XxAmourLaArtsxX
Light crisp air inflates my lungs
The slight chill on my tongue
I hear the crunch of bones as i walk along this path
There is no future and no past
A cover of black embody s my soul
I take a peek in the key hole
That one pure light embraces my soul as i let out the darkness
I go into the room as i see a gray carcass
I look away tears run down my face
This is something i cannot brace
I plead to the darkness to let me go
Light embers begin to glow
I look up to the ceiling, smiling
Woes and fears piling
I look to the side
sat down and cried
knowing that i had lied
I'm not sure if you're looking for someone to review it? Anyhow, I just thought I'd say what I do and you can choose to filter through.
I thought the first two words were too much description at once, but, to my surprise, I ended up feeling them. So I liked that.
Basically, I thought this was awesome:
'Light crisp air inflates my lungs
The slight chill on my tongue
I hear the crunch of bones as i walk along this path
There is no future and no past'
That could embrace so much.
The rest of it is out of touch for me;
'a cover of black' (about the soul) was weird because we were so physical a moment ago. And the word 'cover' seems too simple at this point.
I don't get why you take 'a peek' into a key hole. I guess it was surprising because I thought we were outdoors, lol. (Or maybe you still are?)
So why is the keyhole light pure? Is it not the room of death?
Or does the keyhole take your darkness, which you then step into? (Well, actually, you say that 'I' let out the darkness)
Don't know why you'd want to step in there, then xD
Is the darkness you plead to the same as what was removed?
There are embers in a room, glowing? Is that from what killed the carcass?
I take it your smile is not of joy? That's a shockingly bipolar (yet lacking depth) emotion to throw at the reader; I don't get it. But if it is not joyous, then, outside the poem, I like it along with the next line. Yea, I liked:
'I look up to the ceiling, smiling
Woes and fears piling'.
You were looking up, so I don't know what side you're looking to now - I assume it's away from the carcass?
You chose to sit down in this wretched place? It makes me feel like even though it was a horrible place, you felt, then, to be safe?
Throwing in 'knowing that I had lied' is just way too much ambiguity; you never spoke a word - the whole poem is reflection.
Again, just in case you wanted people to read this and have it critiqued;
Try to be a lot clearer (GIVE me your meaning) and don't make me interpret too much; be direct. At least when starting out.
People are not going to decode what you're trying to say, and honestly, I don't feel like you were doing anything that had meaning to you after the first four lines (if those even had meaning - they were pretty well said, as far as I know). If this did have meaning, a description would be super awesome, cause I think they make poetry so much better (at the same time, I hope it doesn't have personal meaning). It really just felt like the lines were being written from the first semi-dramatic sounding thing you thought of. And I'm not meaning to be discouraging; I only recognize it because I've done so in times past.
I say, if you're interested, to read poetry that's from famous (much older) authors that also come with a clear description of the situation. It should be very helpful in seeing how things can be portrayed. We all have the creative spark; don't be afraid to really go for something honest. <3
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