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Broken_Nightmare_x's avatar

Invisible Fairy

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I'm shy, please don't be too harsh.
What do you think ? Open to criticism sweatdrop



Shutting her eyes
She sees but darkness,
Craving escape from this torment
She suffers in silence
Suppressing her agony.

Apathy engulfs her
They don't understand,
How could they ?
They see the mask
That's carefully placed.
Fraying at the edges
Treading on shattered glass.

Nobody cares
Her final goodbye
As the knife skims her scarred skin
She crashes to the ground
A single tear falls from
Vacant eyes,
Blood glistens
As she disappears into the shadows

I enjoyed that lets write poetry together. You can help me get ready for my writing test
Broken_Nightmare_x's avatar

Invisible Fairy

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hellgirl_690
I en
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WideEyed's avatar

Shameless Hoarder

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Broken_Nightmare_x


I don't normally go for angsty stuff, but I rather liked this.
It's simple and direct, and manages to convey the speaker's desperation without going on and on about how the world is so hard and uncaring.

My only problems are minor ones and they relate to the last three lines of the second stanza.
I may be wrong, but the way it seems to work best for me, is with a hard stop at the end of line 5, "That's carefully placed", and requires perhaps, a pause before moving on to the last two lines.
Line five to me, describes the mask, but lines 6 and 7 feel like they describe the speaker.
I'm not sure if that's how you intended it, but if you did, it might work better if there was some way to make the transition of desriptives definitive.

The only other thing that seems somehow incongruent is the use of the word "crashes", and for me, the general feeling of fatal finality would be better served by using something more "passive" such as crumbles, crumples, slides,
This is a quiet and defeated passing, not an act of defiance.

LOL...this is of course all strictly my opinion.
Silver Bleeding Moon's avatar

Generous Sophomore

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i rather liked it. the use of "crash" makes me feel like she didnt care how hard she fell bt just wanted to get out. like the death was more important than anything else. and the description has a feel to both the braking mask and the person who is braking, or at least thats how i received it.
Broken_Nightmare_x's avatar

Invisible Fairy

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WideEyed
Broken_Nightmare_x


I don't normally go for angsty stuff, but I rather liked this.
It's simple and direct, and manages to convey the speaker's desperation without going on and on about how the world is so hard and uncaring.

My only problems are minor ones and they relate to the last three lines of the second stanza.
I may be wrong, but the way it seems to work best for me, is with a hard stop at the end of line 5, "That's carefully placed", and requires perhaps, a pause before moving on to the last two lines.
Line five to me, describes the mask, but lines 6 and 7 feel like they describe the speaker.
I'm not sure if that's how you intended it, but if you did, it might work better if there was some way to make the transition of desriptives definitive.

The only other thing that seems somehow incongruent is the use of the word "crashes", and for me, the general feeling of fatal finality would be better served by using something more "passive" such as crumbles, crumples, slides,
This is a quiet and defeated passing, not an act of defiance.

LOL...this is of course all strictly my opinion.


Thanks (: You were right about the punctuation, I changed it now razz
Broken_Nightmare_x's avatar

Invisible Fairy

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Silver Bleeding Moon
i rather liked it. the use of "crash" makes me feel like she didnt care how hard she fell bt just wanted to get out. like the death was more important than anything else. and the description has a feel to both the braking mask and the person who is braking, or at least thats how i received it.

Yeah, you recieved it how I intended, she doesn't care. Thanks for commenting smile
Broken_Nightmare_x's avatar

Invisible Fairy

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One Last Breath


She sits forgotten
Her legs dangling
Over the dingy water.
The moon fills the sky
Her scars shimmer

Wringing of hands
Her tormented heart
Twisting the ring he gave her
She becomes so hesitant
Her eyes so empty

Two strangers once
Full of hope
Full of broken promises
She mopes in sorrow
Of what could have been
Recurring recognitions
The evil shadow
Suppresses her soul.

Trapped with emotion
She takes one last breath
As she plunges into the deep, dark hole
Her beautiful blue eyes become so hollow
Sicko Nickolie's avatar

Girl-Crazy Man-Lover

I LOVED both of them. :3 <3
You need a little more puncuation, but I really liked all the words you chose to describe how she feels, I think that there just placed in the wrong timing.

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