the writers together and... I dunno, just put them all in one place?

Anyway, it's nearing 2 in the morning and I want to get 5 done before my brain gives out. XD
eep! *_*

*commences silence mode*
Okay, CHAPTA FAHVE

A kingdom? Or a city...?
Oooh, so they're a COUPLE already?
"She thought of home the whole way." *proceeds to think of home*

Suddenly Chousa dismounted. The movement was sudden, surprising her. Eh?
More telling here; it's really heavy starting with 'Chousa remembered'.
The descriptions seem a little weird; not sure why, but it seems like they haven't yet been put through the Elle filter. Ya see, there's a difference between how YOU would write and how Elle would.

"from with inside" 8O
The answering summon thing made me giggle.
"It's been ten years!" OLD MAN
The jumping suddenly from Elle to 'Chousa thought this' is way too sudden. =/ It would be nice to get Chousa's reactions in the narrative, instead of as an afterthought.

Every time you say something like 'Ellenore noted' I'm remind that this is a story. Remember, the Elle filter shouldn't need to have anyone note anything unless it is strictly verbal.

...The /mirror?/ I think I read this manga once. It was called MeruPuri.
Telling, telling. Airi learned that her necklace was a mirror to another world when the prince went through it. Their surprise was on their faces, not "searching for words and trying to understand how that could be possible."

"Retica lowered the pendant and looked at Elle, his eyes were twinkling with astonishment." Comma splice.
Lol, mage fail. I am going 'ah' with the meteor, though.
He Who Must Not Be Named?

Aww, Elle. *Awkward pat*
Distraught is a noun...?
Aww, Elle. Fighting parents...

Dude, she freaked out like, moments ago. We don't need a recap.
"I hope he doesn’t put me on a giant pile of rock and hurl me into space…" Greatest. Line. Yet.

"The intruders seemingly disregarded Retica’s banter. They took books from the shelves and plopped them to the ground, curiously looking around and shuffling through drawers, making a general mess of things. The books and items landed on the floor with vibrating clunks and thumps; each noise was grinding on Elle’s nerves."
I presume the Elle filter would probably not be able to see this...?
Or the death of Retica...?

I imagined Chousa as a sort of short, smallish person, for some reason, so the image is... surreal.

OH GOD YOU DIDN'T
HER SLENDER PALE LEGS
I WAS JUST JOKING
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Your style is really growing on me, actually. There's not much purple prose; that can make or break something for me, since I love stuff like Hemingway. Simplify just a tiny bit, and this will be awesome.
Serenity Reed
Okay, CHAPTA FAHVE

A kingdom? Or a city...?
Oooh, so they're a COUPLE already?
"She thought of home the whole way." *proceeds to think of home*

It's what I do when I'm far away. ;_; Once I spent a year and half in Austin, and Chicago was all I could think about. : O

Serenity Reed

Suddenly Chousa dismounted. The movement was sudden, surprising her. Eh?
More telling here; it's really heavy starting with 'Chousa remembered'.
The descriptions seem a little weird; not sure why, but it seems like they haven't yet been put through the Elle filter. Ya see, there's a difference between how YOU would write and how Elle would.


Yeah, I should probably decide right now if this is going to be limited or omniscient...hence why I haven't gone forward yet. XD Elle filter, Elle filter, Elle filter. Gah, why am I having such a hard time with this?

Serenity Reed

"from with inside" 8O
The answering summon thing made me giggle.
"It's been ten years!" OLD MAN
The jumping suddenly from Elle to 'Chousa thought this' is way too sudden. =/ It would be nice to get Chousa's reactions in the narrative, instead of as an afterthought.


Hmm, gotcha. Hopefully I'll have more of that as the story progresses.

Serenity Reed

Every time you say something like 'Ellenore noted' I'm remind that this is a story. Remember, the Elle filter shouldn't need to have anyone note anything unless it is strictly verbal.


...Uh-oh, be prepared for chapter 6! XD

Serenity Reed


...The /mirror?/ I think I read this manga once. It was called MeruPuri.


Hmm, never heard of it. To be honest, I actually got one of the ideas from the old chinese legends that revolve around three talismans: A sword, a mirror, and an orb.

Serenity Reed

Telling, telling. Airi learned that her necklace was a mirror to another world when the prince went through it. Their surprise was on their faces, not "searching for words and trying to understand how that could be possible."

"Retica lowered the pendant and looked at Elle, his eyes were twinkling with astonishment." Comma splice.
Lol, mage fail. I am going 'ah' with the meteor, though.
He Who Must Not Be Named?

Aww, Elle. *Awkward pat*
Distraught is a noun...?
Aww, Elle. Fighting parents...


Yeah, fighting parents - I think it's something a lot of people can relate to, which is why I decided to incorporate it. It's especially important to me, because I remember just feeling so awkward/sad/morose when I heard my parents fighting downstairs.


Serenity Reed

Dude, she freaked out like, moments ago. We don't need a recap.
"I hope he doesn’t put me on a giant pile of rock and hurl me into space…" Greatest. Line. Yet.


lololololololol

Serenity Reed

"The intruders seemingly disregarded Retica’s banter. They took books from the shelves and plopped them to the ground, curiously looking around and shuffling through drawers, making a general mess of things. The books and items landed on the floor with vibrating clunks and thumps; each noise was grinding on Elle’s nerves."
I presume the Elle filter would probably not be able to see this...?
Or the death of Retica...?


That was going through my mind the ENTIRE time, and I wasn't sure whether or not to write it this way or not. I was like, well technically, if this is through Elle's POV, then she wouldn't really be able to see Retica's death, but at the same time, it was something I really wanted the reader to know, so I was totally confused as to what to do. The only thing I knew I wanted to do was to make the sounds as vivid as possible - that lingering feeling knowing something dangerous is near and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Serenity Reed

I imagined Chousa as a sort of short, smallish person, for some reason, so the image is... surreal.

OH GOD YOU DIDN'T
HER SLENDER PALE LEGS
I WAS JUST JOKING
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HAHAHAHA I KNOW. As SOON as you were writing about that in the other review, I thought.........LOLOL I cannot wait until she reads the end of chapter 5.

Serenity Reed

Your style is really growing on me, actually. There's not much purple prose; that can make or break something for me, since I love stuff like Hemingway. Simplify just a tiny bit, and this will be awesome.

Simplify it in terms of...? Maybe not making the actions so complicated, or...?
Yeah, but there must be a better way of incorporating it. Your transitions are a little disjointed. You'll notice that you tell us she thought of of, and then she proceeds to do so. The first is telling, but to get rid of just that line wouldn't solve the whole telling problem, and the Elle thoughts still jump me out pretty badly right there. (Maybe I'm just weird, but I never get home sick.)

Limited. Why? Because Elle's mind will be the most useful. If Chousa is kept a mystery--his thoughts not present unless Elle notices--the reader will absorb more, and be more interested. It is Elle's predicament which drives the plot, right? So as long as she's awake, we should be hyper aware of how she feels and perceives. Of course, without saying any of that outside of story description. It's pretty hard, yeah, but manageable. And you can still switch if need be.

Oh noes, chapta six?

Oooooooooooooh. I like it. =3 Macguffins FTW

Or like that time the other woman walked in on my dad and his (then) current girlfriend?

The truth is I totally saw that while scrolling up once, and put it in so you could get a laugh. XD

Don't make it all so complicated. We're writing a story, not an essay, remember? In an essay, you want to be as long winded as possible. In a story, it's the opposite. Say only what you need. And, that said, it's not TOO complicated right now. A bit of advice I learned from Steven King: take out adjectives and modifiers. It simplifies a lot, and sentences become stronger.
Alright, gotcha~ Gotta keep things simple. : O

Yeah, reading through that whole...telling then thought process...I might as well just take out the telling right? Might help things a bit? (hopefully?)

And, uh, Chousa won't be a mystery anymore after chapter 6. >_>



DUN DUN DUN!
Let me guess. He's a prince or something. AS PAR USUAL. *totally skipped ahead*

Simplicity is better. Which is part of the reason why early Esper makes me cringe. XD

I'd take out both. 8U
Okay, so I'll just have to work on showing that misses home. Gotcha~

There's a ton of inner-Elle monologue in chapter 6, so be prepared for that.

AND HE'S NOT JUST ANY PRINCE
he'stheprincethatLeniwastalkingaboutearlierinchapter4
GASP CHOUSA KILLED HIS FAMILY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

ROYAL BABIES?!

Oh noes not ELLE MONOLOGUES

You can do it! =3

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games