Dead West - Chapter 3 - 04/16/2012

[Epic Myth]

So...I did one look through and I know I should have done more.

But hey!

Enjoy it anyway and any help to pick out mistakes would be awesome! Other than the technical, I also would like to know about your thoughts on these characters.

Bobby, Li, and Red Wind, a colorful cast to assist Emmett when times get rough.

Also, Toni was fun to write too...expect more butchery of languages if you like that sort of thing~

c:

[Twin-Lit Blade]

You forgot an "e" in Red in some line :]

Colorful, that I see. Bobby might have a crush on Red XD That I would pay to see.

It's also unique to have an asian in the West since asians were totally hated back in the days.

It's great so far. It has a nice background feel to it where the deputies were while Emmett was "occupied" then comes in nonchalantly with a bucket.

[Epic Myth]

Twin-Lit Blade

You forgot an "e" in Red in some line :]

Colorful, that I see. Bobby might have a crush on Red XD That I would pay to see.

It's also unique to have an asian in the West since asians were totally hated back in the days.

It's great so far. It has a nice background feel to it where the deputies were while Emmett was "occupied" then comes in nonchalantly with a bucket.

Oh~ To tell you the truth, I didn't even think about that, Bobby and Red Wind. Hmm, well, good job on picking that up.

We'll see in later installments.

Also, this Asian Sensation is a tribute to Bruce Lee who missed out on an American Show where an Asian Man goes around the Old West solving people's problems. Instead of choosing him, the directors chose a white guy to play an Asian role. They literally said "Bruce Lee" was too Asian. Of course, this was before he became the megastar.

I want Gang Li and all of Emmett's posse to play their roles and shine in their own awesome ways.

[Twin-Lit Blade]

Epic Myth

Twin-Lit Blade

You forgot an "e" in Red in some line :]

Colorful, that I see. Bobby might have a crush on Red XD That I would pay to see.

It's also unique to have an asian in the West since asians were totally hated back in the days.

It's great so far. It has a nice background feel to it where the deputies were while Emmett was "occupied" then comes in nonchalantly with a bucket.

Oh~ To tell you the truth, I didn't even think about that, Bobby and Red Wind. Hmm, well, good job on picking that up.

We'll see in later installments.

Also, this Asian Sensation is a tribute to Bruce Lee who missed out on an American Show where an Asian Man goes around the Old West solving people's problems. Instead of choosing him, the directors chose a white guy to play an Asian role. They literally said "Bruce Lee" was too Asian. Of course, this was before he became the megastar.

I want Gang Li and all of Emmett's posse to play their roles and shine in their own awesome ways.

Saw it, seen it, it'll be enjoyable in a way. Do try to go "subtle" on it.

This is quite the sensation indeed. You know white people back then. "Superior" in many ways back in the 1800-1900s.

Be careful when you let them shine. They shouldn't outshine the main star too much or this wouldn't be the a story of Emmett and his posse but the other way around.

[Epic Myth]

Keep romance subtle. Check.

Emmett is the star. Check.

[Xavior Hellzwing]

I admit I haven't done more than a casual scan over both chapters to start with ...

But a question does come to mind already!

How many more chapters do you plan on doing? I don't need an exact number but a rough estimate about how long you imagine things will continue on. Will you be lengthening the story to make a novel before you work to get it published, or is it meant to be condensed for a short story?

[Epic Myth]

Xavior Hellzwing

I admit I haven't done more than a casual scan over both chapters to start with ...

But a question does come to mind already!

How many more chapters do you plan on doing? I don't need an exact number but a rough estimate about how long you imagine things will continue on. Will you be lengthening the story to make a novel before you work to get it published, or is it meant to be condensed for a short story?

It will likely exceed 20, perhaps 30 chapters.

This is a full blown novel.

I can't help it... in my imagination, it's a novel.

[Xavior Hellzwing]

Epic Myth

:nod nods wisely:

Hmm ... I'd say stay the course if this is a really fun way for you to write.

HOWEVER, may I suggest that you make an in-depth 'character sheet' for each of your people, but just for your own notes? That is, if you haven't already. But writing out their goals and brainstorming possible changes and random happenstances can really make them POP better as people. Development and actions better define a person, and makes it much more relatable instead of reading a single block of text lauding how awesome they are.

Mostly this comes to mind, because your chapters read like roleplay in my opinion, instead of a real print-and-paper book from the shelf. For example, when you introduce Red Wind, the entire flow of the story and the casual banter is put on a BIG HOLD to explain why in the world this Native American woman is even there.

While that's great for RP so people can get to know your character quickly, I love books that gradually explores characters as the plot unfolds. It's harder but just the way other characters interact with someone like Red Wind can say just as much. Whenever I pry into the secrets of popular writers, every time I find out that they actually have the entire story planned out from beginning to end. Usually starting with the end, and then adding things so they GET that ending. (Of course it doesn't always end as planned, but sometimes that means an even better book than before.) But with your story's plot paced out like that, you can certainly control the tempo better to keep the attention of your readers.

Hehe, if you're going to sin .. SIN BOLDLY. I wouldn't put any quotations marks around n****r nor capitalize it for that matter. And maybe try putting a longer description of the setting where most of the action will take place at the start of each chapter. I'd suggest weaving more of the town's description in with the main character's path, but remember the setting can be just as dynamic and soulful as any supporting character. So give the setting a little more ... TLC and flair? I find it a lot easier to read a book if each chapter only takes place in ONE specific setting, or there's a clear marking when scenes shift. Only movies can really do that swooping camera shot as it takes in everything all at once.

Mmm, and perhaps a little more for the physical character description between the action. Or introduce less characters so rapidly. A lot of the key-plot characters could be introduced much later, and each get their small 'spotlight' when they spend some one-on-one time with your main. Get your readers INTERESTED in each character and curious so they want to hurry and continue. Then by the end, everything has been snowballed into one beautiful tapestry of all the details and traits you want.

And my last thought is to try to limit the conversations just between two people. It quickly gets confusing leaping between different names. While that does cut down what can be said, it also opens a lot more doors for more private and involved conversation, with things people would otherwise keep quiet in a public setting. BUT when you do have a group together, still limit the conversations just between two people at a time without interruption. It seems a little less natural, but characters don't really 'disappear' if they're not saying something in a book, unlike a RP thread. So we don't need any real reminders unless it's a reference to the group in its entirety, or you need to call attention to an antagonist character.

People read stories for the plot, but it's the characters that keep them turning pages. As if that's not enough out of me already. This isn't a bad way to hash out what you want in your book, and to help you brainstorm characters and plot, so I don't say you should stop cold or rewrite everything. By the way, I love Westerns.

:takes a deep breath and resumes lurking:

Edit: I love a lot of the imagery in the first chapter.

Edit Edit: ... That nasty horse from the start of Chapter 2 is my favorite character so far, but then I'm just weird too.

[Kay Pasa]

Oh, jeez. Wolf creeps me out. I like him. >]

If Bobby is going to be the primary PoV for the entire novel, I recommend making chapter one a prologue instead. I should have read your old responses first. But now I can see that multiple PoV's will be incorporated.

As a general, sweeping suggestion, I think there should be more showing and less telling when it comes to personalities, emotions, etc.

The clearest example I can think of is when Bobby "threw a tantrum". Given it's placement, that ruined the surprise of seeing him curse and shout. It slowed the flow. The action alone hints that he has a short fuse, and this trait can be cemented in place when the reader watches him overreact to Li's taunts.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that everything should be shown and nothing told. I think that with some information, it's best to just outright tell the reader; especially with settings. And I think you've done well with keeping that information straightforward. The images were pretty clear in my mind.

Also, I think you should exercise caution when using dialects and other languages. The former can bog the writing down if it's too heavy or if it's inconsistent (/guilty). The latter can prove to be an irritant for anyone who's unfamiliar with the language. (Ex. I wanted to chuck Jane Eyre when I had to keep flipping to the back of the book for French translations.)

I must say, your sheriff fascinates me. I'm always a sucker for dark, mysterious characters and I like yours so far. I want to know how his face was mangled. Why was he so brutal when he murdered Leo? And, heck, a black sheriff in the old west. I'm hooked. Even if he's of a high rank, there was still plenty of racism back then. I want to know if this affected who he is now. But yeah, don't be surprised if I've fallen in love with him a few more chapters in.

[Epic Myth]

Xavior Hellzwing

There's a reason why I love you. This, this right here, is a writer's gold.

I respect and understand every word you say and I did start a little something for my main characters. I guess I should expand on that.

First thing first, this is, as others had said it, a rough draft of what would be the completed project. So a lot of the things that I wrote so far might be changed and chances are, I'll WRITE more just to add in those extra tid-bits and some. Now that you say it, I see what you mean about how this chapter flows.

In a way, I sort of rushed myself and I was writing it while doing research at the same time. This is all a new frontier for me, I was trying to put down what I can to establish a foundation. I didn't know the scene would take place in Arizona until I wrote Chapter 2. I didn't know the town would be named Pistolita until I wrote chapter 2.

Chapter 2 was for me to get my bearings, to...sort through what my brain and file it down to something physical other than just ideas. So if this Chapter reads out to you as an RP, I apologize for that and I promise later installments will read much smoother. I can take the time to detail surroundings and I can take the time to add little things here and there to make it shine a little more.

On the other-hand, while I love and would enjoy writing to my heart's desires. I also stress that I have to watch out for Syntax errors and spellings and all that other structure and grammatical crap. So it's like, crossing a fine line with just a stick to balance me.

I have a planned ending, but that even changes a few times. As long as it doesn't stretch out to something else, it should be fine.

Also, thank you about the sinning part. I was walking through a grey area on that one so I didn't really know what to do. For now on, I'll make sure if it occurs, it isn't watered down and softened. The Old West is a mean place.

You're right about the characters coming in so fast. I'll try to slow that done. It is just one chapter. But again, this is all just a draft so things could easily change.

As for conversations. That is also true. I have noticed that if anyone speaks, the focus becomes between two people than it would transition to another pair or the main focuses on the next person. I guess it does feel unrealistic but it would make things smoother...

Thanks Xavior and happy to know that. Also, I hope you'll enjoy seeing more of Ol' b*****d later in the series but perhaps your views might change later on as I go into more depth of the story.

Kay Pasa

Haha, now that's a first! Glad to hear the Sheriff frightened somebody.

Thanks for coming by and this is awesome constructive criticism too. I guess I am guilty for shortening the story instead of coming out with it fully. I know brief descriptions of each Deputy was uncalled for and probably did ruin the flow but this is like the blue print to a grand tower.

It won't stay like this for long, especially since you picked it out. Bobby will be a fun character for me to explore. Along with Li and Red Wind once I figure out how to give their characters some spot light without going overboard. Emmett is the main man and I would like to keep it like that, probably stick to his POV more than half the book and when it feels right. Switch it to others for a moment.

Other than the protagonist, the antagonist of the story (who will appear later) will be second to him in attention.

But again, this is all theoretical and a story like this could go in either or direction. Better to make sure to be discipline and try to map it out first, like completing a question.

Seriously though, I'm really happy Sheriff Wolf fascinates you so much. He is my version of Batman but without the fancy technology and Karate moves. At the very least, he isn't afraid to kill and if you stay tune for Chapter 3, I'll aim to blow your socks off with the reason why he murdered Leo the way he did.

:Edit:. I'll have to be careful of the dialect and languages but good thing this is all considered WIP.

[Xavior Hellzwing]

Pshaw, there's no reason to apologize for making it sound like RP.

We roleplay writers on Gaia should understand best why it's formatted as it is. It's just how our brains start to work after awhile.

But a word of warning for sinning boldly. Remember that once you work to get your book published in the real-world, less people will be so forgiving about including racist slurs. Make sure you decide who you want your audience to be, and then you'll still ultimately have to decide if offensive words are necessary for the 'feel' or if they just start to detract from the story.

AND ... don't sweat the syntax errors so much. That's what editors are for and what they're paid for doing. Writers write and let the publishers sort out the tiny mistakes. That's why I wasn't proofreading, but trying to look at the whole picture together.

Edit: But yeah, as for the conversations I thought more of it after I logged off. Even conversations on television shows rarely have interruptions. An actor is allowed to fully and clearly say their lines before there's an answer. And no one is talking over each other or trying to butt in. Hell, even the cell-phones wait their damned turn before ringing! If only the real world was like that, we'd all be better listeners.

[Epic Myth]

Xavior Hellzwing

Haha, damn! I thought I was above that but I have been on Gaia for a long time.

And that does make sense. Let the characters say what they have to say and maybe, every now and then, an interruption just for effect.

And alright, I'll chill with the syntax errors. Writing my story is more important anyway, all that other stuff can come later. xD

Thanks again!

[Xavior Hellzwing]

Exaaaaaactly.

If you sweat the small language errors it'll cramp your style too much.

[Kay Pasa]

If you didn't mention that he was the main character, I would have pegged him as the antagonist. He's that much of an antihero.

You're very welcome. Be sure to quote me when you get the next chapter out. x3

Oh, good, good. I do try to empathize with the reader's plight as well as the writer's. I know it's difficult to bring a point across without outright telling it. However, I think you've managed to show it well in some cases. Heck, what made me freak out about Wolf was how he didn't bat an eyelash and just emptied his revolver on the kid. If you outright told me why he did it, it wouldn't have been as riveting as it was.

I hope to fall in love with the antagonist as well.

As far as mapping this out goes...it depends on what your preferred style is really. Some authors are capable of pumping out a book with just a rough outline. Others plot every single twist and turn. My advice? Just don't get too caught up in plotting. Then it'll feel rigid and finished before you have actually made any progress. I know this happens with both rpers and novelists. Besides, this should be fun for you as well as the reader.

Ooooh, a wild west Batman. I like it. I'll be sure to have a pair of socks on when I read chapter 3.

Oh, yeah. That stuff about languages is easy for you to go back and pick out.

My advice for Bobby's slur...I think "negro" is more forgiving and can still give the story authenticity with the time. That's just my opinion, however. If the other word sounds right to you, go for it. For example, if a white guy is cursing and calling your sheriff out, the other word will be more appropriate for him. It's one that brings readers' attention to the page because of the strong connotations behind it. But yeah, chances are, if it's the first word you came up with, it's probably the best one that should be there.

For the dialogue...it depends on which characters are conversing. If one of them does tend to be rude and interrupt, I would place it strategically. If the reader could fill in the response, it can probably be eliminated; especially if they're making light conversation. What the action speaks of the character is more important.

"Hey there, Red," Bobby said. "Did ya hear that Wolf shot that white boy today?"

"Yeah, I--"

"Who hasn't heard about it?" Li snorted.

"Don't be an a**, Li," Bobby said.

In that example, the response really only needed one word added "Yeah, I [did.]"; although she could have theoretically said a little more. It's saying two things though: 1) Li has no qualms about interrupting Red as long as he can aggravate Bobby. 2) Bobby doesn't like it when Li disrespects Red.

And then, of course, afterward the conversation can continue between just Red and Bobby.

But yeah, I feel like I'm rambling at this point. I don't want to make you paranoid or obsessive over any of this. I'm just trying to present possibilities and clarify what I mean. I apologize for borrowing your characters in that last example. I couldn't think of another scenario off of the top of my head.

[Stilla Maris]

Hey!

I liked it as usual, but some parts were a little confusing. So to test this, I'll say what I think happened:

From chapter 2, I (as a reader) learned that the Sheriff wasn't supposed to kill Leo. Leo was supposed to get water for him. Li and Red Wind were shocked by Leo's death.

Am I right?

If I'm way off, I will admit that I am on sudafed because of my terrible cold. That medicine makes me crazy. sad

When I'm no longer on this mentally damaging medicine, I will further evaluate your story. You may want to smooth over your transitions a little.

Keep up the good work! mrgreen