To Want (Original Poem/critique please?)

[DoIor]

Thought this was worthy of the forums.
Edited the last two lines.

Always the first and never the last,
And learning nothing from the past.
Fate is taking too much time.
So go faster, faster, faster.

To want what's at the end.
No, not the end of life.
To want the peak,
The fruit of the tree.

But saplings
Have yet to even
Understand the fruit.
So why want?

To want what is mysterious,
And yearn for knowledge, experience.
To feel the things others feel.
To know, and to keep.

The conflicting emotion
That this yearning brings
Causes us to make mistakes.
And we are judged by them.

But in the end, is everyone happy?
Or does everyone get
What they deserve?
What they want?
What they need?

I suppose those questions
We've yet to yearn.

[Ayran Vesper]

Reading... I'll get back to you once I've digested it enough.

[DoIor]

Ayran Vesper

Reading... I'll get back to you once I've digested it enough.

Okie dokies. ^__^

[Ayran Vesper]

DoIor Vakarian Hellbond

Ayran Vesper

Reading... I'll get back to you once I've digested it enough.

Okie dokies. ^__^

conceptually its well written and it gets the point across. Its a beautiful meaning, the question or the epiphany of life. I like your vocabulary as well.

But the problem with the poem i guess... from a critical stand point is that its to disjointed. You have to choose a pattern of writing/syntax I guess. It could flow a lot better then what it does right now. I had to read each stanza a couple times to make sure I knew the flow of which you were thinking of when it should be apparent while reading it around the first/second times. I recomend you reading it out loud to yourself and trying to see if you can find those breaks in the flow that I'm talking about. Its easily fixed. Also dont start with a pentameter structure and not continue it. That is what disjointed it initially. Find a pattern, it doesn't have to be obvious but stick to it. Its how you create flow with each line heart

Other then that is pretty good. I'd give it like a 7/10. Its a very nice idea, thank you for sharing it with us.

[DoIor]

Ayran Vesper

DoIor Vakarian Hellbond

Ayran Vesper

Reading... I'll get back to you once I've digested it enough.

Okie dokies. ^__^

conceptually its well written and it gets the point across. Its a beautiful meaning, the question or the epiphany of life. I like your vocabulary as well.

But the problem with the poem i guess... from a critical stand point is that its to disjointed. You have to choose a pattern of writing/syntax I guess. It could flow a lot better then what it does right now. I had to read each stanza a couple times to make sure I knew the flow of which you were thinking of when it should be apparent while reading it around the first/second times. I recomend you reading it out loud to yourself and trying to see if you can find those breaks in the flow that I'm talking about. Its easily fixed. Also dont start with a pentameter structure and not continue it. That is what disjointed it initially. Find a pattern, it doesn't have to be obvious but stick to it. Its how you create flow with each line heart

Other then that is pretty good. I'd give it like a 7/10. Its a very nice idea, thank you for sharing it with us.

I recognized it didn't flow very well after I came back to it a bit later. I see what you mean by the pentameter. Thank you for the critique! This helps a lot.

[Ayran Vesper]

DoIor Vakarian Hellbond

Ayran Vesper

DoIor Vakarian Hellbond

Ayran Vesper

Reading... I'll get back to you once I've digested it enough.

Okie dokies. ^__^

conceptually its well written and it gets the point across. Its a beautiful meaning, the question or the epiphany of life. I like your vocabulary as well.

But the problem with the poem i guess... from a critical stand point is that its to disjointed. You have to choose a pattern of writing/syntax I guess. It could flow a lot better then what it does right now. I had to read each stanza a couple times to make sure I knew the flow of which you were thinking of when it should be apparent while reading it around the first/second times. I recomend you reading it out loud to yourself and trying to see if you can find those breaks in the flow that I'm talking about. Its easily fixed. Also dont start with a pentameter structure and not continue it. That is what disjointed it initially. Find a pattern, it doesn't have to be obvious but stick to it. Its how you create flow with each line heart

Other then that is pretty good. I'd give it like a 7/10. Its a very nice idea, thank you for sharing it with us.

I recognized it didn't flow very well after I came back to it a bit later. I see what you mean by the pentameter. Thank you for the critique! This helps a lot.

always reread it like 10 times to yourself outloud ^ w^. I'm glad that I could be of service to you heart Thank you again.