I'd like the opinions of the more experienced...

[Mazeala6303]

Okay so this is the first part of a story I have been working on, and I'd like to get the opinions of some more experienced writers.
Keep in mind that I am only in eight grade, and I don't think I'm too bad for my age. Also, if you are just going to be rude and have nothing productive to say don't post. Thx blaugh

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Quote:

It was dark and cold, and I was much the same way. The moon was black in the sky, even the stars hid their face. In that darkness a massacre was about to occur. And I, an 8 year-old girl, was to be in the thick of it. An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me. The faded gleam of a far away street light reflected off their silver chest plates. Their skin faded into the run down alley walls, and only their hateful eyes even acknowledge me. By reading their body language I reasoned that I wasn’t seen as a threat. Big mistake…
The largest one grinned, his angry, amused brown eyes traced over me.

“I’m sorry, little girl, but you’re going to die now.” He laughed. It was a joke to him, easy pay, he must think. That was the joke to me, I grinned, awaiting the assassin. He seemed disheartened by the fact I was not afraid, and ordered his men to charge. Then… it was over.

Vines of gargantuan size tore through a soon-to-be-empty corridor. Thorns that measured at least two feet in width shot like bullets through the bloody halls. There was no time for screams in this chaos, they were ended before they could even begin. Life was like mildew being shaken from tender leaves. And in it’s midst I stood, unharmed. They should have been stronger. If they wanted to survive in a world of witches, that was. I counted the dead bodies, 128. They sure did send a lot of people to kill me.

I woke. Screaming. My bed was soaked in cold sweat, and my usual waves of white-gold hair hung limp to my body. The events of the past flooded back into my head, it was though some dam had broken that released them all upon me again. I shook them out. I had put that bloody past behind me. My name, Minka Evaline, and you could say I was born at age ten. I am twelve years old, and I am not who I used to be, not what I used to be. I flew to the mirror and examined myself.

Some things never change. My eyes are always the same, a flashing violet, just as intimidating, just as exotic, and just as daring. For any other girl, it would be a good thing, a pretty eye-catcher. For me? Not so much.

I blew a strand of hair from my face and showered. A hot shower calmed my nerves, and I was ready to begin my day. I awaited the arrival of the rising sun, while taking my time to do as I pleased. The darkness felt homey, but cold.
I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my apartment. I had a small home, but a larger space was unneeded. I was the only person who lived there, but I wasn’t alone.

An onslaught of barking erupted from behind a closed door. I opened the bathroom door, and my two year old Labrador emerged. She burst from the empty door frame, going as fast as she could on her three legs. Her dark eyes sparkled with life, and I figured that Niena, would never stop being playful. Her body had three legs, but her spirit had four. Niena was my inspiration, because maybe I was the one whose spirit had three legs.

Well that's my short little excerpt, let me know what you think
Edit: There have been multiple requests from people for me to do more, and there is more. I just stopped here since this is where the drama ends. If you wish to read the rest PM me, and I will be more than happy to send it to you. Beware it's pretty long.

[Gizumaki]

Very well written. Over all i liked it.

[jim killed the radio star]

Quote:

It was dark and cold, and I was much the same way.

I'm not a fan of the way this was worded. "The night was dark and cold, baring a strange resemblence to my current mood."

Quote:

The moon was black in the sky, even the stars hid their face

"The moon was dark and even the stars dared not to shine." Saying the moon was black sounds a bit off. The moon is never really black. :/

Quote:

And in that darkness a massacre was about to occur

NEVER, I repeat, NEVER start a sentence with and. That is a huge no-no. "In the darkness that surrounded me, a massacre was about to begin." See, and is not need.

Quote:

And I, an 8 year-old girl, was to be in the middle of it

Once again, never start a sentence with and. This can also be combined with the sentence above to ease the flow. "In the darkness that surrounded me, a massacre was about to begin with me, an eight year old girl, at the center of it."

Quote:

An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me. But I was not afraid, and wouldn’t be. The largest one grinned.

This seems a little out of place at the end of the first paragraph. I would start a new paragraph here since you are changing ideas.

Quote:

“I’m sorry, little girl, but you’re going to die now.” He laughed

Remember, a quote or dialogue ends with a comma unless it is an exclamation or a question. I would also change laughed to "cackled" or something like that. Laughter isn't very menacing.

Quote:

It was a joke to him. It was a joke to me as well.

You can combine these sentences as well. "It was just a joke to him as it was to me."

Quote:

Thorns that measured at least 2 feet in width shot like bullets through the bloody halls

Numbers under ten are spelled out.

Quote:

They should have been stronger. That was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches.

Again with combining sentences. It's good to vary your length. Having a bunch of short sentences make your writing very choppy and gives it a bad flow. "They should have been stronger, that was if they wanted to survive in a world of witches."

Quote:

I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my apartment. I had a small apartment. It was three rooms, not counting the closet. I lived alone there.

You don't need to repeat apartmen. We know where you are. "I could see the darkened sky through the single window in my small apartment. It contained three rooms without counting the closet. I was the only one who lived here."

Quote:

An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts, well almost alone.

This just confused me. I have no clue what you're trying to say.

Overall, the story is ok. I would deffinately elaborate at the beginning. You were very vague with the fight scene which has a lot of potential. Also, watch out for being redundent and having such short sentences. Other than that you have potential. You just need to sharpen your skills a bit.

I hope I was helpfull and good luck! C:

[SilverKiori]

I slightly disagree with the poster above. Using 'and' to begin a sentence is banned in English class, not creative writing.

[Darkside_of_Reality]

SilverKiori

I slightly disagree with the poster above. Using 'and' to begin a sentence is banned in English class, not creative writing.

yeah i agree, it is all right to use "and" to start a sentence, just don't start every sentence using
"and"

[jim killed the radio star]

I've just made it a habit to not start sentences with and because I don't think that it's neccisary, that and it sounds better if you don't.

[l l C O O K I I E S l l]

bump 3nodding

[seatails]

HI my favorite word HI!

[Namen]

If you're in eighth grade, you're about 13 or 14, aren't you? In that case, yes, you're certainly good for your age.

I like the idea of the dream as the beginning of the story, although it needs to be a little longer, more fleshed out. While obviously a dramatic scene is the order of the day, not every sentence needs to be action-packed. Slowing it down a little would make it more dream-like, too. I think starting a sentence with 'and' is fine, but be careful not to do it too much - in your first paragraph you started sentences with 'and' and 'but' three times.

Again, when she's awake, take a little more time to describe her surroundings, etc. Before she starts talking about herself and her past, explain what she's feeling and thinking at that moment, when she goes to the mirror.

It's an intriguing beginning to a story, and I'd certainly like to know what happens next. Just make sure not to rush ahead of yourself. There are a few sentences that require work, as well, but for the most part your use of language is quite good, and will improve the more you write, I'm sure. I especially liked the phrase,
"Her body had three legs, but her spirit had four."

As an exercise to fix some of the problematic sentences, try reading it aloud and seeing which ones sound odd (the use of the word 'apartment' twice in succession, for example).

Good luck!

~Eimear

[Debriota]

I personally think its very good. Sure there is plently of the grammar and the "and" situation, but it's designed to be creative and unique. For an eighth grader too? Well done!

[xXxAndromedaBlackxXx]

I like your style. The only real problem I had with it was the fact that almost all the sentences were the same type. Try using some more compound sentences - short ones work well for emphasis but not if they're used too much.
I still liked it. Keep writing!

[_kristasia_]

Jim killed the radio star has some good suggestions (besides the "And" thing everyone's giving her a hard time for. wink ), but I disagree with these in particular:

jim killed the radio star

Quote:

It was dark and cold, and I was much the same way.

I'm not a fan of the way this was worded. "The night was dark and cold, baring a strange resemblence to my current mood."

I like the phrasing of the sentence you already have--it gives your character a different tone than jim's alternative, even though jim's is written well.

jim killed the radio star

Quote:

The moon was black in the sky, even the stars hid their face

"The moon was dark and even the stars dared not to shine." Saying the moon was black sounds a bit off. The moon is never really black. :/

Her alternative is great, but if you wanted to stick with what you already have, you might have to make a little change like this: "The moon was black in the sky--even the stars hid their face." Or replace the dashes with a semicolon.

jim killed the radio star

Quote:

An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts, well almost alone.

This just confused me. I have no clue what you're trying to say.

I understand what you're trying to say, but try arranging it more like this: "An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts. Well, I was almost alone." Another way (though this might be iffy in terms of English rules, I don't know) would just be: "An onslaught of barking jerked me from my thoughts. Well, almost alone." Also, maybe instead of "almost alone," you could say, "Well, not completely alone."


Anyway, like the others said, just try playing with some of your sentences a bit more and see if you can vary them a little. But I think it's a great opening, keep it up! ^_^

[Fangthorn]

well if you are an 8th grader than that means you were/are in the same grade as I am in. I think this is brilliant writing. There are of course a few places you could change... Such as make the fight scene more... interesting... but that isn't the word I am looking for... Anyway, good job and keep on writing. This story does have a lot of potential...

[Suna Morningstar]

personally as an avid writer, and in the final quarter of my freshman year in highschool, I think you have potential. Your writing does have a few slight structural flaws, but you have a gift. Keep writing, i'm curious to see how your writing will mature. biggrin