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The Rain that Burns

Rain drops
Hammering upon my head
Knocking as if to say,
"Anyone home?"
A home no longer
Just house
A house full of the aches
of love and hate
My aching head is
throbbing like
the beating of my heart
My heart burns
Why do you care?
Because I am the rain
pounding like a drum
upon your skull
As if to ask,
"Are you listening?"
Inka10's avatar

Anxious Fatcat

darkangelamelia
The Rain that Burns

Rain drops
Hammering upon my head
Knocking as if to say,
"Anyone home?"
A home no longer
Just house
A house full of the aches
of love and hate
My aching head is
throbbing like
the beating of my heart
My heart burns
Why do you care?
Because I am the rain
pounding like a drum
upon your skull
As if to ask,
"Are you listening?"

I love the idea you have here. It's simple but deep. I suggest a couple things. At the part:
"A house full of aches
of love and hate
My aching head is"
there isn't much flow and the "aches/aching" are too spaced apart or too close depending how you look at it. Cause later on when you say:
"the beating of my heart
my heart burns"
here you repeat "heart", but it works because its right after the other and it flows smoothly and rhythimically. But i love to two questions of "anyone home?" and "are you listening?" biggrin It's cute. But good job all together, its a nice poem 3nodding
Alkalune's avatar

Kawaii Hoarder

darkangelamelia
The Rain that Burns

Rain drops (better verb than drop?)
Hammering upon my head
Knocking as if to say,
"Anyone home?"
A home no longer
Just (a?) house
A house full of the aches
of love and hate (this line loses the flow . . . or repeat hate in the next line instead--i like the idea of hate throbbing more than the head)
My aching head is
throbbing like
the beating of my heart
My heart burns
Why do you care?
Because I am the rain
pounding like a drum (boring drum simile)
upon your skull
As if to ask,
"Are you listening?"

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