Dark Angels

[Sanjifanforever]

Alex Asher was just getting over the fact the love of his life belongs to his brother when he accompanies her on a trip to Georgia after a tragdy. His brother is unknowingly making him suffer as he dotes on Erin. Erin's mother has to temporarily adopt her neice after a fire leaves the girl orphaned and homeless. Amelia is one creepy girl. Alex then discovers his father, who he's been dodging for four hundred years, is now found him and Aubrey. Aubrey doesn't know the whole story of his messed-up family and Alex had sworn to protect him.

Erin and Aubrey are both in danger. Alex can't protect them both. How can he possibly choose between the one girl in his life that gives his life purpose and his little brother who has been like his shadow since the day he was born?

Dark Angels

[[x] Bob-IT [x]]

I haven't gotten to the actual story, but your synopsis is a little... off-putting, for lack of a better phrase. I don't know who any of these people are, the way you present it makes it seem like I'm already supposed to know who these characters are, and what they mean to each other.

The last line seems more like an appropriate synopsis, the first half just seems like you're throwing names at me, expecting me to know who they are and what you're talking about before I even read the first line of the story.

Try sticking with just the protagonist, who I assume is Alex, give us more clues into the obstacles he must face and leave the lesser characters for us to discover for our selves. I feel that way your short summary will click better and have more of a hook, enough for readers to want to look into it more.

[[x] Bob-IT [x]]

Also, I'm TOTALLY a Delena fan. :]

[Kairi Nightingale]

[x] Bob-IT [x]

I haven't gotten to the actual story, but your synopsis is a little... off-putting, for lack of a better phrase. I don't know who any of these people are, the way you present it makes it seem like I'm already supposed to know who these characters are, and what they mean to each other.

The last line seems more like an appropriate synopsis, the first half just seems like you're throwing names at me, expecting me to know who they are and what you're talking about before I even read the first line of the story.

Try sticking with just the protagonist, who I assume is Alex, give us more clues into the obstacles he must face and leave the lesser characters for us to discover for our selves. I feel that way your short summary will click better and have more of a hook, enough for readers to want to look into it more.

I agree with this. The last paragraph was much better as a hook than the preceding one because of the connection with the character. Alex has to choose between saving two people he loves dearly. Much better than Alex loves this girl who's going out with his brother and her mother has to adopt an orphan after fire and this other girl is creepy and then back to alex who discovers his father who he's been avoiding for four hundred years (four hundred? So, they are real angels? Good to know) and now he's found Aubrey (who is Aubrey?) who doesn't know anything and Alex wants to protect him. Too much, too fast! I understand that you wanted to show how complex your story is but when trying to get readers, it's good to stick with one hook with the main idea of the story present in it. Vague is actually good. Leave us so that we don't exactly know what's happening yet but we're curious enough to find out. Then surprise us with all the twists and turns in the actual piece.

(Also, I tried clicking on the link but it refuses to load properly. Why not post a chapter on here instead?)

[Sanjifanforever]

Sorry about the summary. I meant to fix it, but I've been a little busy. I'll get right on that. Thanks for the heads-up.