Choose your own adventure!

[dhayzi]

Hey everyone,

For one of my classes at uni I have to write a short choose your own adventure story, (ie, you see two road, turn to page 34 to go left. Turn to 26 to go right)

If anyone could spend half an hour of their time critiquing it and giving me some feedback I would be incredibly grateful

The story can be found here

http://www.scribd.com/doc/81070538

Thanks

[acheron beach]

I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was a really fun fantasy story. I have a few suggestions, though.

I don't understand why you describe the conversation at the start, rather than writing out the actual words exchanged. To me, it seems less interesting this way.

I think you could choose more evocative or specific details when describing some of the sights. For instance, "proper houses" - how are they proper? Or a "homely road" - what makes the road ugly (or unadorned)? Or what does "deceptively chocolate box" mean?

There are a lot of small punctuation mistakes at the beginning. I noticed very few in the actual body of the story.

[dhayzi]

acheron beach

I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was a really fun fantasy story. I have a few suggestions, though.

I don't understand why you describe the conversation at the start, rather than writing out the actual words exchanged. To me, it seems less interesting this way.

I think you could choose more evocative or specific details when describing some of the sights. For instance, "proper houses" - how are they proper? Or a "homely road" - what makes the road ugly (or unadorned)? Or what does "deceptively chocolate box" mean?

There are a lot of small punctuation mistakes at the beginning. I noticed very few in the actual body of the story.

Thanks for your feedback. I'll have to re-read it properly to find those punctuation errors >.<

And I didn't think about the descriptions being odd until you mentioned it, I'll readdress those as well

[[ Nicolette ]]

dhayzi

Omg... To be honest I only clicked this because I know a guy (over the internet only) who has the same project due tomorrow, and I thought it was such a funny coincidence. And then it turns out you're from Plymouth.....and in his class. LOLOMGWTFBBQ.

I read a little bit but I'm just so weirded out that I couldn't focus and had to post this first.