This is a journal that I wrote a little while ago. Please read and leave an opinion.
Chapter 43 - Longing
01:38 2005/02/26
Why is it that I do this? What is my purpose? Or is there a purpose? What is it that I do? Watch people, and want to be important to them. I watch all those that I cannot be with, can't really matter to. This is something that I torture myself with, it seems. There are two people specifically that I am doing this with right now.
The first, Squeaky, that unattainable creature from far far away. We have been friends for about two years now. In these two years, I have gottent to know here quite well, and to admire her. There she is, funny, cute, creative, sweet. She keeps getting burned with a**holes and other such trash, and I have always been there to help her out as much as I could. But that is as far as it will likely go. There is no future with her, except as friends.
The second, Kika, one of the three people that I can call real friends. Someone who I screwed up with. Since that night so long ago on the bus, things have been this way. I can talk to her, I can take her places, but I cannot ever be anything more. I can't share my life with her. I will never wake up next to her, and just be able to watch her sleep.
These two people mean so much to me. And yet, we will only ever be friends. We will only ever be like this. It is enough to make me cry. Just to know that I am not only torn between these two people, but that they also 'don't feel that way' about me. Am I only good enough to be friends? Am I not worthy of more?
This is one of those things that I suppose is going to give me one of those 'profound life experiences'. Great. Wonderful. This is almost torture, watching both of these people go through life the way they are. I have hope, almost an obcession, that one of them will just wake up one day and realize that they love me or something like that. I know that it will not happen, and yet still.
02:01 2005/02/26
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