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nanase12
I LOVE it. In the beginning, it was kinda weird in terms of flow, but the story line is amazing! MORE I need more!!!

By the way, how do you pronounce Inarte's name?


Thank you so much! Yeah, I do have to agree that the beginning was a bit weird (first time trying to write in the style, so it started off a bit wobbly legged, I think. I'll probably go back and re-write it when I have more time).

I've been calling him in-nAR-tay, but feel free to say it however you want. xD
Okay, so no romance development in this section, but nothing wrong with giving Inartè interactions outside of Sam, so... xD

Chapter 3, Part I

So Inartè didn’t believe in the whole ‘best friends forever’ kind of crap, but if one was to ask him who his was, he would probably answer Fred Ink. Fred spilled pop on his favourite shirt the first time they met and Inartè, in return, had picked up his Sloppy Joe and carefully smeared it into the other teen’s face. It was all uphill from there.

“Hey, Twinkles!” Fred called out to him in their shared photography class as he gave a casual wave. He was wearing green cargo pants, a t-shirt that would only look flattering on a diseased monkey, and his trademark shark-toothed grin. “Man, is this the only class you’re actually on time for?”

“No. Yes.” Inartè dropped his bag next to the table beside Fred and punched him on the shoulder. “Not everyone’s after perfect attendance like you.”

“Ow. And my attendance is only perfect if we compare it to your spotty little thing. I mean the only thing you’re always there for is lunch.” Fred rubbed at the spot that Inartè punched him on and pulled up a chair for him. “Sit, my neon striped friend, sit.”

He tugged lightly at his highlighted hair and sat. “What’s the matter, my hair bothering you or something?”

His a*****e of a friend shrugged. “Not really. Just always wondering how many more colours you can dump in before they arrest you for being radioactive. Did you add in another Perfect Purple in there since I last saw you?”

“It’s Fantastic Fuchsia, actually,” Inartè shot back, giving Fred a shove. It was still early in the morning and for once, he hadn’t actually woken up half an hour after school had started. “So shutting up about my hair for a moment here you big sissy, did you start yet on our project?”

Fred gave him a blank look. “What project?”

Inartè returned the look. “The project.”

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and ******** it all if Fred did not answer him soon, Inartè was going to sucker punch him into next week.

Then it must’ve clicked. “That project!” Fred exclaimed, looking as if a light bulb went on above his goddamn head. “Yeah! Yeah! I remember now! I didn’t... well, okay, I didn’t do any of it yet – s**t, that thing’s due next week, isn’t it? And I’m working with you – s**t, s**t, s**t – um, okay. Okay, let’s work through this together as a team.”

Inartè levelled him a look. It was the look that he usually reserved for Josh – when he wouldn’t shut up about the migration patterns of gays in relation to fruit flies – and his sister – when she wouldn’t shut up about sewing needles. “Fred,” he began sweetly, “I love you. I love you as much as a homosexual man can love another male without going into the creepy sinning category, but my love does not extend over to affecting my Photography class mark.”

The other teen opened and closed his mouth like a particularly stupid snapping turtle. “I hear you chief, loud and clear.”

Inartè made two short taps on the table in front of him with his finger. One. Two.

“So, uh...” Fred attempted a smile. Failed. “I’m guessing you’re not going to let me leech off of you like a good friend this time, huh?”

“Read my lips,” he snarled, wishing for the first time in his life that his geekatude extended to the degree of physically assaulting a man over homework. “En. Oh. Exclamation mark.”

“’Nartè! ’Nartè!” Fred started to wail, clinging onto his arm like a drowning lemur. Inartè tried shaking him off. It didn’t work. “Buddy! Pal! Have a heart! Have a soul! Have a – have a human conscience!”

Oh god. Today was going to be a long day, wasn’t it?

Next section lower down on this page.
The only errors I saw were nothing that couldn't be fixed with a little proofreading, mostly just places where you need commas (I don't want to be the annoying person that nitpicks every little thing, so I'm sure you'll find them lol). Other than those tiny errors, nice job. (:
Celestial Terror
The only errors I saw were nothing that couldn't be fixed with a little proofreading, mostly just places where you need commas (I don't want to be the annoying person that nitpicks every little thing, so I'm sure you'll find them lol). Other than those tiny errors, nice job. (:


No, no! I love nitpicks! If you wouldn't mind, can you please tell me where I messed up?
Aris the Squeak's avatar
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Ohhhh this is really good!!

Im really looking forward to the next bit!!
Alright, haha. But like I said, no real errors. Just places where commas could be added and few tiny other things.

Quote:
The sun was shining, the birds were singing and ******** it all if Fred did not answer him soon...


There should be a comma after singing. (Oh, and I like this sentence btw. Amusing...not the exact word I'm looking for, but you get the point.)

Quote:
Inartè levelled him a look that he only reserved for Josh when he wouldn’t shut up about the migration patterns of gays in relation to fruit flies and his sister when she got out of hand with sewing needles.


I thought this sentence was really long, and while...clever, maybe you could shorten it up a bit, or do something lessen its length? To make it flow better and all.

Quote:
“So shutting up about my hair for a moment here you girl, did you start yet on our project?”


I dunno why, but the whole 'you girl' bit right there sounds awkward. I think it would sound better if maybe you split it into two sentences, reading something like: "So, shut up about my hair for a moment, you girl. Did you start on our project yet?" Something like that.

Quote:
Oh god, today was going to be a long day wasn’t it?


Comma after day.

---

I will add more if I see anything. But you're pretty good as far as grammar/spelling goes, better than a lot of the works I've seen on here, lol.
This is definitely a good start. It pulled me in and kept me interested as any good piece of writing should be able to do.
I liked the sort of...witty narration going on in the beginning. Very unique style.

The only thing that confuses me a bit is why it's apparantly such a big deal that
Inartè is gay? (Love the name, by the way.) I mean, do you really have to remind us of that every two paragraphs?
I guess it could just be him personally, so you can ignore that if you'd like. rolleyes

Also, I did spot a few grammatical errors, but I think Celestial Terror got most of them, so no worries.
I'll definately be watching this one. wink
Deathberry15's avatar
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Quote:
“So shutting up about my hair for a moment here you girl, did you start yet on our project?”
Quote:


okay so....i don't know if it's just me or what but i can't figure out what you're trying to say right here. :"here you girl" ??? what? if you could clear that up that'd be great.

Quote:
a t-shirt that wouldn’t look flattering on a diseased monkey
Quote:


i know this one came before the other one but whatever, i'm just trying to figure out how to quote all this stuff correctly. >hopefully everything comes up okay in the post<

a shirt that wouldn't look good on a diseased monkey..... no offense but i can't think of any shirt that would look good on a diseased monkey. unless you were trying to complement his clothes, then it's just a easily looked over typo and all you've got to do is change 'wouldn't' to 'would'.

over all great story though, i just read all three parts today. Why are you putting "part 1" after the chapter number though? if there is only going to be one part you don't really need it. you've got a good handle on the story though and the 'flow' is better than what my mind spastically gives me to write. i love the periodic lines that show up though, like little sparkles that make the whole story a little happier. lol. but really, keep writing!!!! i don't know about grammar and stuff like that, i only really pay attention to stuff like that when i'm intentionally editing or unsure of a character's inflection on their dialouge or when i can't find the story catchy enough to keep my attention. >but you didn't have that promblam so while that's good on the one hand on the other i can't give you any suggestions or grammar fixes<

still, it looks like Celestial Terror's got you covered there! >impressed<

but hey,hey, hey! you're writing impresses me too! i never seem to be able to write in chapters. I'ma keep following this story though, so you better keep writing, kays? <3
keep up the good work!

DB15

PS. i love his 'radioactive' hair~!
>> Celestial Terror

YOU. ARE. AMAZING. *clings on like Fred* Thank you so, so much for pointing all of them out for me! *headdesks for not picking some of it out herself* THANK YOU!

>>LotusxLien

LOL I think you're the only one who likes the intro so far. xD *is itching to re-write it herself, actually* But thank you!

Ahh, yeah, about the gay, there's three main reasons for that.

One is that it's set in the early 90's (I think I'm tentatively placing it around 1990) and back then, it was much less tolerant of homo/bi/transexual people (I mean, even during the late 90's, a girl was practically lynched on fanfiction.net if she wrote "yaoi" or "BL" ) than now.

Second is that it's not just a small town, it's a small Christian that's very much anti-gay. As it's shown later, there's only one other gay person in the entire town asides from Inartè, and that person also hides it from everyone he knows. That's why, for people like Josh who are semi-okay with it (and later on shows that even he isn't as cool with it as he pretends), it's a big deal that they have a gay person in their town (Inartè's only been there for a short time too, so he's even more of an 'attraction') so people like him and Sally don't know quite how to act around him and they bring up his sexuality way more often.

The final reason (and this is why I hate answering questions - I always get sidetracked and spew out long and tedius essays OTL) is that Inartè himself isn't as comfortable with the fact that he's gay as he tells himself he is. Something happened when he was fourteen (which I will have in the story, provided I can fit it in) that really shook up his self-confidence in relation to his sexuality. Also, he's lived fifteen years of his life in a big city, going to big city schools where everyone knew that he was gay and he's not quite sure how to act 'straight' or even what the hell acting straight is supposed to be as the last time he checked, he didn't have a giant sign labelled 'GAY' on his forehead. He's also very, very unused to being in a town completely filled with people who are homophobic and there are only three or four people than he can actually talk to.

Also, haha, you're lucky with your friends then. (I'm bi myself, and my friends tend to crack jokes all the time about my sexuality. xD)

...Oh god, I am so sorry for writing an essay on that. *smacks self*
Hope you don't mind me answering you in a different post; I thought the last one was a bit too cluttered. xD

Deathberry15

i know this one came before the other one but whatever, i'm just trying to figure out how to quote all this stuff correctly. >hopefully everything comes up okay in the post<

a shirt that wouldn't look good on a diseased monkey..... no offense but i can't think of any shirt that would look good on a diseased monkey. unless you were trying to complement his clothes, then it's just a easily looked over typo and all you've got to do is change 'wouldn't' to 'would'.


Ahh, for quoting, just type out what you want to quote, highlight it, and then press the "Quote" button. :3

I knew there was something bothering me about that sentence. xD (Thanks for pointing it out! If you didn't, it would've probably fallen into the realms of my "gee, maybe I should fix that soon..." and then I'll never, ever get it done. *fail*)

Deathberry15

Why are you putting "part 1" after the chapter number though? if there is only going to be one part you don't really need it.


Desi the fuzzy fluffhead mentioned that my "chapters" were too long, and I thought she definitely had a point when I saw the lengths of other posters on this forum, so I broke it up for convenience purposes, I guess. (When I write FMP, I don't break it up into chapters, but rather segments, but I thought that two segments - one involving Inartè interacting with someone in his life and one with him interacting with Sam - would make a decent "chapter" )

Thank you very much for the compliments! I will try my best to keep up the quality(?) as best as I can! 3nodding

(I like his hair very much too, and I do apologize if my sig, with my awesome animu style, destroys anyone's image of the poor boy. xD)

Next part should be up soon!
mina352
>>LotusxLien

LOL I think you're the only one who likes the intro so far. xD *is itching to re-write it herself, actually* But thank you!

Ahh, yeah, about the gay, there's three main reasons for that.

One is that it's set in the early 90's (I think I'm tentatively placing it around 1990) and back then, it was much less tolerant of homo/bi/transexual people (I mean, even during the late 90's, a girl was practically lynched on fanfiction.net if she wrote "yaoi" or "BL" ) than now.

Second is that it's not just a small town, it's a small Christian that's very much anti-gay. As it's shown later, there's only one other gay person in the entire town asides from Inartè, and that person also hides it from everyone he knows. That's why, for people like Josh who are semi-okay with it (and later on shows that even he isn't as cool with it as he pretends), it's a big deal that they have a gay person in their town (Inartè's only been there for a short time too, so he's even more of an 'attraction') so people like him and Sally don't know quite how to act around him and they bring up his sexuality way more often.

The final reason (and this is why I hate answering questions - I always get sidetracked and spew out long and tedius essays OTL) is that Inartè himself isn't as comfortable with the fact that he's gay as he tells himself he is. Something happened when he was fourteen (which I will have in the story, provided I can fit it in) that really shook up his self-confidence in relation to his sexuality. Also, he's lived fifteen years of his life in a big city, going to big city schools where everyone knew that he was gay and he's not quite sure how to act 'straight' or even what the hell acting straight is supposed to be as the last time he checked, he didn't have a giant sign labelled 'GAY' on his forehead. He's also very, very unused to being in a town completely filled with people who are homophobic and there are only three or four people than he can actually talk to.

Also, haha, you're lucky with your friends then. (I'm bi myself, and my friends tend to crack jokes all the time about my sexuality. xD)

Oh god, I am so sorry for writing all that. *smacks self*


I like it, but it could stand to be re-written. Anything could be improved if you try.
3nodding
However, I definately think you should continue to work in the sort of humorous aspect of the narration...it's what makes it more interesting.

And now that you explain it in more detail, I can definately see how mentioning it so much would fit in with the story. I'm glad you're not just throwing it in there for the hell of it. xD
Don't worry about the length of the explanation--sometimes I tend to go off on wild tangents, too.

Now that that's all nice and cleared up, I'll certainly be waiting for the next update!
Haha, you're welcome!

I'm interested to see how this turns out. I live in a homophobic, small, Christian town and it seems like you're going to be showing more aspects of discrimination, which is good & realistic, as if I mention my support of the LGBT community people think I'm crazy. rolleyes

Anyway, like Lotus said, definitely keep up that sarcastic/humorous narration you've got going on there, it's very interesting to read.

Look forward to the next bit! (:
Deathberry15's avatar
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Haha, no problem, no problem. That's for answering though, i really appreciate it. and thank's for the info on the "qoute" thing too. >i'll keep it in mind for next time i need it, but with my crappy computer i don't know if it'll let me, lol.<

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

DB15
You've gotten em all addicted and happy ^^ This is amazing and now it needs a little bump, you should update it soon!
Thank you everyone for your support and I hope you enjoy the new addition!

Chapter 3, Part II

Ever since that one time, Sam started sitting next to him in Biology class. Inartè didn’t mind, not really. While it had been nice having an empty desk next to him to dump his extra crap on, Sam was a pretty decent guy and hell, he could be sitting next to Jacob the Nose Picker instead.

“Oh, I see you did your homework this time,” Sam commented as he sat down in his new seat and started pulling out his binders and his pencil case. “I think I have a gold star somewhere. Want it?” Inartè stared at him weirdly for a moment before the other teen cracked a grin and said, “Joking. Don’t take me so literally all the time.”

“I dunno.” Inartè held up his essay on water molecules and squinted at it. “Maybe I would’ve been better off if I had just copied off of you instead. I seem to end up with better marks that way than if I actually did my own homework.”

“Hey,” Sam said, pulling out his own essay from the front of his binder. “Learning is an active process. Copying off of someone will get you nowhere in life. If you want to learn, then you have to do your own work.”

Inartè glanced over at him wryly. “Did you try that on Josh as well?”

“Yeah.”

“Did it work?”

“Considering he phoned me last night at two in the morning, sounding as if he just got home from some sort of party, begging me for my History notes...” The bell for the start of class rang and Mrs. Sharpain fluttered in. She glowered at the class and seemed, to Inartè’s horror, more like a banshee than the human she actually was. “I’m going with a no.”

Their small talk died down when their teacher started ripping last minute essays from the class’ hands, and Inartè almost, almost gulped when she looked down at him over her semi-circle glasses. “Mr. Black,” she began, her voice carrying what Inartè suspected must be the result of either a shrivelled mummy granted life or thirty years worth of smoking, “what is this?”

She waved his essay in front of his face. First Josh, now her. Did people think he was blind?

“Uh... my essay?” he tried.

“It is,” she began again, punctuating each word with a small shake of his fully-completed-on-time-without-cheating-thank-you-very-much essay, “written in pencil.”

No s**t. He wrote the damn thing. “So?”

Mr. Black no doubt you think you are very funny.” She slammed his essay down on his desk and Sam, beside him, winced. “Well you are not. Do you not remember the criteria I have set out in the beginning of this year? About how I only accept essays and formal assignments in black or blue ink? Do you?”

“I, uh... well...” His lips felt dry. “No. Not really, no.”

“I see. I see.” Okay, so she could see from her bulging eyes. He got it. “You, Mr. Black, are a prime example of what I would call –”

Oh no. Please no. Not again.

“– The downfall of society due to –”

Inartè plugged his ears. That may had not been the best course of action.

“That is it!” she screeched, jabbing a boney finger in the direction of the door as she did. For a moment, he almost thought that she would spontaneously combust due to her rage. “Get out! Get out now you ungrateful and unsociable little –”

“Mrs. Sharpain?” Sam asked timidly, interrupting her rant. “Can I say something?”

There was a moment of silence where the world as humankind knew it skidded to a stop before she turned to him, and suddenly, she was all smiles. That’s right. Mrs. Sharpain smiled. “Why yes, Mr. Irving, what is it?”

Inartè felt his jaw drop. Did Mrs. Vulture just do a complete one-eighty from when she had been screeching at him to when she was talking to Sam? No. ********. Way. Why was life so unfair?

“It’s... it’s my fault,” Sam said, lowering his head and biting his lips. “Inartè asked me yesterday night if it was okay to do it in pencil and I thought it was so I told him so. I completely forgot about the rules you mentioned in the beginning of the year. Please, blame me. If I wasn’t so forgetful all the time...”

If his jaw had not already dropped...

“Oh Mr. Irving,” the previously known as the school’s most feared teacher said in a disturbingly sympathetic voice, “it’s not your fault. Yes, if it was anything, I should have made it clearer! Don’t blame yourself for such a silly thing!”

“Really?” How the hell could Sam do a better kicked puppy expression when Inartè had been taking drama for three years, he’d never know.

“Of course, of course. Isn’t there a Walk for Cancer event that you are organizing next week as well? Such small lapses of memory are common under times of stress so please, Mr. Irving, don’t you worry about a thing!” Then she turned to look at Inartè and all the warmth in her eyes shrivelled up and died a slow and painful death. “Mr. Black, in the light of Mr. Irving explaining the situation, this time I will take in the work. Do not repeat the same mistake again.”

He blinked just make sure what had just happened had just happened. “Yes, ma’am,” Inartè finally said, and gave a mock salute for good measure. She, on the other hand, gave him another glare before moving on.

After a bit, the class returned to normal though there were still quite a few hushed whispers of ‘teacher’s pet’ circulating around the room. No need to guess who that was directed at. What Inartè was still puzzling over was what exactly had just happened. The school’s pride and joy, Sam Irving, just saved his a** by lying to the teacher.

“Did you...” he whispered, “did you just... lie to a teacher?”

Sam scratched his cheek in embarrassment. “I... well... I thought it would be unfair if you got into trouble for something as small as that. I mean, you at least did the work all on your own and finished it on time.”

He was still flabbergasted. “You... you’re...”

Sam gave him a small, hesitant smile. “Did I overstep? Sorry.”

“You’re apologizing to me? You –”

No talking!” Mrs. Sharpain yelled suddenly and they both went back to their notes, a little awkward.

They spent the rest of the class in silence with Sam actually paying avid attention to the lesson and Inartè feeling... Well, he didn’t quite know what the strange, twisting feeling in the pit of his stomach was but whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.

Next section on the third page.

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