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catburn0238's avatar

Generous Prophet

This is unedited, unrevised version of this story, THIS IS NOT THE FINAL VERSION, please comment and critique.
W.A.M









The shutters quivered slowly in the wind as I stepped to the window, stopping to look out the window. Outside the forgotten city sprawled out before me; buildings decayed in the distance one leaned on another. One hospital in the distance had an old helicopter crashed into the roof; another building was slowly crumbling to the dark, dusty ground below.
I continued down the hall, the old boards beneath me creaking with each step. I stopped at the first door and pushed it open. Inside, the bed was unmade, and the blankets and sheets were strewn around the bed, dull and faded. A dresser lay on its side, and I walked to it slowly and pulled one of the drawers open. Inside, the clothes were neatly folded, but in the corner, I noticed a book. I reached in and picked it up, the leather cover read “Holy Bible”. I had heard of the Bible before, from Susan, She was alive before Black Dawn. She had told me many stories of the old world. This was all before the rapids found the settlement.
I continued to flip through the book; I found a picture of a man and his wife or girlfriend. They were smiling and in the background I could make out three children playing in a small park. I hastily stuffed the picture and book into my satchel and got up. I left the room and went to the next.
It had a small note on it, “This is for the little one! I hope it helps, and I know you both will be wonderful parents! Love, Mom." the note read, I pushed open the door, and inside the room was decorated in soft blues and pinks. It was all dusty, but otherwise untouched, the cradle in the corner, the white table in front of me, the shelves of toys and colorful books In the middle of the floor, a toy rocket sat on its side. The light from the curtained window gleamed of its red paint. I walked to it, I knelt down next to it and picked it up. It had UNM painted in blue along the side, a past government, newly formed just before the pandemic.
I stood up and tucked it into my satchel next to the book. I turned around and stepped back out the door, closing it softly. I started to walk back down the hall; I flipped the satchel back over my shoulder and rested my hand back on top of my revolvers holster. I stopped in front of the window again and peered down at the park below, the once colorful slides and swings sat there, rusting away beneath the unwavering sun.
catburn0238
This is unedited, unrevised version of this story, THIS IS NOT THE FINAL VERSION, please comment and critique.
W.A.M


I'll go ahead and edit/revise for you. Edits are in red, revisions are in blue.





Quote:
The shutters quivered slowly in the wind as I stepped past the window, the old boards beneath me creaking with each step.


Without the revisions, this is a run-on. You can correct this sentence differently if you wish.


Quote:
Outside, the forgotten city sprawled out before me; buildings decayed {no comma needed) in the distance, one leaning on another. One hospital in the distance had an old helicopter crashed into the roof; another building was slowly crumbling to the dark, dusty ground below.


I really like the description for this part. Well done. However, is the character looking out the window? I was a little confused here.

Quote:
I continued down the hall and into the first room. Inside, the bed was unmade,and the blankets and sheets were strewn around the bed, dull and faded. A dresser lay on its side,and I walked to it slowly and pulled one of the drawers open. Inside, the clothes were neatly folded,but in the corner, I noticed a picture. I reached in and picked it up,noticing it was of a man and his wife or girlfriend. color=red]They were smiling and in the background I could make out three children playing in a small park. I hastily stuffed it in my satchel and got up. I left the the room and went to the next.


You probably already know this, but you can't substitute conjunctions with commas. Also, I found it odd that the main character took the photograph of someone s/he doesn't know.

Quote:
The next door had a small note on it. "This is for the little one! I hope it helps, and I know you both will be wonderful parents! Sincerely, Mom," the note read. I pushed open the door. Inside, the room was decorated in soft blues and pinks. It was all dusty, but otherwise untouched. There was a cradle in the corner, the a white table in_front of me, and the shelves of toys and colorful books. I slowly closed the door and turned around; the shutters were still wavering slowly.


Okay, a couple of things. The door had the note on it, correct? Second off, I don't think a mother would sign a note with "Sincerely" because it seems too formal. Perhaps, "Love, Mom," would work better? Are the shutters of any particular importance? That last bit of information seemed a bit excessive and unnecessary.


Quote:
I started to walk back down the hall and I flipped the satchel back over my shoulder and resting my hand back on top of my revolver's holster. I stopped in_front of the window again and peered down at the park below. The once colorful rides sat there, rusting away beneath the unwavering sun.


In and front are two separate words, so don't forget to add a space between them. Park rides sounds like an amusement park, although I'm not sure if that's what you were going for.

This is really interesting, and I enjoyed reading it. Great job.

Happy writing!
catburn0238's avatar

Generous Prophet

Thank you, I know when I type fast, I make a lot of errors. Overall, thanks a lot!
The main character is a guy, Daniel, the reason behind him taking the picture of the people he doesn't know is because he was born after the apocalypse; he finds a lot of the old world interesting
and usually keeps a lot of little things, in a revised version, he takes an old Bible out of the drawer. This is where he finds the picture, and he keeps both. I'll have more, and revised, up maybe on here, if you're really interested in it it will be up on wattpad, under "catburn"
No problem!
catburn0238's avatar

Generous Prophet

all edited
catburn0238's avatar

Generous Prophet

bump?........... awkward
catburn0238's avatar

Generous Prophet

roadhouse??

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