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Harmonic Tune's avatar

Jeering Player

Okay so this short story just came to me with no plot line or correlation I do not know if it should become something of it. Need some feedback if the idea is any good or to cliche. Criticize good or bad, Tell me! biggrin

Rusty, but I just thought of it as of now
Twin Sibilings, Both humans just a bit more than average
Rimma: Protagonist younger sister
Has the "touch" and her "powers" are still developing
Can see the dead, hear,and later on touch when she finds herself but not yet. Her powers are more useful with ghost and all that spriual realm stuff with shadows.
Personality: Rimma is not shy to speak her mind and sometimes goes overboard without care for the other persons feelings but even so she is kind to does she loves and feels there worth her time. She is loyal, honest, brave and would do things without a second thought She is sometimes rebellious when being told what to do by her brother. (not good at following orders)

Ren: older brother (of course)
Mood swings he get a feel on peoples "auras" as one might say or energy. Pinpoint people locations, ghost, or spiritual beings. Because he is first born he is stronger than Rimma. You could say his "powers" came first to him then Rimmas.He is the one with visions and dreams that come rarely to him and just by touching a person can see their past and what they are feeling at that moment. His powers interact more with people who are alive.
Personality:Takes care of Rimma. Might be a lttle overprotective of her. He is the resposible one and can easily sway other people to do his bidding. With his great personality and charm, he can get, do, anything he wants.(convincing usually when his sis gets into touble and has to bail her out) He is more outgoing and open to people. Some say he doesn have a care in the world but is never true. And though he acts like a good guy, he do anything to keep Rimma safe even if it meant killing. Deep down he has his own problems he does not let it show. His the guy your girl bestfriend would fall for your older brother. (Dunno why but it happens more often than not)

Nick: Soul Reaper, Grim Reaper. (yea I know realistic aint it)
Well the Twins Mother is in the brink of death so why not thow in the gate keeper or something afterall this short story revolves around the Spiritual world. Oh and uhh he and Rimma have met before.
Personality: Arrogant and wont take bs from anyone. He is very blunt, rude, and does what is most convenient to him. Tho he might put off a front but he is modest, thoughtful and does his job with no fail. He takes things seriously and cares for the ghosts.

Fearing Death: First Appearence

She still remembered the first time she had been in a hospital, it was when her grandfather had fallen ill. She was told she wasnt allowed and to stay outside until her mother came for her and her brother at the lobby. As a kid she was very inpatient and so she stood cofident nurses wouldnt stop a 6 year old if they saw her.

“Hey! Where are you goin’?”

Rimma shush her twin brother not telling him her plans, “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Ren shrugged, “Fine, just dont ask for me to save you if you get caught.”
She stick her tounge out at him and left.

Rimma walked past the desk and down the corrider. She had heard the room number before,


All she had to do was find an elevator. She made a left reading signs along the wall or hanging from the ceiling. It had taken her time to reach her grandfathers room without complications. No one stopped her, questioned her, or even noticed her.

Rimma stood outside fighting herself if she really should enter and face the truth.

‘Maybe its the wrong number’ she thought ‘oh stop making excuses’

She reach the knob, turn it slowly, heart rising, and ramped up enough curouge to step in. She took in a waft of medicine and chlorine. Moniters lined beside her granpa near his bed, each having a distinctive use and noise. She hated the one that pump air the most.

‘Grampa doesnt need that’ she thought.

She scanned the room thourghly. Her mom sat on a chair sleeping beside him on the bed. The top of her head showed how badly she kept her curly hair into a tangle mess.

Rimma jogged towards them, looking closely at her now sleeping grampa. His skin was a bit delicate like a map of wrinckles. Little hair he had was neatly comb and his face, ignoring the oxygen wire on his nose, was at ease,calm and peaceful, serien, no cringled wrinckles on his forhead. Rimma squinted her eyes and just the right angled he appeared young and useful to her. She climb at the foot of his bed, leaning foward and touched his leg.

“Grampa?” She said tentevily, wonderin if he had heard her.

At that momemt there was a nagging sound that stroude on forever waking up her mother. Her mother immeditly stood, “Dad?” at first it was a mere whispered before she bacame frantic, “Dad? Dad! OMG… OMG… OMG… Nooo!” She rushed towards the door and yelled out for a nurse. Rimma crwaled back and fell.

A doctor and nurse rush in, examining and taking his pulse. Her heart wanted to choke her, beating throughout he body, each time faster and faster picking up speed, drowning all noise. Her mom had gone hysterical breaking down and was exited out the room. There Rimma stood outof place as people slide in and out the door, not able see him anymore by all the people surrounding him, until she felt a warm hand stroke her cheek and looked up with big eyes. There he was, her grandfather, radient and smiling, completly healty

“Now you be a good girl and be safe.” He said.

Rimma gripped his funny coat he always wore and closed her eyes, “I’m gonna miss you, grampa.”

With that said a nurse finally took notice of her and ushered her outside along eith her mother who had slide down against the wall and sobbed. She look over shoulder before the door closly with no trace of her grampa standing beside them. He was truly gone.

Her mom looked up in pain and pulled her by the arm caressing her. She tried to hide it and act calm even tho she choked on her own words.

“When did you- gget here? Huhh?” Her mother baried he face on her small head.

“Miss Annen?” Stiff with bug eyes she stood gripping her childs hand tightly.

The doctor look at her mother directly and slowly said, “We’re sorry.”
After does words her mother’s legs couldnt sustaine themslves.

Rimma closed her eyes before openomg them grasping the here and now, her mother wheeled off into an operation room, the doors swaying as they rus her in Her bloodstained hands and clothing played funny tricks to her eyes as the color blurred. Ren hugged her from behind. She couldnt move yet her body trembled uncontrolably.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Ren whispered it over and over willing it to be true but it wasnt.

She could feel him tremble along with her as fresh tears wet the back of her neck. He was tring to be stong for both their sakes but right now they needed comforting, they need it each other, amd together they stayed huddled together the entire night wating for does doors to open once more.
Harmonic Tune's avatar

Jeering Player

Dreams Consumed Into Nightmares

Rimma’s head bobed and she opened her eyes. The silence was deafing and the smell intoxicating. Her brother had his arms around her snoring his head off against her back, both sitting on the white porcline floor. She lean foward and he shifted along with her. She push his face away but he ended up falling back to her.

“Ren,” she whine “your to heavy.”

A hand stroke her cheek the same way grampa had while she struggled with her brother. She look up face to face with her mother.

Her mother smiled, “Rimma, why are you crying?”

Her voice was like the sea just like she remembered. Rimma stood untangling her self from Ren, rubbing at her eyes. She hadnt known she was crying but it must of been from seeing her mother alive and healthy. Rimma disregarded that her mother had no blood on her and her outfit was a dress and not jeans and blouse.

“Mom!” She jump at her, “I’m crying out of joy!”
“uff” she laugh, “You should be even without me.”

Rimma baried her face on her mothers shoulder, breathing her in not grasping a word she was saying “This isn’t a dream, right?”

Her mother sigh and Rimma would have cared less if it was or not if it wasnt for Nick standing across from them. Shocked, she pulled away from her, understanding what she just said, “What!?!”

Her mother let go of her, “you be a good girl and listen to your brother, that boy is growing more like his father”

Rimma reached out for her mother “What are you-”

Nick’s blade was suddenly there, between them.
“nuhuhuh, you wouldnt want her to be damned now do you.” He stroked her mother hair.

“Why are you doing this?” She was implieing it to her mother but Nick answered instead instead “A lovely soul like hers shouldnt go unpunished.”

Her mothers face crinkled with worry. He’d already said to much and shoved his blade aside. “It’s time. You and your brother have no need of me anymore.”

Rimma was on the verge of breaking down, “No. No. No. That’s not true.”

Her mother peck her daughter on her cheeks and slid pass her to her son, pecking him on his forhead and whispering the words I love you. She walked back beside Nick, “I love you both.”

Rimma ran towards them, tears streaming dow her flushed cheeks before being stopped by Nick’s sychte once again outstretch to her.

“Now isn’t that sweet” Nick shook Rimma’s mother by the cheeks puckering them.

“Dont touch her.”

Nick raised his head towards her, “What was that?”

Tears spilled on the spotless clean floor, she gripped his sycthe, confusion clouding him, and look up squarly at him. She knew one thing death never, let go of there only weapon no matter what.

She pull at it, sending him foward to her, “Let her go!”

Hitting him on his face she pinned him down. Nick brought his blade down behind her with one swift movement her soul would have been his if it werent for her mother who pulled her away.

Rimma swiped at nothing infront of her, “Let me go! Mom.”

She whined as her mother held her from behind her shirt. Her mother sigh, “Stop it! Your gonna get yourself killed.” She let go, “Now listen, every chose I made was for the rigjt reason and I do not regret a single thing. Now please let me go. I can not leave with a worried conciouse.”

Rimma frown, “What about Ren?”

Her mother took a step back, “He understands.”

Rimma reachout again to her mother who was walking away but Nick stopped her with his sycrhe pressed on her. “Emma. It’s time.”

Rimma didnt know Nick was sustaining her until he let go and she fell on her knees. Emma looked over her shoulder to her daughter, “Rimma.”

Rimma closed her eyes and shook her head, “I cant.”

Emma smiled, “It’s fine, be safe.”

Rimma crawled towards her but Nick continued to pull her back, “mom? Mom! Dont do this! Mommy! Dont leave me!”

Nick chuckled, “It has already been done.”

Rimma vision blurred as her mother passed through the swinging doors all she could see was the whiteness of the walls.

She screamed, “Mom!!!Grahhh!”
She kicked anf punched at nothing but air.

“Rimma! Wake up! "Ren tried to calmed his sister but Rimma was completly zone out and pushed his hands that gripped her waist and charged down the corrider almost knocking the doctor off his footing that exited the ER room.

“Rimma! Rimma!” The words were clear, through her frenzy, it was from Rens mouth not Nicks.

Ren wrapped his arms around her and pulled her away from the frighten doctor. Ren turn her away as she kicked and screamed. Ignoring her, he looked at the doctor who only shook his head, "We're sorry. She was to far gone when she was brought in, she had lost too much blood and the wounds..."

Rimma screams bounced of the walls of the empty hospital (much like dead). Those words, she hated them with such a forocious passiante. She kick the wall and punched it not caring.

“Nooo! Nooo!” Ren slid against the wall again, freah tears consuming his vision, his sisters screams making it worse.

He turn his sister to him, who countinued to fight and strughle, hugging her tightly as her cries subbsided into sobs. His body shook, tears he had been holding back before finally came in waves. Rimma tighten her clutch on her brothers shirt, he was the only one she had left and baried her face on his chest as he placed it on top hers. Whatever dream she had moments ago was not a dream. Nothing more then a dream consumed into nightmare.
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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You need to break up those paragraphs.
SebastiansLittleDoll's avatar

Blessed Genius

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I can't read the story the way it is now. I would have been able to if you had skipped lines and started new paragraphs properly instead of putting it all into one big wall of text. And, also, you need to skip a new line after someone else starts speaking. How're gonna understand what they're saying and who's saying what if you don't?
MC lollygirl
I can't read the story the way it is now.

This. If you want feedback on the quality of your work, then you need to edit this, because right now it's pretty much impossible to read.
Harmonic Tune's avatar

Jeering Player

Where havent I heard that before
I apoligize my grammers lika a 12 yr old I'll try my best to seperate and make paragraph dunno for open diolgue but I'll color code it
Just a sec.
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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for open diolgue but I'll color code it

Please don't.
for open diolgue but I'll color code it

Please don't.

Harmonic Tune's avatar

Jeering Player

Alright I'll edit here and come prepared next time to start fresh

Edit: okay so I tried but wow its look like a lot of gaps a bit neater tho
Harmonic Tune's avatar

Jeering Player

T^T it looks bad
Boring. I had to push myself through it and even then, I didn't really read all of it. I skimmed it mostly. Honestly, there are tons of things you could do with this, but the question was, "Is this cliche?"

Yes. It's very typical.
Rabbit the Renegade's avatar

Wheezing Gawker

It's a bit harder for fantasy writing to be taken seriously, and with the grammar errors it's difficult to get through. Get rid of the character descriptions in the beginning. You might worry that people won't understand who the characters are, but that's the job of the short story. If you have to provide outside information, then your story isn't doing its job.
UC Poika's avatar

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I never even read it because of the bad press it got. It takes guts don't it. We all take this chance! Don't give up! sad

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