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Really great sentence structure, detail, and ideas... The only critizm is avoid the I and my. Though comparitivly its not half as rampid as i've seen in most writers smile
sweatdrop Thanks 3nodding it's my longest short storie and my first one with a sort-of fight scene sweatdrop
Ovinance
sweatdrop Thanks 3nodding it's my longest short storie and my first one with a sort-of fight scene sweatdrop

I love the sensory detail!
Ovinance
sweatdrop Thanks 3nodding it's my longest short storie and my first one with a sort-of fight scene sweatdrop

Welcome! Love to help!
Great!!!!! But to many i and mys i think keep it up!

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