I'd like the opinions of the more experienced...

[-T4S Dame Sidhe-]

This is really good. I'm surprised your in 8th grade. I'm a writer too ha. Keep it up though! Even though your good now, you'll get even better. If you write more, you should send it to me, because I really liked the opening lines.

[Faithful Fire]

this is really good and i want to see how it turns out. Some of the sugestians were good( u should ingnore the one about using "and" to start a sentance not completyly but try not to use it to much)

[cookie 4 da soul]

OMG thats awwwsome!!!the first line is really deep.....and i loved it!!! im righting a story tooo tell me wut u think off the first sentence.........




I bleed black and will never love again....my feelings r crushed and i am siting here with a broken heart.




well wut do u think?? rofl rofl rofl

[usagi-san 323]

*hugs you* sssseeeeeee your a kick a** writer!^^ but u should take their advise! *cough couch* even though i didn't catch these mistakes. *emo cloud* (oh and i'm one of her friends i don't randomly hug people i don't know.....useally!)

[gogo63]

that was pretty good
you need to work on the "ands" though
and not put and at the beginning of a sentence
for the beginning, i reccomend you should describe more

[Aiatalay]

This is very good, but I find that you have fallen prey to the Lunar Cliche, which is that you start off a fantasy/Gothic story talking about the moon.

Bit of a turn-off at this point, but just keep picking at it, you'll be okay.

[Shadyness]

Just some general advice for all you young people posting in here, the best way to become a better writer is to read a ton. And (=o I started it with 'and' and it's okay I swear!), I don't mean books like 'Twilight' and 'Harry Potter', which are totally fine for entertainment, but they don't provide the sentence differentiations and structures that some of the "Classics" do. Writing is more than just telling a story, it's immersing your reader into another time and place, and to do that you have to vary your sentences, you have to know how to explain things without being explanatory, and you have to embody your story yourself.

Best of luck, read, and keep writing and you'll learn without realizing it. I promise!

[l-Naraku No Hana-l]

I didn't read the other comments, so I don't know if someone said this, but, there was a part where it took me a few times to figure out what you were saying. Try this:

"I am alone. Well, almost alone."

Then do the dog scene

Hope i helped

[Blood_Dragon157]

kool, your story's going to be good. *Hope my book is going to be too*

I've adopted a neko!
Name: Samurai Jack
Likes: Everyone, anime, manga, Love
Dont like: Stinky Cheese
Owner: Blood_Dragon157
You can adopt one too!
Adopt One!

I've adopted a neko!
Name: Kazumi
Likes: being weird
Dont like: upside down
Owner: Blood_Dragon157
You can adopt one too!
Adopt One!

[ELLA_EHXx]

Mazeala6303

Okay so this is the first part of a story I have been working on, and I'd like to get the opinions of some more experienced writers.
Keep in mind that I am only in eight grade, and I don't think I'm too bad for my age. Also, if you are just going to be rude and have nothing productive to say don't post. Thx blaugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote:

It was dark and cold, and I was much the same way. The moon was black in the sky, even the stars hid their face. And in that darkness a massacre was about to occur. And I, an 8 year-old girl, was to be in the middle of it. An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me. But I was not afraid, and wouldn’t be. The largest one grinned.

“I’m sorry, little girl, but you’re going to die now.” He laughed. It was a joke to him. It was a joke to me as well. He seemed disheartened by the fact I was not afraid, and ordered his men to charge. And then…it was over. Vines of gargantuan size tore through a soon-to-be-empty corridor. Thorns that measured at least 2 feet in width shot like bullets through the bloody halls. There was no time for screams in this chaos. Life was like mildew being shaken from tender leaves. And in it’s midst I stood, unharmed. They should have been stronger. That was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches. I counted the dead bodies, 128. They sure did send a lot of people to kill me.

I woke screaming. My bed was soaked in cold sweat, and my usual waves of white-gold hair hung limp to my body. The events of the past flooded into my head. I shook them out. I had put that bloody past behind me. My name, Minka Evilane, and you could say I was born at age 10. I am 12 years old, and I am not who I used to be. I flew to the mirror and examined myself. Some things never change. My eyes are now, just as they were back then, a flashing violet. And just as intimidating. I blew a strand of hair from my face and showered. Even after all that, the sun was not yet up. The darkness felt homey, but lonely.

I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my apartment. I had a small apartment. It was three rooms, not counting the closet. I lived alone there.

An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts, well almost alone. I opened the bathroom door, and a Labrador puppy emerged. She burst from the empty door frame, going as fast as she could on her three legs. Her dark eyes sparkled with life, and I figured that Niena, the puppy, would never stop being playful. Her body had three legs, but her spirit had four. Niena was my inspiration, because maybe I was the one whose spirit had three legs.

Well that's my short little excerpt, let me know what you think

Edit: Okay a lot of people keep telling me I could have done more with the fight scene. But this all happened in a minute or two, it was pretty darn quick. So I made the scene short. If I can add more and still portray my original idea, please tell me.

Edit: Okay people, I have heard your comments about the 'and' thing multiple times now. I would appreciate it if you would start to say something else.

[dragonrider435]

jim killed the radio star

Quote:

It was dark and cold, and I was much the same way.

I'm not a fan of the way this was worded. "The night was dark and cold, baring a strange resemblence to my current mood."

Quote:

The moon was black in the sky, even the stars hid their face

"The moon was dark and even the stars dared not to shine." Saying the moon was black sounds a bit off. The moon is never really black. :/

Quote:

And in that darkness a massacre was about to occur

NEVER, I repeat, NEVER start a sentence with and. That is a huge no-no. "In the darkness that surrounded me, a massacre was about to begin." See, and is not need.

Quote:

And I, an 8 year-old girl, was to be in the middle of it

Once again, never start a sentence with and. This can also be combined with the sentence above to ease the flow. "In the darkness that surrounded me, a massacre was about to begin with me, an eight year old girl, at the center of it."

Quote:

An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me. But I was not afraid, and wouldn’t be. The largest one grinned.

This seems a little out of place at the end of the first paragraph. I would start a new paragraph here since you are changing ideas.

Quote:

“I’m sorry, little girl, but you’re going to die now.” He laughed

Remember, a quote or dialogue ends with a comma unless it is an exclamation or a question. I would also change laughed to "cackled" or something like that. Laughter isn't very menacing.

Quote:

It was a joke to him. It was a joke to me as well.

You can combine these sentences as well. "It was just a joke to him as it was to me."

Quote:

Thorns that measured at least 2 feet in width shot like bullets through the bloody halls

Numbers under ten are spelled out.

Quote:

They should have been stronger. That was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches.

Again with combining sentences. It's good to vary your length. Having a bunch of short sentences make your writing very choppy and gives it a bad flow. "They should have been stronger, that was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches."

Quote:

I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my apartment. I had a small apartment. It was three rooms, not counting the closet. I lived alone there.

You don't need to repeat apartmen. We know where you are. "I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my small apartment. It contained three rooms without counting the closet. I was the only one who lived here."

Quote:

An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts, well almost alone.

This just confused me. I have no clue what you're trying to say.

Overall, the story is ok. I would deffinately elaborate at the beginning. You were very vague with the fight scene which has a lot of potential. Also, watch out for being redundent and having such short sentences. Other than that you have potential. You just need to sharpen your skills a bit.

I hope I was helpfull and good luck! C:

I think ths was a bit too critical. And some editing and spell-checking on this comment could have helped a bit, too. Over all, the story was really good. I like the imagery, and the short sentences in the beginning help to make all of the thoughts of the girl to form this idea that everything is happening almost in slow motion. However, later on in the story, vary the sentence length a bit. If you do start a sentence off with "and," you want to start a new paragraph, even if it is just one sentence long. By puttint "and" at the beginning of a sentence you are adding emphasis, and if you start a new paragraph, you add even more. Just a tip. I do have to agree with jim killed on the part where you say, "An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts, well almost alone." You should break that into two sentences, just because it doesn't sound right. A bit of spell check and some touch-ups here and there and you're good to go.
Keep writing,
~Max

[Shadow Piranha]

Mazeala6303

It was dark and cold that night, but I was much the same way. The moon was hidden in the sky and with that darkness even the stars hid their face. In that darkness a massacre was about to occur, and I, an eight-year-old girl, was to be in the middle of it. An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me, but I was not afraid, and wouldn’t be. The largest one grinned down at me, his confidence clear in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, little girl, but you’re going to die now,” He laughed. It was a joke to him, and in my mind I smiled because it was a joke to me as well. He seemed disheartened by the fact I was not afraid, yet still he ordered his men to charge. My lips twitched into a smile for it was over before it had even begun. Vines of gargantuan size tore through a soon-to-be-empty corridor. Thorns that measured at least two feet in width shot like bullets through the bloody halls. There was no time for screams in the chaos. Life was like mildew being shaken from tender leaves, and in it’s midst I stood, unharmed. They should have been stronger, that was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches. I counted the dead bodies, a satisfying number of 128. They sure had sent a lot of people to kill me.

I wake screaming, my bed soaked from my cold sweat, and my usual waves of white-gold hair hanging limp to my body. The events of the past flooding into my head. I shake them out, I have put that bloody past behind me. My name is Minka Evilane, and you could say I was born at age 10. I am 12 years-old now, and definitely not who I used to be. I fly to the mirror and examine my reflection. Some things never change, I think to myself. My eyes are, just as they were back then, an intimidating and flashing violet. I blow a strand of hair from my face and shower. Still, even after all that, the sun is not yet up. The darkness feels homey, but lonely.

I can see the darkened sky through the single window in my apartment. I have a small apartment, three rooms not counting the closet and I live alone there.

An onslaught of barking jerks me from my thoughts. Well, almost alone, I think to myself. I open the bathroom door, and a Labrador puppy emerges. She bursts from the empty door frame, going as fast as she can on her three legs. Her dark eyes sparkle with youthful life, and I figure that Niena, the puppy, would never stop being playful. Her body has three legs, but her spirit has four. Niena is my inspiration, because maybe I am the one whose spirit had three legs.

My changes to your writing are in bold.
You can use them or not, but they are there just the same.
The things I didn't change are hard to see, but bear in mind that I didn't change the entire thing.
Just most of it.

[nekomimi2000]

woow!
i love it!
but to improve it you could try to make some of the sentences longer, or join afew together. but apart from that its really good =D