I have not written anything in a very very long time and I am even worse now than I was then. The following poem is essentially a throw-away poem but I would really like to work it into something decent-ish just to get back into the swing of things. Please, please give me some constructive criticism. I want to write again but I'm having trouble writing anything at all. I'm really hoping working through something will help with that. Thanks! (I hope i did the subject right... I don't see a lot of NC, CW, CE in the forum...)
Like the sickly sweet choking smell of rotting
fruit hidden away at the bottom of a basket,
he often suspected that he was selfish.
i really want to like this as an opening line, but something about it seems a bit clunky. i think there are either too many syllables, or it should be a more simply worded metaphor.
Like a blackening apple,
comma is probably unnecessary covered in fruit flies,
in plain view on the table,
he sometimes knew that he was selfish.
He told himself that wishing he was dead
and his wife alive was kind good selfless loving--
there is missing punctuation here depending on what you are trying to communicate
that was the hidden apple.
He knew that really he wanted
to be the one that didn't have to feel
grief and pain and life alone.
maybe cut from "grief" to "life" and instead have it be "this". it's still a bit of a cliche, but it is much less so than previously.
He did not want
to die, though, and that
was the shiny new apple
still in the plastic grocery store bag.
cut "plastic" and "store". too many syllables for not enough payoff.
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