Welcome to Gaia! ::

This poem is about the questions the go through our minds and the fear we feel when faced with trouble.This poem is about the hardships and the truth in relationships.Read i hope you enjoy custructive critisism is always welcome and thank you.

What do you say,
when the words just wont come?
When theres no way,
to voice whats inside.


What do you do,
when you need to show
the truth but it wont break through?
When everything goes wrong.


How do you know,
When the time is right
to push and to show
that you don't want to shout?

I don't know...


So here's my bell
my way of saying it's my turn
to stop,and tell
i'm ready now

So...

I'm writing this down
to let you know,
because i finally found
that i don't want to scream

That the tears i cry,
they show the truth
but,i dont know why,
i can't show you

We argue and fight
and my heart it throbs.
I don't know whats right
just that i wont leave

I'll push until i know,
that you love me back.
Until i see that you wont go
you'll stay with me.

How do i know,
when it's safe to cry,
to let you see the show,
and not get stage fright?

I don't...

But..

Tonight , I'll love you
tomorrow and forever on.
Through all the tears ill stay true
,because everything i want,
everything i need will always lie in you.
The rebel prince!'s avatar

Dapper Businesswoman

The first two issues apparent to me are the overuse of punctuation(where its not needed) and the inconsistency in your capitalization and punctuation


Quote:
I'm writing this down
to let you know,
because i finally found
that i don't want to scream[.]



With so many rhetorical questions it makes the diction stilted and pseudo philosophical. I dislike the set up of the stanzas, especially with the end stopping which makes the phrases sound that much more stressed therefore comes of as forced. I also believe if you make the lines longer and vary in line breaks(you know fooling around with enjambment and end stopping) the flow of the poem might be more fluid .The relationship between the narrator and who they are talking with is vague. We don't know really get a sense of their relationship, it feels transparent and artificial with comments like:

Quote:
We argue and fight
and my heart it throbs.
I don't know whats right
just that i wont leave


Another major issue is the lack of poetic devices and figurative language, more specifically the lack of imagery throughout the poem. An example would be:


Quote:
How do you know,
When the time is right
to push and to show
that you don't want to shout?


Could be:

Quote:
How do you
know
when the time is
right like when the sun gets up
from the hangover
of the night. Pieces of moon still trapped
in your eye as if it were broken blood cells.

So all so you can push and
not want to shout as if you
were an ugly hill being eaten out
by stale sea water.



A little wordy but do you see the difference?,


There isn't a really anything or reader to connect to and visualize the emotion. You assume that we some sort of background, that we can 'see' the conversation and the characters. The reader can't, you need to use devices and figurative language to help express the emotion visually and create emotion that isn't so melodramatic. Lastly is the forced rhyming, which I believe you should take out and put on the back burner until you are to able to execute poetic devices more effectively. I'd recommend reading poetry other than the general six pack of classics (Poe, Shakespeare Whitman, Dickinson. Frost, etc, etc).
Ok a poem isn't all about figurative language and imagery it's about an expression of emotion someone feels and needs to release.A poem is like a painting it's not written for the reader or the observer but for the artist herself.You want to read well that's all well and good.You can interpret it the way you feel is right but it's not written for your enjoyment it's written for the artist's sanity in fact. The punctuation might be off but that's because I copied it from one of my ruff drafts to get it here.Not every poem has imagery most use personification some yes use imagery as their literary devices but this one was written in a different style more to ask myself what I'm doing and try to get some answers that I didn't know how to answer.It wasn't to tell someone off. poetic devices don't make a poem emotion does.If you live your life stuck on poetic devices you will never write a poem worth writing.The questions weren't rhetorical they were actually questions did you even try to answer them yourself?How do you truly know when it's safe to show someone your true self?What is the right thing to do when you can't break through to someone you truly love?The ending phrase was supposed to be forced and stressed.Have you ever stuck true to someone even when they made you want to kill them because you love them it's supposed to be stressed because that truly is the ultimate truth.And you could right an amazing story with your love of devices but if that's all you care about then leave the poetry to the professionals.I've read every poet from yes Poe (who btw isn't all classic I've read poems from him and stories for that matter that you have never even heard of) to Longfellow( who i bet you didn't know was a poet) to Thomas Merton and so many more...so don't try to mess with my knowledge of literature.though I do thank you for your criticism not so much constructive but hey we can't all be winners lol. I recommend when you critique someone's writing next try to throw some good in there otherwise it just makes them angry.I hope you have a nice day thank you.
The rebel prince!'s avatar

Dapper Businesswoman

SouthernRaven
Ok a poem isn't all about figurative language and imagery it's about an expression of emotion someone feels and needs to release.


Craft poetry (which is what this forum is mainly about) is how you use figurative language and devices to express yourself. What you're talking about is therapy poetry meaning its written as therapeutic release without consideration of poetic elements which is a different animal.

Quote:
A poem is like a painting it's not written for the reader or the observer but for the artist herself.


Quite the opposite, art is meant to be viewed and critiqued.


Quote:
You want to read well that's all well and good.You can interpret it the way you feel is right but it's not written for your enjoyment it's written for the artist's sanity in fact.


Quote:
The punctuation might be off but that's because I copied it from one of my ruff drafts to get it here.


What stopped you from editing in the puncuation when you posted it in this forum?



Quote:
Not every poem has imagery


I disagree because the manipulation of imagery is essential, it's like trying to swim without your left leg. You can write a Senyru but it applies the element or rather the absence of imagery to express the message.

Quote:
poetic devices don't make a poem emotion does.


They are both necessary elements, you can't have without the other.

Love and marriage, love and marriage, Go together like a horse and carriagee.

xD

Quote:
If you live your life stuck on poetic devices you will never write a poem worth writing.


How do you get 'stuck' on poetic devices, do you mean planning and using them in a poem makes it not worth writing?

Quote:
The questions weren't rhetorical


Quote:
What do you say,
when the words just wont come?


That seems rhetorical to me.

Quote:

The ending phrase was supposed to be forced and stressed.


Yes, but when you execute something in a poemthat doesn't automatically mean it's effective or works in the poem you've written it in.

Quote:
And you could right an amazing story with your love of devices but if that's all you care about then leave the poetry to the professionals.


I never said that's all I cared about, it's just what I thought your poem was lacking in.

Quote:
I've read every poet from yes Poe (who btw isn't all classic I've read poems from him and stories for that matter that you have never even heard of) to Longfellow( who i bet you didn't know was a poet) to Thomas Merton and so many more...so don't try to mess with my knowledge of literature.


If you've studied so many poets and poems, why can't you apply a single basic element that's fluent throughout all their works to your own poem.

Quote:
.I hope you have a nice day thank you.


Thanks and good luck!

3nodding
Rhetorical means that it's not meant to be answered those questions always need to be answered by one person or another for a relationship to last.and being stuck on poetic devices means that your so worried about them that you can't truly let your emotions out because you want to make a pretty picture. there is no such thing as craft poetry there are different types such as ballads but the definition of poetry it's self is is an imaginative awareness of experience expressed through meaning, sound, and rhythmic language choices so as to evoke an emotional response. Poetry has been known to employ meter and rhyme, but this is by no means necessary.look it up I'm right.Poetry is suppose to unlock emotion not pretty pictures.Art is meant to be enjoyed and observed if you think different you obviously not an artist yourself.I didn't correct it at that point and time because my sister was having a baby and I was in a hurry you have a problem with that? The manipulation of imagery isn't essential helpful maybe but defiantly not like marriage without love. lol
And didn't you just say that the last phrase seemed stressed so obviously I got what I wanted to happen to happen right.So it was effective or are you contradicting yourself now?because once again I didn't want to use imagery at that point in time when I wrote this way back when I just wanted to not feel like that anymore.
you should read my post tomorrow you actually might like it.....
The rebel prince!'s avatar

Dapper Businesswoman

SouthernRaven
Rhetorical means that it's not meant to be answered those questions always need to be answered by one person or another for a relationship to last.



Quote:
Often a rhetorical question is intended as a challenge, with the implication that the question is difficult or impossible to answer.


Quote:
What do you say,
when the words just wont come?


Quote:
How do you truly know when it's safe to show someone your true self?


And I'm the one who contradicts.

Quote:
and being stuck on poetic devices means that your so worried about them that you can't truly let your emotions out because you want to make a pretty picture.


Yes but you just can't expect emotion and personal experiences to carry the entire poem.

Quote:
there is no such thing as craft poetry


The sticky at the top of this forum wrote.

Quote:
Poetry has been known to employ meter and rhyme, but this is by no means necessary.


I feel that's like saying a Haiku doesn't need to be about nature because its an element that can found in other forms.


Quote:
Poetry is suppose to unlock emotion not pretty pictures.


I believe to unlock the emotion you have to be expressive with otherwise they are just statements labeled as poetry.

Quote:
Art is meant to be enjoyed and observed if you think different you obviously not an artist yourself.


Art is meant to be critiqued, if you don't think critiques are not a necessary process and/or can't take them then you're just pretending to be an artist.

Quote:
I didn't correct it at that point and time because my sister was having a baby and I was in a hurry you have a problem with that?


Are you in a hurry now because you seem to have the time to converse with me?

Quote:
The manipulation of imagery isn't essential helpful maybe but defiantly not like marriage without love.


I was talking about poetic devices and figurative imagery which isn't just imagery.

It's a song by Frank Sinatra, I was making a joke.

xp

Quote:
And didn't you just say that the last phrase seemed stressed so obviously I got what I wanted to happen to happen right.


What I was getting at was that just because you got it to work and meets you expectations doesn't mean it's not flawed to the reader or the critic.

Quote:
once again I didn't want to use imagery at that point in time when I wrote this way back when I just wanted to not feel like that anymore.


Again, that suggests a therapeutic release.
Some of the stuff you just quoted I never said...and yes I got the joke I was making one back lol.and yes those questions are difficult to answer maybe not impossible but difficult yes ill give you that one. that's the exact definition of poetry look it up.And you talking about a sticky from a lady with a BA in mathematics? Should I take that to mean your going around critiquing peoples poems without actually knowing what poetry is? art is meant to be revised not critiqued over and over again because the more you critique it the less pure it becomes and the less of your voice shines through understand? Look I'm not saying your wrong in your views just that you have to always start raw with just the words that come to you in a dream or the middle of the day out of nowhere and keep the majority of those words there otherwise your writing becomes nothing more than a bunch of words that play together well and you loose all of your voice that brought that poem to life.No I'm not in a hurry now btw lol. And are you the reader or the critic because you seem more like the latter to me wink lol.And I agree this was a release for me doesn't mean you can't enjoy it all the same does it?

You should read my poem it's called tomorrow I posted it you might actually like it smile
The rebel prince!'s avatar

Dapper Businesswoman

SouthernRaven
Should I take that to mean your going around critiquing peoples poems without actually knowing what poetry is?


Yes.
SouthernRaven
Ok a poem isn't all about figurative language and imagery it's about an expression of emotion someone feels and needs to release.

Mate, you're confusing poetry with the diary you keep under your mattress.
SouthernRaven
I've read every poet from yes Poe (who btw isn't all classic I've read poems from him and stories for that matter that you have never even heard of)


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.
SouthernRaven
there is no such thing as craft poetry

Craft poetry is the stuff a poet intends to work on and publish, rather than the stuff they intend to hide away or burn.


Quote:
I didn't correct it at that point and time because my sister was having a baby and I was in a hurry you have a problem with that?

Why the smeg were you pootling about on Gaia when your sister was in labour?

SouthernRaven
Read i hope you enjoy custructive critisism is always welcome and thank you.

So what's the problem??
ok dude do you ever do anything besides go around on the forums and piss ppl off because this is the second time ive read what you wrote and you do nothing but criticize..so why don't you go and do something worth while with yourself rather than piss everyone else off?
Me?

Yep, I provide critiques, because that's what this subforum is for. wink

I also submit my own work for the same treatment. You can go and torture my poems if it makes you feel better.

Over in the Writing Contests subforum I'm running a 400k-competition reward a culture of workshopping and editing in the OP/L. (If you want to prove how horribly wrong you are, I guess you could always edit and ace the contest... Have you got the guts?) I'm interested in reading good poetry; I'm interested in the process of making poetry better. Part of that process is toughening up the delicate poetic ego. Become the rhinoceros!

You still haven't answered this:

SouthernRaven
Read i hope you enjoy custructive critisism is always welcome and thank you.

So what's the problem??

And you have to admit your Poe comment was begging for a Hipster Poe meme.
oh ya and what about music?do you do the same for that?

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games