Sugar-x-Cookiez
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- Posted: Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:52:42 +0000
Haven't been here for maybe a year, but I decided I wanted some thought-out opinions on this excerpt I wrote not too long ago. I've decided to test the waters and try writing about plots I find interesting with some depth to it, but I'm not sure if it's coming out too cheesy, hammy, hackneyed, corny, or whatever else. It's an excerpt from a story I plan to work on that mainly deals with robots. Of course it's not always going to be as serious as this scene, though there will be those moments. It's meant to be futuristic and sci-fy, with romance and mystery of course along with other stuff.
Just to save some confusion, since it's an excerpt... The story is set on the future. Pocket-screens are just devices that aren't really of much importance in this scene, so don't mind it. The name alone should give you some sort of idea anyway. Xander (Alexander) is a boy who is strongly opposed to robots, as they're gaining more control than humans, and detests them with a passion. Terra is a friend he has an interest in, who happens to secretly be a robot, and Shane is his best friend, who has a dream to become a manufacturer of robots. (Yes, irony.)
Oh well, enough of my blabbering. Opinions would be nice and appreciated.
The scene of Terra & Shane:
____
The lights in the lab room were dim, coloring the area a faint amber hue with a bright blue glow near the center. Text reflecting from the pocket-screen to Shane's glasses, the boy sifted for information incomprehensible to most eyes; Terra, naturally, was an exception. All robots were exceptions.
"The download is almost finished. You should be getting the information soon," warned Shane, eyes still fixed on the device. "And now I just confirm... There." Tapping it with a stylus, the boy grinned, proud of his success. When he looked up at Terra though, the smile fell.
"You haven't said a single thing, Terra. Did something go wrong with the download?" he asked. Already his eyes showed concern, skeptical of his own explanation. Terra simply shook her head. After a few seconds she realized the still silence where Shane did not look away from her. She met his gaze for a moment before averting her own to the floor.
"Shane... If Xander knew what I am, would he hate me, too?" Terra kept her voice soft, despite their isolation in the locked room. The intensity of her focus towards the ground stunned Shane- the look in her eyes was so human. It made him feel all the more terrible when he thought of his answer.
"Terra... Xander is..." Trailing off, he grimaced.
"I understand," Terra said quietly. "Xander's views have 'no exception.'"
Shane smiled bitterly. She put it more delicately than he would have. He faced the screen for another minute, but curiosity nagged at him. He sighed.
"What are your thoughts right now?" he asked, still blankly staring at the data.
"If I were human, in a situation like this, I would most likely feel angry, or more accurately, frustrated." Then, her eyes narrowed, green irises nearly cutting at the marble. "But if I could feel such things, there would be no problem."
"What else?" he asked, closing his eyes.
Hesitating, Terra continued. "At this point, I will fail my mission."
For some reason, those words struck a nerve. In the end it was about the mission. Shane wasn't new to robots. He knew how objective they were. Still, Terra had always seemed so human to him.
But of course, Terra was made to pretend.
Jaw clenched, Shane glowered at a wall. "Do you really want nothing? Don't you care at all? As perceptive as you're made to be, why bother asking such an obvious thing?"
Silence fell again. Figuring she wouldn't answer, Shane suppressed the dissatisfaction that built in his chest and continued with his work. Finally, Terra lifted her gaze to his back.
"I wanted you to say he wouldn't," she admitted quietly. When the boy made no change in position, she frowned.
"It would be a lie," Shane replied, voice clipped.
"I know," she answered, wearing a cold smile. "But if you were to say so, I would have believed you."
Shame sighed, but smiled. "Robots still know more than any genius."
"It's not because of your intelligence, Shane," she said quickly, raising her head to look directly at him now. "It's because you're human. Both you and Xander... You're both human."
At a loss, Shane stared at her.
"But..." Unable to word his argument, he only waited for her to continue. She smiled at him.
"With human connection, there will always be something robots will never understand. True sympathy, empathy, understanding... Not knowing a person through knowledge and fact, but feeling.
"The human mind- the human heart; it's truly amazing."
Just to save some confusion, since it's an excerpt... The story is set on the future. Pocket-screens are just devices that aren't really of much importance in this scene, so don't mind it. The name alone should give you some sort of idea anyway. Xander (Alexander) is a boy who is strongly opposed to robots, as they're gaining more control than humans, and detests them with a passion. Terra is a friend he has an interest in, who happens to secretly be a robot, and Shane is his best friend, who has a dream to become a manufacturer of robots. (Yes, irony.)
Oh well, enough of my blabbering. Opinions would be nice and appreciated.
The scene of Terra & Shane:
____
The lights in the lab room were dim, coloring the area a faint amber hue with a bright blue glow near the center. Text reflecting from the pocket-screen to Shane's glasses, the boy sifted for information incomprehensible to most eyes; Terra, naturally, was an exception. All robots were exceptions.
"The download is almost finished. You should be getting the information soon," warned Shane, eyes still fixed on the device. "And now I just confirm... There." Tapping it with a stylus, the boy grinned, proud of his success. When he looked up at Terra though, the smile fell.
"You haven't said a single thing, Terra. Did something go wrong with the download?" he asked. Already his eyes showed concern, skeptical of his own explanation. Terra simply shook her head. After a few seconds she realized the still silence where Shane did not look away from her. She met his gaze for a moment before averting her own to the floor.
"Shane... If Xander knew what I am, would he hate me, too?" Terra kept her voice soft, despite their isolation in the locked room. The intensity of her focus towards the ground stunned Shane- the look in her eyes was so human. It made him feel all the more terrible when he thought of his answer.
"Terra... Xander is..." Trailing off, he grimaced.
"I understand," Terra said quietly. "Xander's views have 'no exception.'"
Shane smiled bitterly. She put it more delicately than he would have. He faced the screen for another minute, but curiosity nagged at him. He sighed.
"What are your thoughts right now?" he asked, still blankly staring at the data.
"If I were human, in a situation like this, I would most likely feel angry, or more accurately, frustrated." Then, her eyes narrowed, green irises nearly cutting at the marble. "But if I could feel such things, there would be no problem."
"What else?" he asked, closing his eyes.
Hesitating, Terra continued. "At this point, I will fail my mission."
For some reason, those words struck a nerve. In the end it was about the mission. Shane wasn't new to robots. He knew how objective they were. Still, Terra had always seemed so human to him.
But of course, Terra was made to pretend.
Jaw clenched, Shane glowered at a wall. "Do you really want nothing? Don't you care at all? As perceptive as you're made to be, why bother asking such an obvious thing?"
Silence fell again. Figuring she wouldn't answer, Shane suppressed the dissatisfaction that built in his chest and continued with his work. Finally, Terra lifted her gaze to his back.
"I wanted you to say he wouldn't," she admitted quietly. When the boy made no change in position, she frowned.
"It would be a lie," Shane replied, voice clipped.
"I know," she answered, wearing a cold smile. "But if you were to say so, I would have believed you."
Shame sighed, but smiled. "Robots still know more than any genius."
"It's not because of your intelligence, Shane," she said quickly, raising her head to look directly at him now. "It's because you're human. Both you and Xander... You're both human."
At a loss, Shane stared at her.
"But..." Unable to word his argument, he only waited for her to continue. She smiled at him.
"With human connection, there will always be something robots will never understand. True sympathy, empathy, understanding... Not knowing a person through knowledge and fact, but feeling.
"The human mind- the human heart; it's truly amazing."
