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Hey, folks! It's been a long time, but I needed validation, so I'll haunt you once more. Here's the poem:


So Much I Can't Scream


I remember her words.
Not what they were
so much as the look and feel of them
as they plopped out of her mouth,
Breaking and splattering on the ground.
No one else seemed to be bothered by the smell.

They were distracted by her face.
Her pretty face.
Her eyes
they gleamed and flickered
with the fires of hell
so gracefully
you'd think it was love at first spite.

The cyanide perfume she wore
seeped into each alveolus
enriching my blood
with incredible devastation.

Poniards were caressed so suavely by her tongue
each slice in my flesh
was perceived as jealousy on my part.
I fell to the bottom of the grave so quickly
they assumed my death was my own fault.

My lover was carried away from my tomb
on the back of a vulture
with the promise of a better ********
lying behind her bedroom door.

I then died willingly.

And no one remembered my name.

your big bro's Significant Otter

Icy Rogue

I like the image of words plopping out of a person's mouth like fruit or poop.

To improve, I suggest on trying to say things indirectly. Allow people to infer things. For example, there's no need to describe her face as "Spiteful" when we have a feeling that all is not right.

There's a lot of emotion and interesting imagery in this. Keep writing!
sora wonk
I like the image of words plopping out of a person's mouth like fruit or poop.

To improve, I suggest on trying to say things indirectly. Allow people to infer things. For example, there's no need to describe her face as "Spiteful" when we have a feeling that all is not right.

There's a lot of emotion and interesting imagery in this. Keep writing!


Any better with the edits?

Demonic Kitten

You can take out a lot of those little words like "to", "be", "was", "for", "they" in the places where they really aren't necessary. I would also suggest trying breaking it up into stanzas, keeping in mind that each stanza should have its own distinct purpose in this descriptive narrative. But that is just a suggestion, it's fine how you have it too.
lucidpattern
You can take out a lot of those little words like "to", "be", "was", "for", "they" in the places where they really aren't necessary. I would also suggest trying breaking it up into stanzas, keeping in mind that each stanza should have its own distinct purpose in this descriptive narrative. But that is just a suggestion, it's fine how you have it too.


Input is always welcome.

your big bro's Significant Otter

Icy Rogue

Skwerli
sora wonk
I like the image of words plopping out of a person's mouth like fruit or poop.

To improve, I suggest on trying to say things indirectly. Allow people to infer things. For example, there's no need to describe her face as "Spiteful" when we have a feeling that all is not right.

There's a lot of emotion and interesting imagery in this. Keep writing!


Any better with the edits?
Yes, looks better! I might take out "you'd hardly notice the hate" but I really like the cyanide perfume.
sora wonk
Skwerli
sora wonk
I like the image of words plopping out of a person's mouth like fruit or poop.

To improve, I suggest on trying to say things indirectly. Allow people to infer things. For example, there's no need to describe her face as "Spiteful" when we have a feeling that all is not right.

There's a lot of emotion and interesting imagery in this. Keep writing!


Any better with the edits?
Yes, looks better! I might take out "you'd hardly notice the hate" but I really like the cyanide perfume.
Danke, lovely!

Beloved Bunny

Not claiming to be good at poetry myself, but here were some things I noticed:
Skwerli

I remember her words.
Not what they were
so much as the look and feel of them
(1)
as they plopped(2) out of her mouth,
Breaking(3) and splattering on the ground.
No one else seemed to be bothered by the smell(4).

They were distracted by her face.
Her pretty face.
Her eyes
they(5) gleamed and flickered
with the fires of hell
so gracefully
you'd think it was love at first spite.

The cyanide perfume she wore
seeped into each alveolus(6)
enriching my blood
with incredible devastation.

Poniards were caressed so suavely by her tongue
each slice in my flesh
was perceived as jealousy on my part.
(7)

(1) I like these opening lines. Attention-grabbing.
(2) this is a nice use of imagery / action word

(3) should this be capitalized? It follows a comma, and the capitalization here does not conform to the capitalization of rest of the piece. Is it deliberate? I think it distracts.
(4) good job bringing sense of smell into the picture
(5) 'They' here is superfluous. I guess it is okay if you are using a certain kind of speech, but I think it looks better without it.
(6) It is good that you left enough context clues for someone to figure out what 'alveolus' means.
(7) Dunno if it is because of 'in' or 'on my part,' but this feels a bit awkward. It is tough to imagine this. 'Slice in' or 'slice of'? The slice itself was seen as jealousy, ok, but how does 'on my part' fit into this? So I figured out a little bit why this was awkward. Having not known that poniard ~ dagger, these lines are confusing as hell. Also, rather than letting 'on my part' hang out at the end of that sentence and add another layer of complexity to the confusion, it might be better to rephrase that part in a way that is easier to digest. Rewording the entire sentence might help clarify the meaning. So that you get an idea of what I was going through, I was imagining her licking some bubbly lump, and pieces of flesh somehow represented jealousy.

Hope these are helpful points. ninja
inili
Not claiming to be good at poetry myself, but here were some things I noticed:
Skwerli

I remember her words.
Not what they were
so much as the look and feel of them
(1)
as they plopped(2) out of her mouth,
Breaking(3) and splattering on the ground.
No one else seemed to be bothered by the smell(4).

They were distracted by her face.
Her pretty face.
Her eyes
they(5) gleamed and flickered
with the fires of hell
so gracefully
you'd think it was love at first spite.

The cyanide perfume she wore
seeped into each alveolus(6)
enriching my blood
with incredible devastation.

Poniards were caressed so suavely by her tongue
each slice in my flesh
was perceived as jealousy on my part.
(7)

(1) I like these opening lines. Attention-grabbing.
(2) this is a nice use of imagery / action word

(3) should this be capitalized? It follows a comma, and the capitalization here does not conform to the capitalization of rest of the piece. Is it deliberate? I think it distracts.
(4) good job bringing sense of smell into the picture
(5) 'They' here is superfluous. I guess it is okay if you are using a certain kind of speech, but I think it looks better without it.
(6) It is good that you left enough context clues for someone to figure out what 'alveolus' means.
(7) Dunno if it is because of 'in' or 'on my part,' but this feels a bit awkward. It is tough to imagine this. 'Slice in' or 'slice of'? The slice itself was seen as jealousy, ok, but how does 'on my part' fit into this? So I figured out a little bit why this was awkward. Having not known that poniard ~ dagger, these lines are confusing as hell. Also, rather than letting 'on my part' hang out at the end of that sentence and add another layer of complexity to the confusion, it might be better to rephrase that part in a way that is easier to digest. Rewording the entire sentence might help clarify the meaning. So that you get an idea of what I was going through, I was imagining her licking some bubbly lump, and pieces of flesh somehow represented jealousy.

Hope these are helpful points. ninja
Super helpful. When I'm next on a pc that isn't afraid of WiFi, i'll fix it. Thanks!

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