Any advice??

[blackfyre0742]

This is just something I came up with for something I've been working on lately.

Once upon a time, humans and super naturals were able to live in harmony with each other, once upon a time there were no wars, once upon a time everything seemed just, perfect. That was a long time ago, now it seemed as if there was no resting, no sitting still, you always seemed on guard, tense, waiting and knowing that anything could happen, and anything would happen. Once upon a time, there was no need to fear, but now isn’t that time. Not since they took over, and now you are probably asking yourself “Who are they?” truth is no one really knows who they are. They are always there, watching you, and the only thing anyone really knows is they aren’t one of us, and they are lethal and thirsty. Thirsty for what you might ask, blood, human blood, animal blood, even supernatural blood, they don’t care. These ‘people’ raid homes for anyone and anything they can find, and once they find you, there’s no hope. You’re just another person they use for a chew toy, such a horrible way to go isn’t it, and the sad thing is. This isn’t just some stupid little fantasy, no, this is my life. This is the life I live, in a world that I like to call ‘hell, only worse’ and you know once a place is above hell it has to be a pretty bad place. But this is the world I live in; this is my story, with all the gruesome and bloody details.

[Aydenfyre]

blackfyre0742

This is just something I came up with for something I've been working on lately.

Once upon a time, humans and super naturals were able to live in harmony with each other, once upon a time there were no wars, once upon a time everything seemed just, perfect. That was a long time ago, now it seemed as if there was no resting, no sitting still, you always seemed on guard, tense, waiting and knowing that anything could happen, and anything would happen. Once upon a time, there was no need to fear, but now isn’t that time. Not since they took over, and now you are probably asking yourself “Who are they?” truth is no one really knows who they are. They are always there, watching you, and the only thing anyone really knows is they aren’t one of us, and they are lethal and thirsty. Thirsty for what you might ask, blood, human blood, animal blood, even supernatural blood, they don’t care. These ‘people’ raid homes for anyone and anything they can find, and once they find you, there’s no hope. You’re just another person they use for a chew toy, such a horrible way to go isn’t it, and the sad thing is. This isn’t just some stupid little fantasy, no, this is my life. This is the life I live, in a world that I like to call ‘hell, only worse’ and you know once a place is above hell it has to be a pretty bad place. But this is the world I live in; this is my story, with all the gruesome and bloody details.

I think you would do better to not use, "Once upon a time" so often. Something along the lines of...

"Once upon a time, humans and super naturals were able to live in harmony with each other. A time where there were no wars, a time of near perfection. That was a long time....."

Also, I wonder if you could use another word, aside of "Super naturals." Are they demons? Fairies? Angels? Something of your own creation?

Some parts of this seem repetitive, particularly near the end.

Other than that, it seems like you have a nice start. Just could use a bit of a rewording.

[AishiSo]

blackfyre0742

This is just something I came up with for something I've been working on lately.

Once upon a time, humans and super naturals were able to live in harmony with each other, once upon a time there were no wars, once upon a time everything seemed just, perfect. That was a long time ago, now it seemed as if there was no resting, no sitting still, you always seemed on guard, tense, waiting and knowing that anything could happen, and anything would happen. Once upon a time, there was no need to fear, but now isn’t that time. Not since they took over, and now you are probably asking yourself “Who are they?” truth is no one really knows who they are. They are always there, watching you, and the only thing anyone really knows is they aren’t one of us, and they are lethal and thirsty. Thirsty for what you might ask, blood, human blood, animal blood, even supernatural blood, they don’t care. These ‘people’ raid homes for anyone and anything they can find, and once they find you, there’s no hope. You’re just another person they use for a chew toy, such a horrible way to go isn’t it, and the sad thing is. This isn’t just some stupid little fantasy, no, this is my life. This is the life I live, in a world that I like to call ‘hell, only worse’ and you know once a place is above hell it has to be a pretty bad place. But this is the world I live in; this is my story, with all the gruesome and bloody details.

It looks interesting.

The idea is nice, it has a potential.

As for things that require a bit of work:

* Look out for the use of tenses. Like "That was a long time ago, now it seemed as if there was no resting..." [seemed] should be changed into [seems], because [now] requires a present tense. Remember that if you mix too many tenses in one paragraph it will confuse the readers.

* Try shorter sentences. That does not mean that they should be simple. Look at this sentence "Not since they took over, and now you are probably asking yourself “Who are they?” truth is no one really knows who they are". The is too much info packed in one sentence. You could divide that, e.g. "Not since they took over. Now you are probably asking yourself "Who are they?" The truth is that no one really knows who they are."

First person narrative is not easy to execute in "action" books. I don't know if this will be a short story or a novel. If this is a novel, remember that this style of narrative is limited to the point of view and the knowledge of the character that is in the same time the narrator.
It can be used in the prologue though as, e.g part of a diary, a letter etc.

In other words, work on it, it seems worth it.

[blackfyre0742]

It is the prologue, I wrote this in a matter of say fifteen minutes on my school's computer instead of doing evil algebra and studying for a test.

[AishiSo]

blackfyre0742

It is the prologue, I wrote this in a matter of say fifteen minutes on my school's computer instead of doing evil algebra and studying for a test.

In that case, you can hold on to the first person point of view in this fragment. Consider changing it for the rest though, to be able to show more.

For something written in fifteen minutes this is really good.
A word of advice for the future: work on your draft before posting, then you will attract more people to leave feedback.
Eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes as well as you can. Polished drafts show that you take the readers seriously.

But otherwise, I will gladly read the rest of the story.