Finding Mr. Perfect - A Gay High School Romance (Updated)

Can you see the story working as a comic?

Yes	56.4%	[ 22 ]
No	7.7%	[ 3 ]
Somewhat	20.5%	[ 8 ]
Gold!	15.4%	[ 6 ]
Total Votes:			[ 39 ]

[Deathberry15]

....i love you. >i almost had a freaking heart attack when i saw the new peice was up, i had to reread the first few lines because i was to excited. >sigh< okay then, i went through and reread it a second time, this time in hopes of giving some constructive criticism and here's want i got, take it or leave it, it's up to you just please keep updating this story:

Quote:

Ever since that one time incident,

okay, you either need to add a comma in between time and incident or remove one of them "time" or "incident" or you could rephrase it, but as it reads now i find it a little off.

Quote:

Inartè plugged his ears. That may have not been the best course of action.

this seems to be the point at which, upon close obserrvation, you seem to start to slip with the tense you're using. it seems to me that for the most part you've been using past tense narrationup until this point >at least in this particular segment of the story< if you follow that tense choice the above is inconsistant, unless it's his thought but if is it it's rather unclearly so.

if you wanted to fix it you couuld change "That" to "which" and compound the sentence. with the proper infliction on the sentence i think "which" can serve just as well in the sentence.

Quote:

There was a moment of silence where the world as human kind knew it skidded to a stop before she turned to him, and suddenly, she was all smiles.

xd no edit here, just love how bipolar the teacher is and how you did the abnormal mood trasition! >love!< heart

Quote:

“Really?” How the hell can Sam do a better kicked puppy expression when Inartè’s been taking drama for three years, he’ll never know.

Again the proper tense is a little off.

"how the hell could Sam do a better kicked puppy expression when Inarte had been taking drama for three years, he'd never know."

the tense was just flip floppy.

now that i'm done with that, >drool< i love you!!!! OMG!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! mrgreen wink whee whee 3nodding 3nodding xd blaugh 4laugh 4laugh heart heart heart 4laugh 4laugh heart heart whee whee whee whee blaugh blaugh xd xd 3nodding 3nodding 3nodding 4laugh 4laugh heart heart

.....okay, heehee, thanks again for the read!!!! keep up the good work!!!!

DB15

[mina352]

>> Deathbrry15

Thanks so much for pointing out my errors again! heart

Fixed the first line; the second one, I think it was because I used "have" instead of "had"; and LOL last one, I will just bury my head in the ground and pretend I never made that mistake. OTL

Once again, thanks for taking the time and combing through it for errors! <3333

[Celestial Terror]

Yay! You added more. Well, you said you like nitpicks, so here you go:

Quote:

She glowered at the glass and seemed, to Inartè’s horror...

I believe you mean 'class' rather than 'glass'. Just a small error, but of course, me, not realizing that at first, was like, "What...?"

Quote:

Their small talk died down when their teacher started ripping last minute essays from the class’ hands and Inartè almost, almost gulped when she...

I think there should be a comma after the word 'hands', as it is a compound sentence.

Quote:

“Mr. Black no doubt you think you are very funny.” She slammed his essay down on his desk and Sam, beside him, winced.

When I first read this, I thought something seemed a bit off, but I've now spotted it out. The dialogue just seems a bit off to me. First, there should be a comma after 'Mr. Black', and I feel it would be better to end the dialogue with an exclamation mark rather than a period.

Quote:

“Did you...” he whispered, “Did you just... lie to a teacher?”

The second 'did' shouldn't be capitalized.

---

I think Deathberry got the others. Anyway, keep up the good work! You've got me hooked. Your characters are wonderful.

[mina352]

>> Celestial Terror

Yay nitpicks! *throws confetti*

Oh god, "glass". I just. I don't. *smacks fingers* How the heck did I miss that? xDDD

Hmm, for Mrs. Sharpain's rant, I was going for the effect of someone spitting out a large amount of words in a short amount of time rather forcefully, which was why there isn't a comma after "Mr. Black" and it's a period instead of an exclamation mark at the end as she isn't really shouting. Maybe I should removes the spaces between the words instead to emphasize that?

Anyways, thanks for the look-through and glad to hear that you're still enjoy! biggrin

[Transparently Insane]

I never thought that I would find something interesting to read on Gaia.

: ) Though, critiquing is not my cup of tea..

[mina352]

Transparently Insane

I never thought that I would find something interesting to read on Gaia.

: ) Though, critiquing is not my cup of tea..

Thank you! And don't worry about critiquing if you don't want to; I'm just glad you're enjoying it. :3

[Aris the Squeak]

This is really really really awesome!!

I seriously love that mood swing of the teacher!! and the way you did it was brilliant as well!!!

[mina352]

Arika Susena

This is really really really awesome!!

I seriously love that mood swing of the teacher!! and the way you did it was brilliant as well!!!

Thank you! : D (I had a French teacher who was almost exactly like her. Brr.)

Also, being the doinky person that I am, I made three Inny icons for MSN and LJ:

1. 2. 3.

OH YEAH. I AM SO CONSISTANT IN MY DRAWING STYLE AND COLOURS. OTL

[Steve Loves You Muchly]

That teacher was scary as hell. I love how she just melts, though, when she talks to Sam. It just made it even better.

[mina352]

LotusxLien

That teacher was scary as hell. I love how she just melts, though, when she talks to Sam. It just made it even better.

Haha, awesome. I was almost afraid she wasn't scary enough. The teachers all like Sam. The students, on the other hand...

[DarkDaisuke9]

Awesome story ^_^ Keeping me entertained very well ^_^

[mina352]

DarkDaisuke9

Awesome story ^_^ Keeping me entertained very well ^_^

Thank you! The part should be up soon. : D

[Captain tohru honda]

nuuu!! come back stry!!! lol i freakin love it!!!! something tells me sam is gay^.^ *huggles inarte* so cute.

[mina352]

Captain tohru honda

nuuu!! come back stry!!! lol i freakin love it!!!! something tells me sam is gay^.^ *huggles inarte* so cute.

Haha, no worries, this story isn't going anywhere. xD

Sam? Sam? Why good ol' Sam's a transsexu - *is shot*

[mina352]

This section introduces the last of Inartè's friends at Antora, Mike. He's a... well let's just say he's a little special. (Sorry for the shortness! Don't worry, next section's pretty long)

Chapter 4, Part I

Mike was in his drama class and – believe it or not – the only other gay person that went to the school. Statistically speaking, Inartè thought, every tenth person he saw in the hallways should’ve been a potential fairy, but statistics in real life only applied from twelve to one pm every other day when he had math class.

When he first met the boy, Mike had walked up to him after class, glanced at him up and down from his beaten up sneakers to his overlarge hoodie and said, rather calmly, “You’re gay.”

“What,” he had said back.

“You’re gay,” Mike said again, his face completely blank and emotionless like it was totally okay to say that to somebody, true or not.

“...No, I’m not.” He made his best ‘straight’ face. Then he remembered that he had the wrong reaction of a heterosexual person being called gay. “I mean. Eww, oh man, that’s sick, what’s wrong with you of course I’m straight. Tits. It’s all about tits for me. And. Uh. God, what else do girls have? Vaginas. There we go. I love vaginas.”

“It’s okay,” Mike began again, and oh god, does the boy even have facial expressions? “I know. I have a gaydar and its never been wrong before.”

“The ********,” Inartè began as well, “is a gaydar?”

“Look at me and you’ll know.”

Of course, the first thing that Inartè wanted to do was tell the kid that he was stoned off his a** and maybe he should find a place to lie down, but then he looked. Dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and a face that was dark as well. Mike looked normal with normal clothes and a normal voice, but then something clicked and he knew.

“Oh my god,” he breathed. “You’re gay too.”

“Bi.” There might have been a flicker of a smile. Later on, Inartè would learn that Mike’s smile was the eighth wonder of the world. “Good try though.”

“But that. That.” He frowned and had a strange look on his face. “The hell. That’s not. So you just know this s**t? Like, you look at a person and you know?”

“Only if they know,” the creepy radar boy explained. “If they don’t know then I don’t know. I think it’s fair. You though. You broadcast those waves like a radio station. Might want to tone it down.”

“Tone what down?” he snapped, but checked himself over just in case. Nothing he wore was brighter than a rainy day and yeah, he had earrings, but there were loads of guys at school who did as well. “I don’t. I’m not. I’m not an x-ray machine. I don’t have waves.”

Mike shrugged and picked at his ears. “I’m simply warning you. I don’t think anyone else in this school can tell like me, but just in case.”

“Just in case of what?” he demanded. Potential people to prepare for? And hey, look at that. Alliteration.

“Oh right. You’re new. Five years ago, December sixteenth. Look it up.”

Mike didn’t say anymore on that. Even now, months later when they were pretty much friends, the guy still wouldn't tell him who else in the blasted school can apparently pick up these mysterious ‘gay’ waves or even what the waves are. Inartè tried to hone his gaydar (seriously, what the hell was it?), but after the initial encounter with Mike, it never worked again.

Next section on the fourth page.