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Devoted Phantom

I started writing a story, I'm not sure how good it is yet so I need some feedback,
I want to know how you feel about it after you read the pilot.
First Impressions.
What you'd like to read next.
Is it a good start?
Is there anything that doesn't sound good or could be changed?
How could I make it better if it's not good.
And would you like to read the story after it if there was any, or it doesn't sound interesting.
Please be honest.

This is where you can find the Pilot.

Thanks for your time.

Lonely Hunter

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Miss Jarbas Emanuel
She opened her eyes and blinked, she had no idea where she was, not even who she was, still, she knew something was wrong, something had happened but she couldn’t remember anything at all.


I can see that you want an air of mystery but this is way to vague. we as the readers need something to go off, what are we supposed to be seeing here. and also how could she tell something was wrong or something had happened? things like feeling something is wrong and a failure to remember are pretty big things that you should unpack, here you kind of just gloss over them. try showing a character trying to remember, talk about the things that make them feel uneasy etc.

Miss Jarbas Emanuel
It was cold, the stone floor was freezing and she could feel a soft breeze coming from the ajar wooden door. It was as if it was a dream, everything was too strange, too odd, there was no pain, and there were no feelings. It was nothing… nothing at all.


why is it like a dream? why is it strange and why is it odd? also try not to tell us what there isn't, tell us what there is. We have very little to go off so the last thing you want to do is give us less to go off.

Miss Jarbas Emanuel

Slowly, she managed to stand up and was able to glance at her hands: they were dirtied with dirt, but there was also some sticky red colored sort of liquid among it.


Why wouldn't she be able to glance at her hands? You wrote that as if looking at her hands was an accomplishment. and is the sticky red coloured sort of liquid blood? you can just say its blood, be descriptive still but 'red coloured sort of liquid is just needlessly vague.

Miss Jarbas Emanuel
Her stomach was upset but she managed to drag herself outside of that cold place. She felt a feeling of euphoric happiness run through the palms of her hands when she saw the beautiful landscape with trees covered in snow and the sky in tones of pink. She pulled herself down the stairs and felt the snow under her bare feet. After a while she felt a shiver down her spine and started to walk over the village she could still see on the horizon.


Don't gloss over her stomach pain, how did she react to the pain in the stomach. did she wince, was she surprised to find she was in pain. what kind of pain is it? does she have a bullet wound or a case of the runs. 'outside of that cold place' we still don't know anything about this cold place. all we know is that its cold, has a stone floor and an ajar wooden door. We don't even know if it was indoors or not.

How can happiness run through the palms of your hands. what does that even mean? okay its good that we get a bit of description, she sees a lush wintery forrest at dawn/dusk but why does this make her happy? she just woke up with a feeling of uneasiness and no memory, covered with dirt and blood whilst enduring stomach pain of some kind. why does the sight of the forrest make her feel euphoric?

'she pulled herself down the steps ', 'started to walk over to the village', where did these steps come from? where did the village come from. why didn't you mention this when you were describing the woodlands?

Miss Jarbas Emanuel

It was a ghostly cold, yet, superb view. Pale green trees roaming the white snow, small snowflakes blurring the sky and vague traces of footprints on the snow wending towards the village. She started to run with all her strength against the snow covering her knees that was slowing her down, she instinctively knew she would freeze if she didn’t started to move in the iced trail. She pursued her new journey towards the lights. As she approached the village the snow started to lower until there were barely any traces of it left under her feet.


'She started to run with all her strength against the snow covering her knees that was slowing her down' I'd suggest reviewing this sentence. also the word 'instinctively' feels really out of place here. everyone knows that if you're out barefoot in that much snow, you'll freeze to death so writing 'she instinctively knew she would freeze' is kind of redundant. also how long has she been out there, we don't have any reference to how long she's been out there so we don't really know how much danger she's in.

Miss Jarbas Emanuel
She walked down the main street and roamed around, no one. She walked inside a building, no one. She searched a house, no one. The village was completely empty, some of the houses were barricaded and the stores were pillaged.


is this really the only description we get of the village? and if this village is completely empty why are the lights on?

Miss Jarbas Emanuel

Then she heard steps, and glanced behind her as she felt the sweet scent of food. She growled hungrily and started to walk towards the two silhouettes who had tried to save her but weren’t able to. She felt water grow in her mouth as the figures approached her with teary eyes.

“We’re sorry, Bullet, we were too late”

The voice echoed through her ears like a soft breeze and no reaction was made before a sharp shaped bullet hit her brain, making the dead fall on the floor once again. This time for good.


she growled hungrily? is she feral? and what do you mean the two silhouettes who had tried to save her but were unable to? Show! do not tell! imagine if this was a movie, how would you show that bit of information? it comes out of nowhere, its vague yet you know its important. aAlso sharp isn't a shape, that doesn't make any sense. also, how are the two new characters silhouetted? were they behind a lit screen? if you wanted people to imagine two blacked out figures just write that they were caked in shadow or something to that affect.

'making the dead fall on the floor once again' was she dead before? nothing you mentioned indicated that. is the twist that she was a zombie or something?

Devoted Phantom

Jin_of_the_thunder
Miss Jarbas Emanuel
She opened her eyes and blinked, she had no idea where she was, not even who she was, still, she knew something was wrong, something had happened but she couldn’t remember anything at all.


I can see that you want an air of mystery but this is way to vague. we as the readers need something to go off, what are we supposed to be seeing here. and also how could she tell something was wrong or something had happened? things like feeling something is wrong and a failure to remember are pretty big things that you should unpack, here you kind of just gloss over them. try showing a character trying to remember, talk about the things that make them feel uneasy etc.

Miss Jarbas Emanuel
It was cold, the stone floor was freezing and she could feel a soft breeze coming from the ajar wooden door. It was as if it was a dream, everything was too strange, too odd, there was no pain, and there were no feelings. It was nothing… nothing at all.


why is it like a dream? why is it strange and why is it odd? also try not to tell us what there isn't, tell us what there is. We have very little to go off so the last thing you want to do is give us less to go off.

Miss Jarbas Emanuel

Slowly, she managed to stand up and was able to glance at her hands: they were dirtied with dirt, but there was also some sticky red colored sort of liquid among it.


Why wouldn't she be able to glance at her hands? You wrote that as if looking at her hands was an accomplishment. and is the sticky red coloured sort of liquid blood? you can just say its blood, be descriptive still but 'red coloured sort of liquid is just needlessly vague.

Miss Jarbas Emanuel
Her stomach was upset but she managed to drag herself outside of that cold place. She felt a feeling of euphoric happiness run through the palms of her hands when she saw the beautiful landscape with trees covered in snow and the sky in tones of pink. She pulled herself down the stairs and felt the snow under her bare feet. After a while she felt a shiver down her spine and started to walk over the village she could still see on the horizon.


Don't gloss over her stomach pain, how did she react to the pain in the stomach. did she wince, was she surprised to find she was in pain. what kind of pain is it? does she have a bullet wound or a case of the runs. 'outside of that cold place' we still don't know anything about this cold place. all we know is that its cold, has a stone floor and an ajar wooden door. We don't even know if it was indoors or not.

How can happiness run through the palms of your hands. what does that even mean? okay its good that we get a bit of description, she sees a lush wintery forrest at dawn/dusk but why does this make her happy? she just woke up with a feeling of uneasiness and no memory, covered with dirt and blood whilst enduring stomach pain of some kind. why does the sight of the forrest make her feel euphoric?

'she pulled herself down the steps ', 'started to walk over to the village', where did these steps come from? where did the village come from. why didn't you mention this when you were describing the woodlands?

Miss Jarbas Emanuel

It was a ghostly cold, yet, superb view. Pale green trees roaming the white snow, small snowflakes blurring the sky and vague traces of footprints on the snow wending towards the village. She started to run with all her strength against the snow covering her knees that was slowing her down, she instinctively knew she would freeze if she didn’t started to move in the iced trail. She pursued her new journey towards the lights. As she approached the village the snow started to lower until there were barely any traces of it left under her feet.


'She started to run with all her strength against the snow covering her knees that was slowing her down' I'd suggest reviewing this sentence. also the word 'instinctively' feels really out of place here. everyone knows that if you're out barefoot in that much snow, you'll freeze to death so writing 'she instinctively knew she would freeze' is kind of redundant. also how long has she been out there, we don't have any reference to how long she's been out there so we don't really know how much danger she's in.

Miss Jarbas Emanuel
She walked down the main street and roamed around, no one. She walked inside a building, no one. She searched a house, no one. The village was completely empty, some of the houses were barricaded and the stores were pillaged.


is this really the only description we get of the village? and if this village is completely empty why are the lights on?

Miss Jarbas Emanuel

Then she heard steps, and glanced behind her as she felt the sweet scent of food. She growled hungrily and started to walk towards the two silhouettes who had tried to save her but weren’t able to. She felt water grow in her mouth as the figures approached her with teary eyes.

“We’re sorry, Bullet, we were too late”

The voice echoed through her ears like a soft breeze and no reaction was made before a sharp shaped bullet hit her brain, making the dead fall on the floor once again. This time for good.


she growled hungrily? is she feral? and what do you mean the two silhouettes who had tried to save her but were unable to? Show! do not tell! imagine if this was a movie, how would you show that bit of information? it comes out of nowhere, its vague yet you know its important. aAlso sharp isn't a shape, that doesn't make any sense. also, how are the two new characters silhouetted? were they behind a lit screen? if you wanted people to imagine two blacked out figures just write that they were caked in shadow or something to that affect.

'making the dead fall on the floor once again' was she dead before? nothing you mentioned indicated that. is the twist that she was a zombie or something?


Thanks for your feedback, it helps me a lot. I'll try to amend the things you've pointed out, it was hard for me to do it by yourself since I have the full story in my head and I've read the text I wrote a lot of times, making me unable to see it from a reader's angle. Not to mention that almost nobody around me speaks fluent English so I can't ask feedback from them.
And yeah she was a zombie, that's why I didn't really wanted to give out any good description of her, but perhaps I became too vague with her perception of the world and such.
Thanks for your time, you probably took a lot of time to read everything and point it out to me.

Lonely Hunter

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  • Mark Twain 100
  • Profitable 100
Miss Jarbas Emanuel

Thanks for your feedback, it helps me a lot. I'll try to amend the things you've pointed out, it was hard for me to do it by yourself since I have the full story in my head and I've read the text I wrote a lot of times, making me unable to see it from a reader's angle. Not to mention that almost nobody around me speaks fluent English so I can't ask feedback from them.
And yeah she was a zombie, that's why I didn't really wanted to give out any good description of her, but perhaps I became too vague with her perception of the world and such.
Thanks for your time, you probably took a lot of time to read everything and point it out to me.


no problem, glad it was helpful. and for a second language your english is really good.

Devoted Phantom

Jin_of_the_thunder
Miss Jarbas Emanuel

Thanks for your feedback, it helps me a lot. I'll try to amend the things you've pointed out, it was hard for me to do it by yourself since I have the full story in my head and I've read the text I wrote a lot of times, making me unable to see it from a reader's angle. Not to mention that almost nobody around me speaks fluent English so I can't ask feedback from them.
And yeah she was a zombie, that's why I didn't really wanted to give out any good description of her, but perhaps I became too vague with her perception of the world and such.
Thanks for your time, you probably took a lot of time to read everything and point it out to me.


no problem, glad it was helpful. and for a second language your english is really good.

Thanks, I'm happy you think so, I try my best to be able to speak english as fluently as I can.

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