"The Rain that Burns"; feedback anyone?

[darkangelamelia]

The Rain that Burns

Rain drops
Hammering upon my head
Knocking as if to say,
"Anyone home?"
A home no longer
Just house
A house full of the aches
of love and hate
My aching head is
throbbing like
the beating of my heart
My heart burns
Why do you care?
Because I am the rain
pounding like a drum
upon your skull
As if to ask,
"Are you listening?"

[sweetbbyfox]

darkangelamelia

The Rain that Burns

Rain drops
Hammering upon my head
Knocking as if to say,
"Anyone home?"
A home no longer
Just house
A house full of the aches
of love and hate
My aching head is
throbbing like
the beating of my heart
My heart burns
Why do you care?
Because I am the rain
pounding like a drum
upon your skull
As if to ask,
"Are you listening?"

I love the idea you have here. It's simple but deep. I suggest a couple things. At the part:
"A house full of aches
of love and hate
My aching head is"
there isn't much flow and the "aches/aching" are too spaced apart or too close depending how you look at it. Cause later on when you say:
"the beating of my heart
my heart burns"
here you repeat "heart", but it works because its right after the other and it flows smoothly and rhythimically. But i love to two questions of "anyone home?" and "are you listening?" biggrin It's cute. But good job all together, its a nice poem 3nodding

[Alkalune]

darkangelamelia

The Rain that Burns

Rain drops (better verb than drop?)
Hammering upon my head
Knocking as if to say,
"Anyone home?"
A home no longer
Just (a?) house
A house full of the aches
of love and hate (this line loses the flow . . . or repeat hate in the next line instead--i like the idea of hate throbbing more than the head)
My aching head is
throbbing like
the beating of my heart
My heart burns
Why do you care?
Because I am the rain
pounding like a drum (boring drum simile)
upon your skull
As if to ask,
"Are you listening?"