-gone-

[DearJayme]

and let me know what you think?
tried to hide bad words lol ^^'

Summary (brief): My mother killed my father long before he killed himself.

deleting soon redface ...thank you!

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[LadySnark]

First of all, I really like your story. Its a unique story and it is very interesting. I would love to see you edit this because I see so much potential in it.

It is still very raw, in that there are still some grammar errors I see and a couple awkward sentences. So I'd give it a good read through aloud and I'm sure you'll be able to pick them up.

The first sentence is on the right track. It serves as a good hook for now, but again, a little bit awkward. I wouldn't change it too much, but perhaps a little tweak.

Also, since that is your first line, I don't see the need to constantly repeat that "My mother killed my father before he killed himself". You already said it in the beginning, you don't need to keep reiterating your point. The first line is enough.

And, I think this story might play out better if you lengthened it. I see it as a 3,000-5,000 words piece, but that is just me. Either way, I think it is too short right now. There is so much potential for emotion that I think a slightly longer story would really account for. This is one of those pieces where you can really make readers feel things.

Good first draft! Excited to see what you make of it. I'd be happy to do a line-by-line edit if you want, on this draft or any future ones. PM me if you like.