Welcome to Gaia! ::

VocoloMiku 's avatar

Man-Hungry Ladykiller

8,800 Points
  • Grunny Grabber 50
  • Grunny Rainbow 100
  • Grunny Harvester 150
Remember to breath...




I made a town of dust,
Plastic people, and rust.
The sky drawn by tarp,
And good intentions at heart.

The people had the same expression,
One of exasperation.
The roads were dirt and cold,
Their fixed positions getting old.

These figments of western imagination,
Began to move, my creation.
Over night, and in my sleep,
I awoke to cities at my feet.

Hand in hand 'round my bed,
The plastic soldiers raised my head,
These things that can't really be,
Made the best person out of me.
-Aris Kanara

I am working with a new way of putting a poem together, would you tell me your thoughts on the poem? What does it bring to your mind? What images do you see, if any? And after that, feel free to critique, and be as rough as possible.
...because it'll take your breath away.
I liked it. I tend to phrase and/or format my poetry in an abnormal fashion.

When I read it, I picked up little bits of sadness, frustration and whole hearted effort. It reminded me of building my life; people, places, and emotions. You start from nothing, you give it your best, and sometimes no matter how hard you try you still end up dissapointing someone.

All in all well done. I like the format, its a bit different and I enjoy things that wander from the norm. It was full of emotion and imagry, which could paint the picture in my head. I think it could be interpretted in other ways, thats just the way it resonated with me cat_3nodding
VocoloMiku 's avatar

Man-Hungry Ladykiller

8,800 Points
  • Grunny Grabber 50
  • Grunny Rainbow 100
  • Grunny Harvester 150
MissAlice-Everlasting
I liked it. I tend to phrase and/or format my poetry in an abnormal fashion.

When I read it, I picked up little bits of sadness, frustration and whole hearted effort. It reminded me of building my life; people, places, and emotions. You start from nothing, you give it your best, and sometimes no matter how hard you try you still end up dissapointing someone.

All in all well done. I like the format, its a bit different and I enjoy things that wander from the norm. It was full of emotion and imagry, which could paint the picture in my head. I think it could be interpretted in other ways, thats just the way it resonated with me cat_3nodding
Remember to breath...




I'm glad you like it.
Is there anything you think should be improved on in my poem?
...because it'll take your breath away.
Aris Kanara



I made a town of dust,
Plastic people, and rust.
The sky drawn by tarp, (The sky drawn by a tarp> Might help with the flow)
And good intentions at heart.

The people had the same expression,
One of exasperation.
The roads were dirt and cold,(instead of dirt, maybe put dark)
They're fixed positions getting old. (Their not They're)

These figments of western imagination,
Began to move, my creation.(feels like its missing something)
Over night, and in my sleep,
I awoke to cities at my feet.

Hand in hand 'round my bed,
The plastic soldiers raised my head,
These things that can't really be,
Made the best person out of me.
-Aris Kanara

The secound stanza (The roads were dirt and cold) dirt doesn't go well with cold. Cold is more of a feeling and dirt a thing. I suggested the word "dark". The third stanza feels like its missing something. It doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem.
I hope my little nitpicks help haha
VocoloMiku 's avatar

Man-Hungry Ladykiller

8,800 Points
  • Grunny Grabber 50
  • Grunny Rainbow 100
  • Grunny Harvester 150
MissAlice-Everlasting

Remember to breathe...




Oh, no. I very much thank you for your input. Does this version of the poem work a bit better?

I made a town of dust,
Plastic people, and rust.
The sky drawn by a tarp,
And good intentions at heart.

The people had the same expression,
One of exasperation.
The roads were dirty and dark,
Their fixed positions losing its spark.

These figments of western imagination,
Began to move the town of my creation.
Over night, and in my sleep,
I awoke to cities at my feet.

Hand in hand 'round my bed,
The plastic soldiers raised my head,
These things that can't really be,
Made the best person out of me.
...because it'll take your breath away.

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games