Too Attached (Poem)

[envy- a feeling of]

It's hard to fall in love with every single girl you talk to when it's not reciprocated
because it's obvious how the pain sets in, and 9 times out of 10 you become hated
It's because the insane infatuation initiated towards those girls is so confined
because the unreciprocated dedicated infatuation fades from an unchivalrous mind
and the demolished emotions that are felt are unknown to the rest,
but that's only for the best
because a guilt trip is not built,
the set in stone is just silt,
and there is only one person left in wilt
so the next time I believe that because she laughs at my jokes and has rebuilt my heart,
the one I just spilled,
it doesn't mean to bleed it out, because I will be the only one who is killed.

[Skwerli]

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

It's hard to fall in love with every single girl you talk to when it's not reciprocated
because it's obvious how the pain sets in, and 9 times out of 10 you become hated I like this line, but I'd play more toward the fact that the disappointment is more visible than you'd like it to be, and instead of becoming hated, they seem to decide you're an awkward loser or something and possibly call you a stalker.
It's because the insane infatuation initiated towards those girls is so confined The alliteration here is nice.
because the unreciprocated dedicated infatuation fades from an unchivalrous mind
and the demolished emotions that are felt are unknown to the rest,
but that's only for the best
because a guilt trip is not built, This line and
the set in stone is just silt, this line are perfect. Absolutely perfect.
and there is only one person left in wilt I'd revise this one. It doesn't make much sense grammatically.
so the next time I believe that because she laughs at my jokes and has rebuilt my heart,
the one I just spilled,
it doesn't mean to bleed it out, because I will be the only one who is killed. I would have made this less about bleeding and dying because love and more about remembering that she's a generic and non-gender-specific person and you can't allow yourself to think "Ooh! Girl! Need Girl! LOVE ME!"

The longer lines are a bit too long.
This kinda seems like a "Nice Guys Finish Last" speech, to which I refer you to this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VXXXX9iVPI
and then advise you to stop thinking about time with women in terms of relationship potential and more about "Hey, wanna play Mario Kart or something?" The best way to get a relationship is to stop thinking about them altogether. The moment you stop looking, someone becomes your best friend, and then BAM! you're married with three kids, all of which are convince that they're going to get a letter from Hogwarts.

[envy- a feeling of]

Skwerli

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

It's hard to fall in love with every single girl you talk to when it's not reciprocated
because it's obvious how the pain sets in, and 9 times out of 10 you become hated I like this line, but I'd play more toward the fact that the disappointment is more visible than you'd like it to be, and instead of becoming hated, they seem to decide you're an awkward loser or something and possibly call you a stalker.
It's because the insane infatuation initiated towards those girls is so confined The alliteration here is nice.
because the unreciprocated dedicated infatuation fades from an unchivalrous mind
and the demolished emotions that are felt are unknown to the rest,
but that's only for the best
because a guilt trip is not built, This line and
the set in stone is just silt, this line are perfect. Absolutely perfect.
and there is only one person left in wilt I'd revise this one. It doesn't make much sense grammatically.
so the next time I believe that because she laughs at my jokes and has rebuilt my heart,
the one I just spilled,
it doesn't mean to bleed it out, because I will be the only one who is killed. I would have made this less about bleeding and dying because love and more about remembering that she's a generic and non-gender-specific person and you can't allow yourself to think "Ooh! Girl! Need Girl! LOVE ME!"

The longer lines are a bit too long.
This kinda seems like a "Nice Guys Finish Last" speech, to which I refer you to this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VXXXX9iVPI
and then advise you to stop thinking about time with women in terms of relationship potential and more about "Hey, wanna play Mario Kart or something?" The best way to get a relationship is to stop thinking about them altogether. The moment you stop looking, someone becomes your best friend, and then BAM! you're married with three kids, all of which are convince that they're going to get a letter from Hogwarts.

Well, I'm not a nice guy by any means and I don't not blame any girl whatsoever for them not dating me, I don't really attempt to date them anyway. I just get attached to them if we become friendly and never make a move because I understand 3 things:

1. They aren't being friendly with me for a relationship. I understand they want to be friends even if I don't want to be.

2. I can be way too much of a massive p***k for girls to actually to tolerate me for an hour, let alone date me.

3. If I don't believe in myself and love myself, I refuse to let anybody tell me they do. Because then I become reliant I on their emotions for my happiness, which I kind of already do and shouldn't increase.

and I don't view women as "relationship potential", and it's not that I'm desperate and just want a girlfriend, I just gain a massive infatuation towards practically every girl my age that stumbles into my life somehow. It fades after about 2 months, though. Except 1 girl but that's a whole different discussion.

[Skwerli]

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

Skwerli

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

It's hard to fall in love with every single girl you talk to when it's not reciprocated
because it's obvious how the pain sets in, and 9 times out of 10 you become hated I like this line, but I'd play more toward the fact that the disappointment is more visible than you'd like it to be, and instead of becoming hated, they seem to decide you're an awkward loser or something and possibly call you a stalker.
It's because the insane infatuation initiated towards those girls is so confined The alliteration here is nice.
because the unreciprocated dedicated infatuation fades from an unchivalrous mind
and the demolished emotions that are felt are unknown to the rest,
but that's only for the best
because a guilt trip is not built, This line and
the set in stone is just silt, this line are perfect. Absolutely perfect.
and there is only one person left in wilt I'd revise this one. It doesn't make much sense grammatically.
so the next time I believe that because she laughs at my jokes and has rebuilt my heart,
the one I just spilled,
it doesn't mean to bleed it out, because I will be the only one who is killed. I would have made this less about bleeding and dying because love and more about remembering that she's a generic and non-gender-specific person and you can't allow yourself to think "Ooh! Girl! Need Girl! LOVE ME!"

The longer lines are a bit too long.
This kinda seems like a "Nice Guys Finish Last" speech, to which I refer you to this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VXXXX9iVPI
and then advise you to stop thinking about time with women in terms of relationship potential and more about "Hey, wanna play Mario Kart or something?" The best way to get a relationship is to stop thinking about them altogether. The moment you stop looking, someone becomes your best friend, and then BAM! you're married with three kids, all of which are convince that they're going to get a letter from Hogwarts.

Well, I'm not a nice guy by any means and I don't not blame any girl whatsoever for them not dating me, I don't really attempt to date them anyway. I just get attached to them if we become friendly and never make a move because I understand 3 things:

1. They aren't being friendly with me for a relationship. I understand they want to be friends even if I don't want to be.

2. I can be way too much of a massive p***k for girls to actually to tolerate me for an hour, let alone date me.

3. If I don't believe in myself and love myself, I refuse to let anybody tell me they do. Because then I become reliant I on their emotions for my happiness, which I kind of already do and shouldn't increase.

and I don't view women as "relationship potential", and it's not that I'm desperate and just want a girlfriend, I just gain a massive infatuation towards practically every girl my age that stumbles into my life somehow. It fades after about 2 months, though. Except 1 girl but that's a whole different discussion.

Also, the reason it comes off as "NEED GIRL" is because that's kind of at the point I feel by the end of it, I feel like I absolutely need a girl in my life and it leaves me emotionally killed because of her well-used ignorance.

Makes sense. A guy I used to know used to think of every girl he met as a sort of transgendered person in that "everyone started out with a p***s" and that seemed to help him.
Maybe make the fact that you're basically yelling at yourself for being so easily enamoured more obvious?

[envy- a feeling of]

Skwerli

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

Skwerli

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

It's hard to fall in love with every single girl you talk to when it's not reciprocated
because it's obvious how the pain sets in, and 9 times out of 10 you become hated I like this line, but I'd play more toward the fact that the disappointment is more visible than you'd like it to be, and instead of becoming hated, they seem to decide you're an awkward loser or something and possibly call you a stalker.
It's because the insane infatuation initiated towards those girls is so confined The alliteration here is nice.
because the unreciprocated dedicated infatuation fades from an unchivalrous mind
and the demolished emotions that are felt are unknown to the rest,
but that's only for the best
because a guilt trip is not built, This line and
the set in stone is just silt, this line are perfect. Absolutely perfect.
and there is only one person left in wilt I'd revise this one. It doesn't make much sense grammatically.
so the next time I believe that because she laughs at my jokes and has rebuilt my heart,
the one I just spilled,
it doesn't mean to bleed it out, because I will be the only one who is killed. I would have made this less about bleeding and dying because love and more about remembering that she's a generic and non-gender-specific person and you can't allow yourself to think "Ooh! Girl! Need Girl! LOVE ME!"

The longer lines are a bit too long.
This kinda seems like a "Nice Guys Finish Last" speech, to which I refer you to this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VXXXX9iVPI
and then advise you to stop thinking about time with women in terms of relationship potential and more about "Hey, wanna play Mario Kart or something?" The best way to get a relationship is to stop thinking about them altogether. The moment you stop looking, someone becomes your best friend, and then BAM! you're married with three kids, all of which are convince that they're going to get a letter from Hogwarts.

Well, I'm not a nice guy by any means and I don't not blame any girl whatsoever for them not dating me, I don't really attempt to date them anyway. I just get attached to them if we become friendly and never make a move because I understand 3 things:

1. They aren't being friendly with me for a relationship. I understand they want to be friends even if I don't want to be.

2. I can be way too much of a massive p***k for girls to actually to tolerate me for an hour, let alone date me.

3. If I don't believe in myself and love myself, I refuse to let anybody tell me they do. Because then I become reliant I on their emotions for my happiness, which I kind of already do and shouldn't increase.

and I don't view women as "relationship potential", and it's not that I'm desperate and just want a girlfriend, I just gain a massive infatuation towards practically every girl my age that stumbles into my life somehow. It fades after about 2 months, though. Except 1 girl but that's a whole different discussion.

Also, the reason it comes off as "NEED GIRL" is because that's kind of at the point I feel by the end of it, I feel like I absolutely need a girl in my life and it leaves me emotionally killed because of her well-used ignorance.

Makes sense. A guy I used to know used to think of every girl he met as a sort of transgendered person in that "everyone started out with a p***s" and that seemed to help him.
Maybe make the fact that you're basically yelling at yourself for being so easily enamoured more obvious?

Here, how about this:

I need to stop loving when it's not reciprocated.
Because it's obvious how the pain sets in, not interrelated.
The insane infatuation initiated towards them is so confined.
The unreciprocated dedication from an unchivalrous mind,
and the demolished emotions are unknown to the rest,
but that will always be for the best.
Because a guilt trip is not built,
and the set in stone is just silt.
So the next time they laughs at my jokes and have rebuilt my heart,
something that I always let go of right from the start,
the one that is my fault for breaking,
it doesn't mean to connect, because I will be the one aching.

[Skwerli]

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

Here, how about this:

I need to stop loving when it's not reciprocated.
Because it's obvious how the pain sets in, not interrelated.
The insane infatuation initiated towards them is so confined.
The unreciprocated dedication from an unchivalrous mind,
and the demolished emotions are unknown to the rest,
but that will always be for the best.
Because a guilt trip is not built,
and the set in stone is just silt.
So when they laugh at my jokes and have rebuilt the heart,
that I always let go of right from the start, maybe put some brackets around this line?
the one that is my fault for breaking, also within the brackets, and might sound better as, "it's my own fault that it keeps breaking]"
it doesn't mean to connect, because I will be the one aching. possibly end this in "because I'll be left aching" to keep the flow of rhythm?

Much better. I've only got a couple of suggestions for it.

The dark red bits are suggested replacements. There's a red highlighted word that I fixed.
Aside from what I've suggested, it's perfect.

[envy- a feeling of]

Skwerli

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

Here, how about this:

I need to stop loving when it's not reciprocated.
Because it's obvious how the pain sets in, not interrelated.
The insane infatuation initiated towards them is so confined.
The unreciprocated dedication from an unchivalrous mind,
and the demolished emotions are unknown to the rest,
but that will always be for the best.
Because a guilt trip is not built,
and the set in stone is just silt.
So when they laugh at my jokes and have rebuilt the heart,
that I always let go of right from the start, maybe put some brackets around this line?
the one that is my fault for breaking, also within the brackets, and might sound better as, "it's my own fault that it keeps breaking]"
it doesn't mean to connect, because I will be the one aching. possibly end this in "because I'll be left aching" to keep the flow of rhythm?

Much better. I've only got a couple of suggestions for it.

The dark red bits are suggested replacements. There's a red highlighted word that I fixed.
Aside from what I've suggested, it's perfect.

Just one last check, I really appreciate your help.

I need to stop loving when it's not reciprocated.
Because it's obvious how the pain sets in, not interrelated.
The insane infatuation initiated towards them is so confined.
The unreciprocated dedication from an unchivalrous mind,
and the demolished emotions are unknown to the rest,
but that will always be for the best.
Because a guilt trip is not built,
and the set in stone is just silt.
So when they laugh at my jokes and have rebuilt the heart,
[that I always let go of right from the start,
the one that is my fault for breaking,]
it doesn't mean to connect, because I'll be left aching.

How is that?

[Skwerli]

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

Just one last check, I really appreciate your help.

I need to stop loving when it's not reciprocated.
Because it's obvious how the pain sets in, not interrelated.
The insane infatuation initiated towards them is so confined.
The unreciprocated dedication from an unchivalrous mind,
and the demolished emotions are unknown to the rest,
but that will always be for the best.
Because a guilt trip is not built,
and the set in stone is just silt.
So when they laugh at my jokes and have rebuilt the heart,
[that I always let go of right from the start,
the one that is my fault for breaking,]
it doesn't mean to connect, because I'll be left aching.

How is that?

Gorgeous.
And thank you for appreciating critique. I think there's one n00b on here that doesn't understand what this subforum is for. I gave him suggestions, but he insisted he'd rather stick with the cliche than build upon what he had and make it glorious. 10 years ago (gods, have I really been on here that long?), he'd have been heavily corrected for his refusal to learn from the community. I mean, it's written in the stickies and the Rules/Guidelines announcement that part of the function of this forum is that each post is critiqued pretty hard, and deciding to ignore any advice given is highly frowned upon.
Again, thank you for not being an asshat.

[envy- a feeling of]

Skwerli

CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY

Just one last check, I really appreciate your help.

I need to stop loving when it's not reciprocated.
Because it's obvious how the pain sets in, not interrelated.
The insane infatuation initiated towards them is so confined.
The unreciprocated dedication from an unchivalrous mind,
and the demolished emotions are unknown to the rest,
but that will always be for the best.
Because a guilt trip is not built,
and the set in stone is just silt.
So when they laugh at my jokes and have rebuilt the heart,
[that I always let go of right from the start,
the one that is my fault for breaking,]
it doesn't mean to connect, because I'll be left aching.

How is that?

Gorgeous.
And thank you for appreciating critique. I think there's one n00b on here that doesn't understand what this subforum is for. I gave him suggestions, but he insisted he'd rather stick with the cliche than build upon what he had and make it glorious. 10 years ago (gods, have I really been on here that long?), he'd have been heavily corrected for his refusal to learn from the community. I mean, it's written in the stickies and the Rules/Guidelines announcement that part of the function of this forum is that each post is critiqued pretty hard, and deciding to ignore any advice given is highly frowned upon.
Again, thank you for not being an asshat.