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Bunly's avatar

Beloved Friend

Hello, I'm a new writer and I was thinking about making this into a mini series. I want your honest opinion on my work please!

( The tektek is the character )

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Cold.Painfully cold throughout my fingers.Nothing around me seems sane any more.The gun gripped in my right and a soaked blade in my left.Those are the only things I trust now.This moment.This exact time,place,and taste reminds me of her.Just the very sight of my breath's vapours remind me of her.No time for that!. I slide my finger against his body till I touch his trigger. Stepping back into the room with the guns ringing in my ear. This feeling of sanity for once and the excitement finally makes a reason for a purpose.I swing my weight across the room holding him out and aiming for the suits. I sweep across the hallway to my right and release a wall of lead.Reload, Don't forget. The magazine falls out fast enough for me to slap a new one in and run to the window.Too Many of them. I punch a clean hole through the window while letting her slice through a suit's arm. It was a two story apartment but it was high enough to cause a concussion if I'm not careful.Jump!. I take a deep breath and release my grip on the window's sill.Peaceful.Like an Ecstasy throughout my body.

The Spinster's avatar

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A lot of grammar/punctuation mistakes. Also, centered font makes paragraph-styled writing look unprofessional, but that's just my opinion.

Also, I got lost during the middle of it. I wasn't sure what was going on or who she was with. Using names or recognizable pronouns.

Quote:
I punch a clean hole through the window while letting her slice through a suit's arm.


Example: who is "her"? Is it the character? I was confused since you used first person the rest of the time.
Bunly's avatar

Beloved Friend

The Spinster
A lot of grammar/punctuation mistakes. Also, centered font makes paragraph-styled writing look unprofessional, but that's just my opinion.

Also, I got lost during the middle of it. I wasn't sure what was going on or who she was with. Using names or recognizable pronouns.

Quote:
I punch a clean hole through the window while letting her slice through a suit's arm.


Example: who is "her"? Is it the character? I was confused since you used first person the rest of the time.
Opps..I knew this may of thrown off people with using "her" and "him". This was a rough draft so there may of been a few mistakes.But, What I meant by "her" and "him" was her weapons.The "her" was referring to her sword and the "him" referred to the gun.
Ah, full grown women with guns, swords, and dressed in all black all over the bodice while very balanced on heels.

Haven't we seen this before?

Seriously, when I first read this, I thought it was something erotic or close to porn. The way it's described on how she touches her or him and stuff like that, whoa, gives me the shivers and tingles in my pants.

But all jokes aside, I figured out automatically you meant your weapons when you called them him or her. But, for the average reader, it would be best to give them names or just say Gun and Sword. Much more simpler.

Also, even though it's hard to read. I like it.

Just, use the space-bar! The almighty space-bar is required for serious writing and if you don't have one or the one you have is broken, I would suggest you acquire one promptly!

So, yeah.

Get rid of center-alignment because it makes it look weird.

Please space your words or use commas like the beginning

"Cold.Painfully cold through out my fingers."

Should be-

"It's cold, painfully cold through out my fingers."

Better, right?
Bunly's avatar

Beloved Friend

Epic Myth
Ah, full grown women with guns, swords, and dressed in all black all over the bodice while very balanced on heels.

Haven't we seen this before?

Seriously, when I first read this, I thought it was something erotic or close to porn. The way it's described on how she touches her or him and stuff like that, whoa, gives me the shivers and tingles in my pants.

But all jokes aside, I figured out automatically you meant your weapons when you called them him or her. But, for the average reader, it would be best to give them names or just say Gun and Sword. Much more simpler.

Also, even though it's hard to read. I like it.

Just, use the space-bar! The almighty space-bar is required for serious writing and if you don't have one or the one you have is broken, I would suggest you acquire one promptly!

So, yeah.

Get rid of center-alignment because it makes it look weird.

Please space your words or use commas like the beginning

"Cold.Painfully cold through out my fingers."

Should be-

"It's cold, painfully cold through out my fingers."

Better, right?
Thanks, I will edit soon when I have free time.And My space bar is sort of broken at this current time.

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