Biluna: My Story;;; Critique Open!

[twistedtangerine]

So I'm writing a new story. Right now the chapters are short, but when I'm "done" writing it, I will go back and add details and other stuff in the chapters to make them longer. My story is called Biluna.

Navigation;;;
Chapter 1: The Beginning
Chapter 2: Olive
Chapter 3: Something New
Chapter 4: Princess Madison
Chapter 5: Dusk
Chapter 6: Sisters
Chapter 7: Samuel
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
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[twistedtangerine]

Chapter 1: The Beginning

I layed there under the stars in the cold, dark night, thinking of how the day went. I was away from the warmth and orange-red glow of the bonfire. Away from my family. It sent pain straight to my heart every time I see my father with my step-mother and my step-brothers with their consant girlfriends. I was all alone. I stood up, looked back at the fire and walked into the house.

I have been lonely for the longest time now. I walked into my bedroom and looked at the brown and pink walls, the many pillows I have, and all of the reading and writing utensils I have. I closed the door and plopped down on my bed. The Twilight calender that hung on the far wall showed a picture of Edward Cullen above the month of September. The days were marked off up until the day of the twenty-sixth. My birthday. Nobody said 'Happy Birthday.' I was left out. But, then, a thought came to my mind. Olive. She would wish my a Happy Birthday. She always did.

[twistedtangerine]

Chapter 2: Olive

Olive wasn't real, but she was all I had. I guess you could call her my imaginary friend, but, to me, she was real. The only friend I had. I closed my eyes and pictured myself at the Boxcar Cafe. Then I pictured Olive's face and her curly, red hair. The clothes she wore were of the comfortable kind. She sat across the booth from me. Food appeared in front of us.

"Rebekah! Do you know what today is?" She asked excitedly.

I looked up at her, smiled, and said, "What?" Even though I already knew.

"It's your birthday!" She couldn't smile any bigger. The food disappeared and a cake decked out with chocolate and strawberries appeared. The two number candles were of a one and a six. I was turning sixteen.

"Happy Birthday, Beka!" She said and then started to sing. Once she was finished I made a wish and blew out the candles.

"What did ou wish for?" She asked.

I'm not suppose to tell or else it won't come true." I said. It probably wouldn't have come true anyways. I was only dreaming right now, right?

"Yeah. But I'm not real, you know? So, please?" She begged.

"Well,... Okay then. I wished to be in another world. Like the ones in my dreams. Full of everything perfect and amazing. Adventure around every corner..." I trailed off, lost in La-La Land.

"Cool," Olive said, snapping me out of my daze, " But be careful for what you wish for. I could come true." The way she said that, it sounded as if it came straight out of an R. L. Stein book from the series Goosebumps.

"I know, I know. I've read it in books." I said, "I best go, though. I should get to sleep."

"Yeah. You should. Happy Birthday, though." She said again.

"Thank you." And then everything went black...

[twistedtangerine]

Chapter 3: Something New

The next mornin I woke up to birds chirpping. I opened my eyes to find myself in somewhere other than my normal bed. The walls around me were made of gray brick and the bed I was laying on was soft and had a colorful, fluffy blanket on it. There was a canopy above my head and a dresser with a mirror parallel to the bed. To the left of me was a nightstand and a fireplace. The shutter of the window to my right were open.

I sat up and noticed a stairwell leading downward. I, also, noticed that I wasn't in my normal clothes, either. I was in a fancy yellow and white nightgown. I stood up on the stone floor as I hear someone coming up the stairs. Ash he - or she - came further up the stairs, I hear humming. Then a young girl about my age appeared through the doorway and stopped in her tracks. Her humming came to a slow stop and then she eyeballed me.

"Morning" She finally said in an angel-like voice.

"Morning...?" I replied.

"You don't remember anything do you?" She said, walking closer to me.

"Should I?" I gave a quizzical look. She sighed like she was irritated as she set a food tray on the nightstand.

"My name is Arianna. I'm the witch of the castle. You can come to me for, like, anything." She said using her hands to "talk."

"Okay. Where... Am I?" I asked.

She just stared at me before answering. "You have obviously been asleep too long. This is Jilobhé. The world you dreamed of."


- I'll finish this chapter soon -

[twistedtangerine]

Chapter 4: Princess Madison

(I'll update soon.)

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Chapter 5: Dusk

(I'll update soon.)

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Chapter 6: Sisters

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Chapter 7: Samuel

(I'll update soon.)

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Chapter 8

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Chapter 9

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Chapter 10

(I'll update soon.)

[twistedtangerine]

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