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M a n i a c a l Giggle's avatar

Fashionable Lunatic

This is a story I wrote for a class assignment. Feel free to give constructive criticism heart


Kalmia tapped her foot ferociously against the old tiled floor of the doctor’s office in anticipation and fear, the sound her quick movements created an echo through the lightly decorated office room.
“Kalmia you are next,” said the nurse behind the glass panel.
“Come on chile’, is you next,” echoed her mother who gave her daughter’s hand an abrupt jerk.
Fear swallowed Kalmia’s face, though the beauty her distinct and bold urban features created was left unharmed. The sixteen year old girl slowly stood, with arms bound tight in balls and pressed against her chest, and followed he mother towards the doctor door.
“Don’ worry chile’ you goin be okay,” her mother said in an attempt to calm her daughter’s riling nerves.
Kalmia gave a slight nod of her head as if saying yes while she tried her best to dawn a calm smile upon perturbed countenance.
Before the two reached the door it flew open and a tall, smart looking man stood in the doorway. He wore a smile bright enough to replace the sun, it almost sickened Kalmia.
“Mrs. Smith, right this way if you please,” the doctor instructed guiding both the mother and daughter to his office.
Kalmia’s breaths shortened as they drew closer to the door. She suddenly felt warmth to her hand which gave the young girl a fright. She peeled her gaze off the white tiled floor to meet her mother’s chocolate brown eyes. Her mother said nothing, but gave the girl a warm and gentle smile which in returned caused a meek and small smile to grace her youthful face. Before she knew it she was sitting before the doctor in one of the chairs placed near his desk. The pale white man sat t behind the wooden desk and flipped through a few papers with focused eyes peering over his thick lens.
He looked up at the two when he finished going through the paper. That’s when those horrible words left his mouth.
“Kalmia, you have Type 2Diabetes.”
The doctor’s words sounded heavy, weighed, drawn out and slurred in Kalmia’s ears to the point where it was impossible for her to understand.
“Wh…what!?”
Kalmia surged up out of the chair and stumbled back. Thoughts ran through the young girl’s mind, pulling her away from reality. Tears threatened to escape her eyes. She searched around the room with her eyes and jumped when she felt a tug at her arm, pulling her back to Earth. She slowly lowered back into her seat, her eyes glazed and distant. Was this really happening to her?
“Wat can we do doctah,” her mother asked as she gently smoothed her daughter’s hand.
Her mother’s eyes held concern and a bit of fear as she awaited the doctor’s answer. Kalmia raised her head from her lap to see his face and clearly hear his words.
“Well she will have to change her diet. She has to limit the amount of starchy foods and sweets she eats. She’ll also have to take insulin, to help regulate her blood sugar.”
Kalmia’s mother nodded to the doctor’s words, but Kalmia just stared. She could no longer enjoy the foods her and her friends ate every day.
“There is more, she could also suffer from heart and brain abnormalities,” the doctor looked for the mother’s face to the daughter’s.
Tears slowly streamed down Kalmia’s face before it dropped of her chin. He mother’s grip on her hand tightened and a sign of tears appeared on the mother’s face.
“Research have been done and they found that teens with Type 2 Diabetes their brains do not develop normally. Their heart also does not refill with blood between every heat beat like it should during and after exercise. This is called diastolic dysfunction.”
Kalmia could not hold the tears back any longer. Her life had taken a drastic turn and she was no longer a ‘normal’ girl. She could no longer eat the foods she usually did. She would now have to work even harder in school and take injections daily.
Over all I really liked the story. Though the end didn't really feel like the end, if you know what I mean. It felt like you stopped in the middle of your thought. I hope that makes sense, other than that though there were a few grammatical things I noticed that seemed more like typo's than anything. "and followed he mother towards the doctor door" was one of these.
I also found some of your phrasing to be interesting, not bad I'd like to make that clear. It just felt odd to me personally, but it didn't bother me.
I think "Fear swallowed Kalmia’s face, though the beauty her distinct and bold urban features created was left unharmed." was one of those moments. And as I said before I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it just stood out for me as I read it.

As stated in the beginning I really liked the story over all. I'm not sure what your inspiration was but for me I liked the sense the story conveyed about facing something like that and how it can change your life. It made me think about how something like this, particularly at a young age, must affect your personal view of yourself and how you fit into the world you live in.
M a n i a c a l Giggle's avatar

Fashionable Lunatic

Duggar
Over all I really liked the story. Though the end didn't really feel like the end, if you know what I mean. It felt like you stopped in the middle of your thought. I hope that makes sense, other than that though there were a few grammatical things I noticed that seemed more like typo's than anything. "and followed he mother towards the doctor door" was one of these.
I also found some of your phrasing to be interesting, not bad I'd like to make that clear. It just felt odd to me personally, but it didn't bother me.
I think "Fear swallowed Kalmia’s face, though the beauty her distinct and bold urban features created was left unharmed." was one of those moments. And as I said before I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it just stood out for me as I read it.

As stated in the beginning I really liked the story over all. I'm not sure what your inspiration was but for me I liked the sense the story conveyed about facing something like that and how it can change your life. It made me think about how something like this, particularly at a young age, must affect your personal view of yourself and how you fit into the world you live in.


Thanks for the response!
I'll check over my mistakes 3nodding
I'm glad you liked it I was really inspired by a friend of mines, that's why I wrote this. whee

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