Finding Mr. Perfect - A Gay High School Romance (Updated)

Can you see the story working as a comic?

Yes	56.4%	[ 22 ]
No	7.7%	[ 3 ]
Somewhat	20.5%	[ 8 ]
Gold!	15.4%	[ 6 ]
Total Votes:			[ 39 ]

[Celestial Terror]

Me again. Little edits (oh & sorry for my mistake on that other sentence from the last chapter. I would just keep the sentence how it looks btw):

Quote:

“...No, I’m not.” He made his best ‘straight’ face. Then he remembered that he had the wrong reaction of a heterosexual person being called gay. “I mean. Eww, oh man, that’s sick, what’s wrong with you of course I’m straight. Tits. It’s all about tits for me. And. Uh. God, what else do girls have? Vaginas. There we go. I love vaginas.”

First off, when I read this, I started lol'ing and my sister looked at me as if I were crazy. Oh and the line where it says: 'Eww, oh man, that's sick, what's wrong with you of course I'm straight' I would edit it to either of these (unless, such as last time, you mean for him to just be saying it all at once which I could consider a possibility for this sentence and the way I feel he would be saying it...):

Eww, oh man, that's sick, what's wrong with you, of course I'm straight.

Or...

Eww, oh man, that's sick, what's wrong with you? Of course I'm straight.

Quote:

Mike began again and oh god, does the boy even have facial expressions?

Personally, I would change it to read: Mike began again, and oh god, does the boy even have facial expressions? OR Mike began again. Oh god, does the boy even have facial expressions? I just thought it seemed a bit awkward.

Quote:

“I know. I have a gaydar and it’s never been wrong before.”

Compound sentence, thus a comma should be in between 'gaydar' and 'and'. Oh and the apostrophe shouldn't be in 'it's'.

Quote:

“If they don’t know than I don’t know...

Should be 'then'.

Quote:

Even now, months later when they were pretty much friends, the guy still won’t tell him who else...

Tense is changing. You go from 'now' to 'were' then to 'won't'. Perhaps change it to- "Even months later when they were pretty much friends, the guy still wouldn't tell him..." or "Even now, months later when they are pretty much friends, the guy still won't tell him who else..."

---

Hope I helped out! Mike is an interesting character. xD Look forward to the next part!

Oh, and when you said there's only one other gay person blah blah in a previous post, I assumed it was Sam, and when you mentioned he's a transsexual (if you're being serious or trying to trick us...? lol) I just did NOT see that coming! Oh & adorable Inarte icons you made! (:

[Captain tohru honda]

yaay! for more! and sorry I got you shot....want a bandaid? lol

[mina352]

>>Celestial Terror

YAY FOR MINOR EDITS! God, I'm wondering if I can permenantly hire you as my beta-reader now. xDDDD

Oh yeah, that line was just Inartè being a douche and spitting everything out at once. xD

FFFFF, when I was twelve, I never had any problems with stuff like "then" and "than" and "it's", but now, I keep on making them and I never catch them when I edit. I wonder if it's possible to hire my previous self to edit stuff for me. *headdesks*

Oh yes, there's one other homosexual person in the school who hasn't told anyone yet, but Mike is... *says no more* : D

Har, har, Inartè's too much fun to doodle for me (well, doodle properly and not the chibis that I hack out). Every expression he usually makes oozes sarcasm. xD

Once again, thank you for all your hard work in helping me edit!

>>Captain tohru honda

Yay for more indeed! xD *snatches bandaid and runs away*

[RD_the]

I am really enjoying this storyline, and I love your writing style. Inarte's character seems believable. Each individual section flows very well and, from what I can tell, fits into the overall plot. There are the minor problems in each section, but Celestial Terror has already gone through those with you.

My main problem at the moment is what happens when I try to read the sections as a unified whole. There is no transition, no flow from one section to the next. In this medium this can be tolerated. The section changes are far enough apart that the changes in scene and tone would be obvious anyway. It reads like a connected series of short stories right now.

However, especially when you get this into a more unified format, this isn't going to work. The story should be able to flow on its own without relying on the section breaks to change setting, time or characters. My advice would be to put all the sections into one document and take out all the headings. When it flows as well without the section headings as it does with, you can put the headings back in.

[mina352]

RD_the

I am really enjoying this storyline, and I love your writing style. Inarte's character seems believable. Each individual section flows very well and, from what I can tell, fits into the overall plot. There are the minor problems in each section, but Celestial Terror has already gone through those with you.

My main problem at the moment is what happens when I try to read the sections as a unified whole. There is no transition, no flow from one section to the next. In this medium this can be tolerated. The section changes are far enough apart that the changes in scene and tone would be obvious anyway. It reads like a connected series of short stories right now.

However, especially when you get this into a more unified format, this isn't going to work. The story should be able to flow on its own without relying on the section breaks to change setting, time or characters. My advice would be to put all the sections into one document and take out all the headings. When it flows as well without the section headings as it does with, you can put the headings back in.

Thank you very much for your compliment! I swear I do proof-read (multiple times, just to show how sad I am), but the little errors always slip through. I need a beta-reader bad... If you spot any errors or inconsistancies or awkward sentences, please point them out to me!

Ahaha... ha... ha... I, um, originally wrote it as broken scenes that connect to a whole. This was something for me to blow off steam, so I do have to admit, I didn't take it very seriously in the beginning (as I usually write this way with stuff for fun or wangst with a style purpose). They were suppose to be stand alone pieces altering between Inartè and the people in his life and Inartè and Sam, but I'm looking at my plot right now and... it's not going to work out so well later on. There's a transition point I have planned, but... well, I'll try to make it work.

(In my word doc right now, it's just the entire thing with no chapters and a "~*~" separating each section. xD)

Thank you for taking the time to both read and give me a critique and I hope you enjoy the rest as I post them!

[LadyViet92]

omg I love it
I'm sooo hooked
can't wait till next chapter
can u send me a pm when u have the next one up??

[RD_the]

mina352

(In my word doc right now, it's just the entire thing with no chapters and a "~*~" separating each section. xD)

Those count as "section headings." Take them out and work the story until it transitions smoothly. Then replace. This was a piece of advice I got from a prof while I was working on a paper, and it did wonders for me. This, although fiction, is the same sort of problem so I think the same sort of solution should work.

I'm less than worried about your minor mistakes at the moment, simply because they are minor. Those you don't have to be worried about until the "final draft" stage. At the moment (especially if you are planning at all to work on the transitions) you don't know how many of the sentences you have are going to make it through the editing process.

If you still need a beta, I can probably do it. I can breath red ink when I need to. Send me what you want me to look over in a PM, and let me know what stage you are at. I read differently when people are looking for grammar editing than when people are looking for plot and consistency editing, so I do need to know what you want from me.

[mina352]

>>LadyViet92

Thank you! And sure, I'll PM you when I next update.

>>RD_the

Ah, no, I meant that they're currently supposed to be short, contained sections on their own. After thinking about it for a while, there's going to be a point where the story shifts and it'll be more of one flowing story instead of inter-connected sections, but until then I think I'm going to keep it this way.

Would you mind being my beta? That would be wonderful if you could! I'll PM over the next bits as I finish them, and I'll make sure to specify what kind of feed back I need. Thank you very much!

[mina352]

Shameless, whoring bump.

Next part should be ready in a few days!

[x__Death-Of-Glitter__x]

Yay!

I lurk this thread every day for the next chapter, just so you know.
The time setting is just awesome, by the way.

[Blue Torquise]

this story got my laughing rofl all the way. Everything he great, continue the good job mina

[mina352]

>>x__Death-Of-Glitter__x

I'm very flattered. (I think I'm mostly on a weekly basis? Though things look rocky in the distant...)

>>Blue Torquise

Glad it made you laugh. xD Hope you enjoy the rest!

[Blue Torquise]

Edit: this story got my laughing rofl all the way. Everything is great, continue the good job mina

Blue Torquise

this story got my laughing rofl all the way. Everything he great, continue the good job mina

[mina352]

Here's the next section! Apologies for the late-ness! Also, I don't know if anyone noticed, but the first post will have the history of updates for easier reference. :3

Chapter 4, Part II

Sam was nice. Not nice in the fact that he was gorgeous (which, you know, he kind of was) or brilliant (which, once again, he kind of was) but really, really nice in the way that he was the type of person who saved drowning puppies during their spare time or something like that. In the past month alone, Inartè had copied off Sam four times, borrowed his calculator twice, and stole about a mountain of loose-leaf paper in various classes. And this wasn’t even touching the part where Sam covered for him during Biology class.

Inartè knew that for most people this was considered normal, but when his previous high school were filled with people who either ignored him or the occasional a*****e who would shove him with a “get out of the way f*****t”, then yes, Sam was nice.

The ironic part of course, Inartè thought as he lined up in the cafeteria during lunch, was that as soon as Sam figured out that he was gay, all the niceness and happy-go-lucky-friendliness would evaporate just like what happened with half of his other friends. Sure, Josh and a few others in this school acted fine with it but that was always a rare and in-between thing like winning the lottery. Except when he lost, he lost something slightly more important than money.

His musings were cut short when the lunch lady kindly dumped onto his food tray a healthy helping of glop. Seriously, they couldn’t actually think he would eat this crap, could they? “Uh, what is this?” he asked, giving her a disbelieving look. “I mean... is this really human food?”

“It’s turkey lasagna, wise guy,” she said back, her voice as dry as the slice of bread he had received to go with the ‘turkey’. “Next!”

Eurgh. Half of the time, he skipped lunch for this exact reason. The teachers who said that teenagers can’t live off of chips and pop were just bullshitting. Obviously their memories had been so destroyed by the phrase “back in my days...” that they no longer remembered what decent food looked and tasted like.

He picked a deserted table in the corner to claim, and there was a fair bit of poking around with his food just to make sure what he was eating was actually dead before he started shoving the stuff into his mouth. Maybe taking a few pictures of the teenage population would cheer him up.

It did. So that was what he did for the next five or so minutes before someone said “hey!” and Inartè nearly dropped his camera in annoyance.

“What do you want?” he growled automatically before he realised that it was Sam who had spoken. He really should stop snapping at him. “…Hey.”

Sam, to his credit, didn’t seem offended at all. Maybe he was getting used to Inartè biting his head off. That... wasn’t good. “Mind if I sit with you?”

The hell? “Uh...” Inartè looked around him. Yep, still plenty of spaces open at other tables where more ‘normal’ people sat. It was one thing to sit with him in class but a complete another to sit with him at lunch. “You sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He sat down across from him and started unpacking his own homemade meal. It looked much better than what Inartè had. “Unless... I’m not bothering you, am I?”

“Not really,” he said, shrugging. “Why... why aren’t you sitting with your friends?”

“Most of them are at a fieldtrip,” Sam replied, and took a bite out of a sandwich that had real turkey in it. He chewed, and then swallowed. “That one with the beach? Yeah. And you looked kind of lonely so I figured, why not?”

“I’m not ‘lonely’,” he snapped back, feeling suddenly angry for some reason and took a rather vicious bite out of his own lunch. Oh boy. His stomach was going to kill him tonight if his tongue didn’t first. “And I don’t need your pity. Besides, you can’t seriously expect me to believe that all of your friends are on a fieldtrip.”

“Well, no.” He smiled. “You’re not.”

Inartè stared at him. Did he just. What?

Sam’s fingers fidgeted with his juice box. “Mind you, if I am bothering you, just say the word and I’ll leave. Oh, uh, look. Marlene’s table’s free!”

Inartè floundered for a moment for something to say and tried to make sure that Sam didn’t just see him hurl a dirty look in Marlene’s direction. “I... I. Ah. No, not a bother at all. Stay. As long as you like. I mean. Not. Not that long. Just. I.” There was a warm feeling in his cheeks, and it better not be what he thought it was. He cleared his throat. “So, uh. I see you have a chocolate cupcake for dessert.”

Suicide never seemed more appealing.

“Oh, this?” Sam held it up and offered it and, in turn, seemed to have ignored Inartè’s splutters. “You want it? I made it myself.”

Thankfully, his blush seemed to have died down, and he also seemed to have regained the ability to speak coherent, semi-intelligent sentences. “You can bake?”

Well, he never claimed the sentences were long.

“Yeah, I take baking.” Sam grinned at his surprised face.

“Really?” Oh sure, when he bakes, he’s a pansy, but when Sam bakes, nobody says a word.

“Mhm. I’m not trying to poison you with my cupcake or anything. I just think that what you’re eating is. Um.”

“Bad?”

Sam gave a small, nervous look behind him at the lunch ladies. “Well. I wouldn’t say that.”

He snorted and took the cupcake with one hand and pushed the plate of mush that he had been trying vainly to stomach away with the other. Trust Sam to be all goody-two-shoes when anybody else with eyes could tell that his lunch was only fit for prisoners of war. “I would. And I think I’m qualified to as well considering I have to eat it every single weekday. Say it with me. Baaaaad.”

“Sorry, I think I’m just a euphemism person.” The soccer captain prodded Inartè’s lunch cautiously with his own fork. Inartè could swear, on his mother’s twisted life, that the lunch squirmed. “Hmm. Interesting. I could go through an entire dictionary and still not come up with enough words to fully describe this concoction.”

“I could. Once again, bad. Horrid. Terrible. Disgusting. Lovechild of Satan and Hitler.” He smirked and took a bite out of the dessert that Sam gave him. It tasted amazingly good and about ten times better than anything anybody in his family could make. Figures. Mr. Perfect. “How’s that?”

“Now you’re just being mean.”

“No, no, no. It’s called telling the truth.”

“You can be mean by telling the truth.” Sam paused. “But, ah, telling the truth is still the right thing to do most of the time.” Most. Clearly Sam remembered the Biology incident as well as Inartè did.

“You kidding me? If I told everyone the truth about myself all the time, I would’ve been lynched two days into coming here!”

“Oh?” Mr. Perfect tiled his perfect head. “Like what?”

“Like...” He avoided eye contact in the least obvious way possible. Great, what was he suppose to say now? Actually admit that he actually thought Sam was good looking? “Uh... I don’t like our school’s logo?” Oh that was better. Appear like someone without a life.

Sam blinked.

“Well, it’s a really ugly logo!” he said defensively and then realised that he was actually trying to support his ridiculous point. “I mean, a penguin? How the hell is anybody supposed to take us seriously when we go in with something called the Antora Penguins? What are we going to do, waddle them to death?”

Sam gave a small laugh and said, still grinning, “You’re kind of interesting, you know that?”

“...Thanks.” Face burning up again and unsure of what to say, Inartè took another bite out of the cupcake. “I think.”

What was wrong with him?

Next section on the sixth page.

[Blue Torquise]

HAHAHAHA This part was funny, and about the penguins hilarious but for a second i thought sam would say "Really? I think penguins are pretty cute" But your part was better, huh, i haven't read any gay stories but this one caught my attention. Continue the stories, I'll be sure to support you -thumbs up and grins-