I'd like the opinions of the more experienced...

[The Asian Pikachu]

Most of these replies are constructive criticisms, but, jim killed the radio star is just jealous of what this person can write. The story ROCKS!

[II iFawkNico II]

The beginning is very good.
I would like to read the rest of the story.

[Izy - Lawliet]

jim killed the radio star

Quote:

It was dark and cold, and I was much the same way.

I'm not a fan of the way this was worded. "The night was dark and cold, baring a strange resemblence to my current mood."

Quote:

The moon was black in the sky, even the stars hid their face

"The moon was dark and even the stars dared not to shine." Saying the moon was black sounds a bit off. The moon is never really black. :/

Quote:

And in that darkness a massacre was about to occur

NEVER, I repeat, NEVER start a sentence with and. That is a huge no-no. "In the darkness that surrounded me, a massacre was about to begin." See, and is not need.

Quote:

And I, an 8 year-old girl, was to be in the middle of it

Once again, never start a sentence with and. This can also be combined with the sentence above to ease the flow. "In the darkness that surrounded me, a massacre was about to begin with me, an eight year old girl, at the center of it."

Quote:

An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me. But I was not afraid, and wouldn’t be. The largest one grinned.

This seems a little out of place at the end of the first paragraph. I would start a new paragraph here since you are changing ideas.

Quote:

“I’m sorry, little girl, but you’re going to die now.” He laughed

Remember, a quote or dialogue ends with a comma unless it is an exclamation or a question. I would also change laughed to "cackled" or something like that. Laughter isn't very menacing.

Quote:

It was a joke to him. It was a joke to me as well.

You can combine these sentences as well. "It was just a joke to him as it was to me."

Quote:

Thorns that measured at least 2 feet in width shot like bullets through the bloody halls

Numbers under ten are spelled out.

Quote:

They should have been stronger. That was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches.

Again with combining sentences. It's good to vary your length. Having a bunch of short sentences make your writing very choppy and gives it a bad flow. "They should have been stronger, that was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches."

Quote:

I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my apartment. I had a small apartment. It was three rooms, not counting the closet. I lived alone there.

You don't need to repeat apartmen. We know where you are. "I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my small apartment. It contained three rooms without counting the closet. I was the only one who lived here."

Quote:

An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts, well almost alone.

This just confused me. I have no clue what you're trying to say.

Overall, the story is ok. I would deffinately elaborate at the beginning. You were very vague with the fight scene which has a lot of potential. Also, watch out for being redundent and having such short sentences. Other than that you have potential. You just need to sharpen your skills a bit.

I hope I was helpfull and good luck! C:

Well you know what you p***y little perfectionist? (exuse my language ^^; wink I really din't like the way your talking about this story! It's beautifuly writeen, something that sound profetional instead of written by an 8th grader! *turns to writer* Your amazing at writing, you should add more to this, definately!

[Izy - Lawliet]

cookie 4 da soul

OMG thats awwwsome!!!the first line is really deep.....and i loved it!!! im righting a story tooo tell me wut u think off the first sentence.........




I bleed black and will never love again....my feelings r crushed and i am siting here with a broken heart.




well wut do u think?? rofl rofl rofl

i dont know about toher ppl, but I think u hav a LOT of potential!!! =D i write a little myself....(its still in editing though so its not done emo ) and urs is very, VERY nice!

[Izy - Lawliet]

Shadyness

Just some general advice for all you young people posting in here, the best way to become a better writer is to read a ton. And (=o I started it with 'and' and it's okay I swear!), I don't mean books like 'Twilight' and 'Harry Potter', which are totally fine for entertainment, but they don't provide the sentence differentiations and structures that some of the "Classics" do. Writing is more than just telling a story, it's immersing your reader into another time and place, and to do that you have to vary your sentences, you have to know how to explain things without being explanatory, and you have to embody your story yourself.

Best of luck, read, and keep writing and you'll learn without realizing it. I promise!

D=

[bluebaby1207]

Although I think Jim killed the radio star is quite a perfectionist and was a bit critical, she gave some great advice.

Namen, xXxAndromedaBlackxXx, _kristasia_, Suna Morningstar, usagi-san 323, Shadyness, dragonrider435, SuperMegaUltraNerd, and edward cullen is smexy's first posts pretty much covered everything I wanted to say. I love it and hope to see more! I subscribed to this thread just in case you add to the story... you will, right...?

[Dads Creepy Friend]

People have given you a lot of helpful criticism. There's not much I can add. Overall, I think it's pretty nice.

So I would just like to say: Reading about flashing violet eyes and waves of flowing tresses makes me want to hurl.

[Mazeala6303]

Dads Creepy Friend

People have given you a lot of helpful criticism. There's not much I can add. Overall, I think it's pretty nice.

So I would just like to say: Reading about flashing violet eyes and waves of flowing tresses makes me want to hurl.

sorry you feel that way, all i can say to that is don't read it then. razz

[miss angelite]

Good writing, especially for your age.
And using 'and' in the beginning of the sentence is fine. People can structure the way they want their sentences to be, as long as it's not very awkward and it seems fine the way it is (suitable to the story).

Since there have been so many comments with criticism, I won't say more. But you really do have potential to make this into a good story. (:

[Frauline Five]

edward cullen is smexy

jim killed the radio star

Quote:

It was dark and cold, and I was much the same way.

I'm not a fan of the way this was worded. "The night was dark and cold, baring a strange resemblence to my current mood."

Quote:

The moon was black in the sky, even the stars hid their face

"The moon was dark and even the stars dared not to shine." Saying the moon was black sounds a bit off. The moon is never really black. :/

Quote:

And in that darkness a massacre was about to occur

NEVER, I repeat, NEVER start a sentence with and. That is a huge no-no. "In the darkness that surrounded me, a massacre was about to begin." See, and is not need.

Quote:

And I, an 8 year-old girl, was to be in the middle of it

Once again, never start a sentence with and. This can also be combined with the sentence above to ease the flow. "In the darkness that surrounded me, a massacre was about to begin with me, an eight year old girl, at the center of it."

Quote:

An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me. But I was not afraid, and wouldn’t be. The largest one grinned.

This seems a little out of place at the end of the first paragraph. I would start a new paragraph here since you are changing ideas.

Quote:

“I’m sorry, little girl, but you’re going to die now.” He laughed

Remember, a quote or dialogue ends with a comma unless it is an exclamation or a question. I would also change laughed to "cackled" or something like that. Laughter isn't very menacing.

Quote:

It was a joke to him. It was a joke to me as well.

You can combine these sentences as well. "It was just a joke to him as it was to me."

Quote:

Thorns that measured at least 2 feet in width shot like bullets through the bloody halls

Numbers under ten are spelled out.

Quote:

They should have been stronger. That was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches.

Again with combining sentences. It's good to vary your length. Having a bunch of short sentences make your writing very choppy and gives it a bad flow. "They should have been stronger, that was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches."

Quote:

I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my apartment. I had a small apartment. It was three rooms, not counting the closet. I lived alone there.

You don't need to repeat apartmen. We know where you are. "I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my small apartment. It contained three rooms without counting the closet. I was the only one who lived here."

Quote:

An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts, well almost alone.

This just confused me. I have no clue what you're trying to say.

Overall, the story is ok. I would deffinately elaborate at the beginning. You were very vague with the fight scene which has a lot of potential. Also, watch out for being redundent and having such short sentences. Other than that you have potential. You just need to sharpen your skills a bit.

I hope I was helpfull and good luck! C:

Well you know what you p***y little perfectionist? (exuse my language ^^; wink I really din't like the way your talking about this story! It's beautifuly writeen, something that sound profetional instead of written by an 8th grader! *turns to writer* Your amazing at writing, you should add more to this, definately!

She's helping the writer. Criticism is a good thing. If you tell someone that it's 'AHMAYZING', they will still be lost in how to improve it.

[Filtered_Menthols]

...And you take your hand and adjoin it with mine...

→

It seems to me that you're trying too hard. Let the words flow, to me it all seems forced. Remember though, make it flow in a way that makes sense. I think this has potential just fix a few things and remember to decompose of unoriginal or commonly used words.

←

...While we slowly cross the street to your misery...

[Mazeala6303]

Filtered_Menthols

...And you take your hand and adjoin it with mine...

→

It seems to me that you're trying too hard. Let the words flow, to me it all seems forced. Remember though, make it flow in a way that makes sense. I think this has potential just fix a few things and remember to decompose of unoriginal or commonly used words.

←

...While we slowly cross the street to your misery...

I'm really not sure of what you mean. I didn't force anything at all. And most of my writing is done during school when i should probably be paying more attention, so I certainly haven't tried too hard. I do work hard when I'm trying to improve, but I don't force any writing.

[Kreese Stoh Fair]

This is a very well written story i don't think i can write something this good because mostly I'm just lazy 3nodding

[Mazeala6303]

bump