Zombie

[The rebel prince!]

i eat on the nervous system of this illuminative city and plan to build my hunger on the hidden horizon where the sun jumped off.
this stomach is always thin, so i wander
with the pulp of dimming neon signs, passing heartthrobs with their final scene shotguns and getaway cars,
making my head go to pieces!
picking fragments on the cold sidewalk, rearranging a face to greet the dawn with the town's artificial vibrancy stopping, makeup sinking into my skin.

[Two Dead Doorknobs]

First, I'll apologize.
I don't completely understand what you're getting at,
so I might be a little (lot) off base here.

In your first line, I don't understand the idea of 'eating to build your hunger'.
When you say 'nervous system...illuminative', I think in terms of power grids,
so are you talking about building up electricity?

As for 'passing...cars', are you talking about actual, touchable human beings?
That line seems random to me, unless I'm misunderstanding how it's being used with the next line.

'the town's artificial vibrancy' just seems like a overzealous push to avoid using 'light', etc,
and for me 'town' doesn't have the same feeling as 'city'.
Also, anything 'sinking into skin' is pretty tired phrasing.

As a side note, I think there was some missed opportunity in not using more neon sign/lights/whatever based imagery.
(Or maybe that's just me desperately wanting that girl in the martini glass)


Or maybe I'm wrong, utterly wrong. ;'D
I'm interested to know exactly what you meant.

[Power Armor Felix]

I'm just going to bore into this one like a wasp depositing its larva. I'll try to munch around the major organs but admittedly I don't see a lot going on with the continued biology as neon lights metaphor. Cities can be alive anyhow without the extra comparison to lights.

The rebel prince!

i eat on the nervous system of this illuminative snarl city and plan to build girder my hunger on the hidden horizon where the sun jumped off. Ok.
this with? stomach is always thin, so i wander
with the pulp of dimming neon signs, bypassing heartthrobs with their final scene being / shotguns and getaway cars,
making my head go to pieces!
picking fragments on from? the cold sidewalk, rearranging a face to greet the dawn Ok. with the town's artificial vibrancy stopping town vibrating to a stop, makeup fakeup? sinking into my skin. Needs more prep before unleashing the powder? The idea is okay, but the wording is rather ho-hum.

[Power Armor Felix]

Or how about this...

Quote:

i eat on the nervous system of this enlightened city...

A mindless thing eating something which has a mind.

Quote:

and plan to build my hunger

Also something to consider is that zombies generally do not plan. Rather, I would think their girders would climb madly--like saliva, overwhelming the barricade of the horizon-norms until the sun has no choice but to jump.

[Fizzlesticks]

I enjoy the images—but why the long, long, long lines?