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Window

Silhouetted, I stand against the bright window.
Though my eyes are screwed tight shut,
I know the outside looks:
at me, by me, through me -
despite my shroud of blindness,
I know that world does peer in.

Cold wind rushes through the open window,
as harsh as the lashings of cruel tongues,
I reach and shut out that cold
world that shut out so many before.
The creeping warmth of solitude
was too tempting to resist.

That night I dreamt my vision, unbolted,
stretched beyond the reaches of ordinary sight.
I looked past myself to the horizon,
at the point where the street lights meet the stars.
That night, I looked past the cloudy atmosphere
of our own tiny world, and saw

it's only one of billions more.
Gale Gynoid
Window

Silhouetted, I stand against the bright window.
Though my eyes are screwed tight shut,
I know the outside looks:
at me, by me, through me -
despite my shroud of blindness,
I know that world does peer in. One neat thing about this stanza is that you utilize a whole bunch of perspective changes; it's as if the movie camera switches to different shots as you alter the locations of the windows/eyes.

Cold wind rushes through the open window,
as harsh as the lashings of cruel tongues, Are there other meanings possible for lashings (such as ropework to tie something down?) You have to take care here, your word sounds are good, but just mixing around the usual wind being harsh or tongues lashing isn't enough to get the job done; I'd rather have the wind rush in as something unexpected, like ropes, and then have the rope change into tongues.
I reach and shut out that cold
world that shut out so many before.
The creeping warmth of solitude
was too tempting to resist.

That night I dreamt my vision, unbolted, I like this, being the natural development of "eyes as the windows of the soul."
stretched beyond the reaches of ordinary sight.
I looked past myself to the horizon,
at the point where the street lights meet the stars.
That night, I looked past the cloudy atmosphere
of our own tiny world, and saw

it's only one of billions more.


How about this?

Quote:
Silhouetted, I stand with my back
against the bright window.


I get the impression that you can't stand any old way, but that the window should be behind you to form a proper silhouette (It could also be a play on "My back's against the wall!"
Extrapolatron's avatar

Distinct Humorist

6,900 Points
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Conversationalist 100
  • Timid 100
Power Armor Felix
Gale Gynoid
Window

Silhouetted, I stand against the bright window.
Though my eyes are screwed tight shut,
I know the outside looks:
at me, by me, through me -
despite my shroud of blindness,
I know that world does peer in. One neat thing about this stanza is that you utilize a whole bunch of perspective changes; it's as if the movie camera switches to different shots as you alter the locations of the windows/eyes.

Cold wind rushes through the open window,
as harsh as the lashings of cruel tongues, Are there other meanings possible for lashings (such as ropework to tie something down?) You have to take care here, your word sounds are good, but just mixing around the usual wind being harsh or tongues lashing isn't enough to get the job done; I'd rather have the wind rush in as something unexpected, like ropes, and then have the rope change into tongues.
I reach and shut out that cold
world that shut out so many before.
The creeping warmth of solitude
was too tempting to resist.

That night I dreamt my vision, unbolted, I like this, being the natural development of "eyes as the windows of the soul."
stretched beyond the reaches of ordinary sight.
I looked past myself to the horizon,
at the point where the street lights meet the stars.
That night, I looked past the cloudy atmosphere
of our own tiny world, and saw

it's only one of billions more.


How about this?

Quote:
Silhouetted, I stand with my back
against the bright window.


I get the impression that you can't stand any old way, but that the window should be behind you to form a proper silhouette (It could also be a play on "My back's against the wall!"

Thanks for the valuable feedback.
I made some changes based on your suggestions, and also changed the last line of the middle stanza because, on re-reading, the imagery seemed a bit dull. The changes have been underlined.

Window
Silhouetted, I stand, my back
against the bright window.

Though my eyes are screwed tight shut,
I know the outside looks:
at me, by me, through me -
despite my shroud of blindness,
I know that world does peer in.

Cold wind rushes through the open window,
as the whiplash of an untied rope or tongue.
I reach and shut out that cold
world that shut out so many before.
The creeping warmth of solitude
enticed me into isolation's blue flame.

That night I dreamt my vision, unbolted,
stretched beyond the reaches of ordinary sight.
I looked past myself to the horizon,
at the point where the street lights meet the stars.
That night, I looked past the cloudy atmosphere
of our own tiny world, and saw

it's only one of billions more.
Gale Gynoid
Window

Silhouetted, I stand against the bright window.
Though my eyes are screwed tight shut, "Screwed tight shut" is a little confusing. I think I would choose "shut tight" or "screwed shut" for a more specific image.
I know the outside looks: Your use of a colon here does technically work, but I feel like it might be more fluid and help with the movement of your stanza to get rid of the colon here, "I know the outside looks / at me, by me, through me -"
at me, by me, through me -
despite my shroud of blindness,
I know that world does peer in. I feel a little uncomfortable with this statement. "... Despite my shroud of blindness, I know that world does peer in." I feel like you're saying THAT world, referencing the world outside the bright window, but I think it would make it more personal to say this world, as I feel that the window the voice is near is present in the referenced world.

Cold wind rushes through the open window,
as harsh as the lashings of cruel tongues, This comma should be a semi-colon. I love the relational feeling between the lashing of a cruel tongue, and a cold wind.
I reach and shut out that cold
world that shut out so many before.
The creeping warmth of solitude
was too tempting to resist.

That night I dreamt my vision, unbolted, And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this line for so many reasons. I like the ideas between un-bolting, like the idea of not bolting in motion, as well as the idea of unbolting/unlocking a door. Beautiful. And the sounds are just great.
stretched beyond the reaches of ordinary sight.
I looked past myself to the horizon,
at the point where the street lights meet the stars.
That night, I looked past the cloudy atmosphere
of our own tiny world, and saw

it's only one of billions more. Consider possibly saying "we are only one of billions more", maybe? I understand what you are getting at, being separate from the world you live in, but throughout the poem it feels very apparent that you are living in the world you are describing and are thus a fleshly part of it. Let me know what you think.

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