I need your opinion...

[Katguy]

Good start! As others say, you have a keen mind for description and character.

Chesea

As you see, her mother and her father had seperated when she was but a tinder six year old. At age eight, they divorced. That very night of the divorce, her father went out with his buddies for drinks. He went home horribly drunk and had decided, blindly, to commit suicide. He drove off a bridge on a mildy chilly night. The truck had hit the edge of some jagged rocks, killing him instently, then the truck had, slowly slid into the creek below, and sunk. How she missed him dearly.

Keep this for now, but find ways to go into her life history later on, when it's more relevant. Then whack this whole paragraph out. smile

Quote:

Once home, after the funneral, she ran inside and slammed the door of the bathroom. Quickly locking the door, she snabbed a clean cut razor knife, and slide onto the floor....

I'm not sure how she feels about her life at this point. Yeah, she was crying earlier, and now she obviously wants to kill herself, but...is she still crying? Are her feelings numb? Hands shaking? Eyes closed? You could make this whole act a thousand times more horrible if you let us empathize with Tawny some more. 3nodding

[Mystical Beauty]

yea, thats a lot of good advice. Your on lucky writer, you have talent and there are people replying to your story? That is a lot of luck. It usually takes a little bit longer for more people to come back and read more. I for one usually check in for a little while..as i have been.

Still there is no more story to read!! sad So .. I will continue to send little messages, that some people would think of as ... bumps!!!

[Chesea]

Slyfeind

Good start! As others say, you have a keen mind for description and character.

Chesea

As you see, her mother and her father had seperated when she was but a tinder six year old. At age eight, they divorced. That very night of the divorce, her father went out with his buddies for drinks. He went home horribly drunk and had decided, blindly, to commit suicide. He drove off a bridge on a mildy chilly night. The truck had hit the edge of some jagged rocks, killing him instently, then the truck had, slowly slid into the creek below, and sunk. How she missed him dearly.

Keep this for now, but find ways to go into her life history later on, when it's more relevant. Then whack this whole paragraph out. smile

Quote:

Once home, after the funneral, she ran inside and slammed the door of the bathroom. Quickly locking the door, she snabbed a clean cut razor knife, and slide onto the floor....

I'm not sure how she feels about her life at this point. Yeah, she was crying earlier, and now she obviously wants to kill herself, but...is she still crying? Are her feelings numb? Hands shaking? Eyes closed? You could make this whole act a thousand times more horrible if you let us empathize with Tawny some more. 3nodding

w00t. mad heart Yes, thank you for your advice. I will go and add more to that part.

Mystical Beauty: Thank you. Don't worry. I will come and add more to the story. I am so happy that people like it so much that they want more. heart 3nodding

[Chesea]

Okay, with everybodys advice, I cleaned it up a bit and solved plenty of the spelling errors and such. 3nodding heart

[Ace Black]

Personally, I dislike such stories xp .

However, there is no denying the fact that it is well written and discriptive. blaugh While my own personal tastes may keep me from liking it, I still encourage you to ocntinue writing for others who will, because people will.

[Chesea]

Ace Black

Personally, I dislike such stories xp .

However, there is no denying the fact that it is well written and discriptive. blaugh While my own personal tastes may keep me from liking it, I still encourage you to ocntinue writing for others who will, because people will.

cool heart Oh, yes. Thank you.

[Boom_its_on]

Its a very good plotline, you keep things in suspence. A note though, your spelling, which im sure your aware of, and a few other things. Dont over-dramatize everything. The amount of suspence must be kept real, to an extent believed. Youve done well with it thus far, just dont over-do it. And also, it should either be drugs, or drinking, (i'd go with the drinking if I were you)

[Chesea]

Maxius Legendel

Its a very good plotline, you keep things in suspence. A note though, your spelling, which im sure your aware of, and a few other things. Dont over-dramatize everything. The amount of suspence must be kept real, to an extent believed. Youve done well with it thus far, just dont over-do it. And also, it should either be drugs, or drinking, (i'd go with the drinking if I were you)

Thanks....I think. 3nodding sweatdrop I am aware of my spelling. In fact, I have just gone through it and tried to indicate all of my spelling errors. Its supposed to be alot of drama, though. I think I am going to choose drugs. In alot of stories, its drinking. I want to be different. And I had already chosen drinking in the story already.

[Vanya Cellest]

"umm it's ok i guess....not my style though. i typically try not to tell the character's hole life story in a single paragraph. i like there to be sort of a mystery about it and it is revealed with subtle clues through out the story. heh, and don't worry about the spelling. i think everyone messes up there...like on those weird occasions when you forget how to spell a simple word like their or something. xd and there are always typos....blame it on the typos!" >.>
<.<
xd

[Chesea]

Vanya Cellest

"umm it's ok i guess....not my style though. i typically try not to tell the character's hole life story in a single paragraph. i like there to be sort of a mystery about it and it is revealed with subtle clues through out the story. heh, and don't worry about the spelling. i think everyone messes up there...like on those weird occasions when you forget how to spell a simple word like their or something. xd and there are always typos....blame it on the typos!" >.>
<.<
xd

Yes, but there is something I did happen to leave out that is important from her life story. So don't worry...it goes on into deeper parts.

ninja whee I do that a lot. ><

[Mystical Beauty]

Wow ... lots of chat... going to .. um write more?

[amy3rocks]

Sounds good so far! So sad crying crying crying lol...It is very descriptive and in good form.. good job! Post more!!!

[Chesea]

Quote:

Wow ... lots of chat... going to .. um write more?

Oh, hey...I did rewrite some of it a bit now...did you read it lately? >< I'll try and write some more soon. Promise.

Amy3rocks: Thank you, very much. whee

[Chesea]

<center>*** I made a few more paragraphs to the story. Hope you like it! >< ***

[Mystical Beauty]

yeah i read it again, I remember how it was before... and its better now. But i have an idea for you. I know the small print looks good, but its a lot harder on the eyes. You should at least make ur story in a bigger clearer print. thanks 3nodding