Watch Over Me [Feedback?]

[Noodlepuss]

A beautiful woman
Once brimming with life
Now reduced to ashes
in a turquoise vessel
she would have adored


Back story:
This is just sort of a... start I suppose you could say. My cousin passed away almost a year ago and I've been trying really hard to write something to express my emotions. Anyways, any feedback on how I've started off? I really like focusing on the contrast between her as a person and her form now, as ashes sitting on a shelf next to my grandparents.

[XX Ahna XX]

Noodlepuss

A beautiful woman
Once brimming with life
Now reduced to ashes
in a turquoise vessel
she would have adored


Back story:
This is just sort of a... start I suppose you could say. My cousin passed away almost a year ago and I've been trying really hard to write something to express my emotions. Anyways, any feedback on how I've started off? I really like focusing on the contrast between her as a person and her form now, as ashes sitting on a shelf next to my grandparents.

A beautiful woman,
once brimming with life.
Now reduced to ashes
in a turquoise vessel
she would have adored.

Punctuation is your friend. Poets don't have to follow a lot of the rules a punctuation, but giving some gives the mind a break. Other that that very nice.

[PleasureToii]

I don't feel you expressing what you feel.
seems like you are stating what happened.
You could make it into a metaphor of her as a flower that was drown.
Flower= cousin
Water = death
drowning= her troubles in her past.
sun= good, you (that saw everything happened to the flower. )

[StandardUpstart]

It's incomplete. You have partial images that are never fleshed out. We could imply, but what we gather has very little force and you might as well say exactly what it is.

Example: "turquoise vessel," obviously a casket. This can be fleshed into a good metaphor. The casket was blue (more or less). What else is blue? (the sky for example) Make the casket that (the sky) and say something regarding the relationship to it. He's suddenly been buried in a piece of heaven, wrapped in an Earthy embrace/blanket/shroud.

Personally, I wouldn't use sky but it's what I came up with on a first pass. Just dig deeper into the images and symbolism surrounding the moments.

Did that make sense?

[Dark Angel Videl]

I think you did well on discribing her form back then and her form now.
But there is not alot to say abouit it because it's just the beginning.

In my opinion you don't need to have a methaphor, but it's what you like best.
Writing about someone you love who passed away is hard but looking at your beginning I think you did well.

The thing I don;t like is the vessel line.
If you want to focus on how she is now you can maybe add something like:
Looking from a shelf to the world she used to live in.
Just wrote this very fast but what I mean is that you can maybe explain what she sees now.

[A New Self]

I prefer being able to initially read the poem as if the author were dead, meaning I'm not fond of explanations when I don't ask. And I usually ask during the critical phase. Just sayin'. Anyway, even without your explanation, it's pretty clear what the piece is about.

Now, I like the irony of the whole project--someone who likes shiny turquoise vases, and ends up in one herself, but is too dead to appreciate it and all. Those kinds of things get me when done properly.

However, as I've stated before, if you're gonna go short, go strong. "Beautiful" is such a nondescript word. Same here with "once brimming with life." You took up two whole lines telling us about a woman without really giving us a solid idea. "Vessel" is okay (@Upstart it's an urn, not a casket) but it's still hovering on the edge of nebulous and it's a mouthful compared to "urn." Flesh out the image. Be precise. Or at least, be strong. Pick words that mean exactly what you want to say, and in the punchiest way possible, if you know what I mean.

[eloy011]

Really sorry for yr loss. Death is the last and most impotant part of life.