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Heyo, folks just hoping for general feedback and criticism, this is the first thing iv everr wrote:

I down another bottle, its a mystery why I keep slipping in misery, feels like im history, holding onto to a glimpse, god damn I wish, i wish I couldve seen what the imps be doin to my brain,filled it with pain, thoughts of going insane, I got sick playing this game, I couldnt stomach another drop, now im back again, fight my way to the top. The syrup is a stirup trying to mix it up, I pop a pill now im king of the hill, what comes up must come down,Its a long way to fall, no hand holds, back down th bottom, im a phantom no one knows im there but good God please beware, it wont be long till im floating and gliding and sliping and sliding having a good time, robotically electronically, not individually,no sense of will, ******** man I will kill, spill blood, cause a flood wash away the hurt bury it in the dirt. Cussin and fussin, reachin for the tussin, Im back again, forcefed this s**t, I cant swallow. Docter man this is my gallows, strung up, torn up, I slipped up, cant take another cup, but I just might, gotta have something to get me through the night, and in the height of my delerium im staring down the barrel of a gun cocked, locked and ready to flow, blow, both barrels, parallel hole, straight through,blood stains on the wall im begining to fall, darkness clouds over, my vision iss slower, I just dont know...Tussin oh Tussin why must we be fussing over your blessing, light up my night, Tussin oh Tussin
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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I honestly can't tell if this is poetry or prose. Either way, I recommend breaks.
Its a rap I wrote, while uhhh not in the physical world...I didnt think it need breaks seeing as it is meant to be a quick beat
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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robotussinDXM
Its a rap I wrote, while uhhh not in the physical world...I didnt think it need breaks seeing as it is meant to be a quick beat

So it's all one line?
well no breaks apart from the punctuation
RADI0 Mouse's avatar

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          ....
          My face doesn't know how to react to what it's just seen...


          Breaks aren't bad things, man.
          They help you read your rap a little easier so you can... y'know... rap it.


          It'd make it easier for us to figure out the beat and the rhythm of it, too.
          Wanna reformat it, then I might be able to get the beat of it down? As it is now, I can't read it if I tried.
Miz Lina's avatar

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No matter how fast it is it needs breaks.

Slam poetry needs breaks. Country songs need breaks. Raps need breaks.


If it is written, in words, on paper or a screen, it needs breaks.

There is not one single entity of communication that, when put into writing, does not need breaks.


Trust me.

Besides, doesn't rap have a beat? It's not like you're going to take a deep breath and just exhale the whole thing with no distinction between words. Breaks will show where the beat fits. Breaks will reinforce, not hinder, your flow.

edit: distinction*. God, I'm dumb today. Hope no one saw that.
aight, thanks for the advice guys, ill put up a edit in the next day or so when i get to a computer
robotussinDXM
aight, thanks for the advice guys, ill put up a edit in the next day or so when i get to a computer


But aren't you on one right now?
LoperDoper's avatar

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robotussinDXM
aight, thanks for the advice guys, ill put up a edit in the next day or so when i get to a computer


But aren't you on one right now?
I think they posted from a phone or something.
Yip, I was on the phonetic device.....Now heres a version with breaks:


I down another bottle, its a mystery why I keep slipping in misery, feels like im history,
holding onto to a glimpse, god damn I wish,
i wish I couldve seen what the imps be doin to my brain,
filled it with pain, thoughts of going insane,
I got sick playing this game, I couldnt stomach another drop,
now im back again, fight my way to the top.
The syrup is a stirup trying to mix it up,
I pop a pill now im king of the hill, what comes up must come down,
Its a long way to fall, no hand holds,
back down the bottom, im a phantom no one knows im there
but good God please beware,
it wont be long till im floating and gliding and sliping and sliding having a good time,
robotically electronically, not individually,
no sense of will, ******** man I will kill, spill blood, cause a flood
wash away the hurt bury it in the dirt.
Cussin and fussin, reachin for the tussin,
Im back again, forcefed this s**t,
I cant swallow. Docter man this is my gallows,
strung up, torn up, I slipped up, cant take another cup,
but I just might, gotta have something to get me through the night,
and in the height of my delerium im staring down the barrel of a gun
cocked, locked and ready to flow, blow,
both barrels, parallel hole, straight through,blood stains on the wall
im begining to fall, darkness clouds over, my vision iss slower,
I just dont know...

Tussin oh Tussin why must we be fussing over your blessing, light up my night, Tussin oh Tussin




Is the sorta breaks recomended?...Or should it be broken into seperate verses as well?
Thanks again people

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